…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

My Confusing "love" Story…

Love is… confusing… at the best of times. I’m in a limbo at the moment because of the fights that I have with people in my life. Sometimes part of me gets into a rebellious mood and it makes me want to scrap the whole fairy tale idea of romance and just have fun, but yet I know that there is still a large part of me that seems to tell me to keep waiting it out and holding on. The thing is, I fear becoming the spinster with a loveless life. I don’t want to be cold and unattached for my whole life. I want to know what it’s like to love and depend on someone. I want to be consumed in a hug and just be able to feel safe within someone’s arms. But I also know for a lot of people, that just doesn’t ever happen.
What if I miss it? What if I let someone go and they were the one? What if I just never meet them or anyone? Why does it have to become complicated afterwards?
At the moment I’m fighting yet again with an ex flame of mine… It has left me more confused than any other time since the first time I started talking to him two years ago. And now that we’ve had this fight I don’t know what to do. We used to be extremely close friends. He was my best friend after it had all ended and he was in love with me.
But things have gone down hill since he told me that. I’ve avoided him and he’s angry about it.
I can’t help but feel that he didn’t/doesn’t actually love me. He’s in love with an image of me that he has created. Something more than me. And I can’t deal with that or his intensity.
And this fight has occurred right in the middle of exams. So I put it out of my mind. Well I thought I had. But it’s like I was floating through everything last week and having a really good time. I was studying or exams but for once I was having fun doing it and I was appreciating all the small things in life that I love. I could smell the air, watch people’s expressions, appreciate nature and life. But after that night it all went downhill. I couldn’t study and now… now it’s like I have a 20 kg weight attached to me and I can’t go anywhere without it. It’s always there – a heavy reminder that I haven’t fixed this yet. There are so few brief moments that I actually appreciate things. It’s always plaguing my mind.
Even my best friend knows more about the situation than I do. And she sees his side more than mine… I don’t know what to do. I’m torn.
To fill in the gaps about our history I’m going to paste a part from my book that I’m writing. It’s our story really but with changed names. I’m Rebecca (Bec) in this instance… Enjoy…

“Can I ask what you mean?” Ally rolled back onto elbows looking quizzically at Bec who was picking a thread in the Dona cover with a thoughtful expression on her face.

“Um, yeah I spose so,” she replied. “Look ages ago I used to go out with this guy called Dom and it ended up real bad and George was there to help me through it all, so he’s been with me for a lot of stuff, and I just never wanted to screw that up.”

“What do you mean? What happened? and how come I’ve never heard about this before?”

“You’ve never heard about it before because no one knows about it and because it was so messed up, that I just never even thought it was wroth telling you about.”

“But what happened?”

Bec moved herself back so that she was sitting against the bed head and hugged the pillow next to her as she continued, “Ok so Dom was this guy that I knew through a girl called Melanie. She used to be my best friend way back and we always hung out and everything. Anyways, her older brother, Matt, had a best friend called Dom and he was always at their house – he was like a brother really – well that’s what I thought.

“In year ten though, she developed a thing for him, and he for her, and long story short, he ended up breaking up with his girlfriend for her. He was two years older than her, but he was still at school and so they saw each other pretty much daily. I started talking to him at school because he was hanging around her so much – it was just the odd word here and there though. Then we started writing notes to each other and slipping them into each others lockers.

“When she suddenly broke up with him for no apparent reason, she was devastated and so was he. I didn’t talk to him for a long time after that, but then i ran into him one day at the end of the year right before the holidays and we began writing notes again. When school broke for summer we continued talking via notes in each others letterboxes until finally we both realised that we had feelings for each other.

“Now I struggled with that really hard. I didn’t want to like him. After all he was my best friend’s ex boyfriend. So at first we both agreed that there was no way we could ever be together anyway because that would hurt Mel too much. But then one day he broke up with the girl that he had been dating to try and get me out of his head and he phoned Mel about it.

“What he didn’t realise was that she was about to come over to my house at the time with Missy and a few of the other girls. Mel and Dom had a huge fight over the phone and somehow in there he told her that he had feelings for me. I didn’t find out about this till later, but she wasn’t happy to say the least, although she refused to tell any of us what was wrong.

“Then one day, she told me that she just couldn’t “hack it” and that it just hurt her to much if I was friends with him. So I said that I wouldn’t talk to him anymore if that would make it easier for her. I wanted to do right by her.”

“You for real?

“Yeah. She was my best friend Ally!”

“But still. That’s just so selfish! She doesn’t have the right to say who can and can’t be friends. She didn’t own either of you.”

“Yeah well that’s what people said at the time as well.”

“Wait but I thought no one knew?”

“In time I told a few people and so did Dom. My boss at work, Luke, knew and so did the girls that worked there. It’s not like I had a sister to tell. And then Dom told Matt-”

“Wait hang on, Melanie’s own brother knew, but she didn’t?”



“Yep. So did Matt’s girlfriend Rachael and Mel was close to Rach. But they were all on Dom’s side. So were Mike and Jamie who were both Dom’s mates as well.”

“So then there was a few people.”

“Yeah. We were lucky no one else ever found out. We came very close once. Mike once said to Mel that there was a “triangle of lies” going on. She got very confused, but somehow didn’t pick it up. But I’ll explain that in a second.”

“Yeah ok. So did you guys end up getting it together despite Melanie?”

“Well I managed to not talk to him for about a week or so, which was painful at the best description. But then one day Mum and my Step-Dad had a really big fight and he hit me across the face when I tried to stop them, so I left and went and sat in the street until night fell. Then I gave in.

“You went and saw him?”

“I borrowed my neighbours phone and phoned his house. I organized to meet him at the park at a certain spot and I walked there. My mind was going crazy as I walked. I’d never been so nervous when going to meet someone in my life and at the same time as I was nervous, I had this ongoing argument in my head about whether or not I was doing the right thing.

“True they hadn’t been going out for like eight months and he had waited for her to change her mind for six of them, but I still felt bad because he had been her “first love” and you know how people get attached there. But at the same time, I was just so miserable for the week we weren’t talking and when things were just going pear shaped at home, all I wanted to do was talk to him because he made me laugh. He made me happy. So I did.”

“You did what?”

“I met up with him. He took me to this small little park that was behind his house and there was this little electricity building that had a small balcony overlooking the water collection below. That’s where we used to go when we met up every time because it was like our secret place.” Bec sighed and threw the pillow she had been holding.

“That went on for a while in secret and then when school went back, Mel was obviously still being plagued by it. She didn’t know that we were talking to each other again, let alone seeing each other, but she still decided that she couldn’t take him and me being friends, because it hurt her too much.”

“You serious? I maintain that I would have just slapped her.”

Bec’s voice dropped a pitch as it suddenly went bitter and she added, “and so yeah. Then she said we couldn’t be friends anymore because of it.”

“Who couldn’t be? You and Melanie? Or you and Dom?”

“Well both really. I had already told her that I wasn’t friends with Dom anymore because I knew that was what she wanted and I knew I was being selfish and hurting her. Of course I was still seeing him, but I told her I wasn’t friends with him. When she told me that SHE couldn’t be my friend anymore despite that, I ended it with him. He knew that it was coming as soon as I told him that Mel had ended my friendship with her.

“He was so…so…so angry at her. He was crying and yet I’d never seen such an angry look in his eyes. It was unfair true, but it was unfair what we did to her from the start as well and I never intended to hurt her even though she didn’t even know about it all. He told Matt, Rach, Mike and Jamie and they all began to hate Mel as well for what she had done. They all thought that she had no right to interfere with Dom’s life, especially seeing as she had dumped him and it was all so long ago.”

Ally jumped up. “Yeah damn right. She sounds like a right cow. Why on earth were you friends with her? I tell you what. If I ever do that to you, do me a favour and take me out the back and shoot me, because that is so totally not fair on either of you. She just sounds really selfish! I would have just slapped her and told her to mind her own business.”

Bec smiled. “There were a lot of people who suggested that. But it just wasn’t that simple.”

“Why not!”

“Well for starters one of the rules of friendships is mates before dates and she was my best friend.”

“She decided herself to stop being “friends” with you when she thought you guys were only talking as friends! And she had dated him ages before that and she dumped him!”

“Well I still wanted to do right by her.”

“Well if I ever do anything that horrible to you – which I definitely don’t ever plan to – then I give you full permission to bash me up at spit on me while I’m down,” Ally said vehemently as she swung at another pillow on the bed receiving a laugh from Bec. Ally looked up at Bec and smiled as her pillow bashing concentration disappeared.

“Let’s leave the poor pillows alone Ally. They didn’t do anything,” Bec giggled.

Ally sighed and reluctantly let go of the pillow that had become her next victim. “So did you end up seeing him ever again?”

“Not for a very long time. The fight between Mel and I split our group for a long time. I let everyone take her side and secluded myself quite a bit. She was more needy emotionally needy, so I understood that she needed them.”

“How is it that you can be so perfect and unfailingly nice to someone who just treated their best friend like crap?”

“I had wronged her by going out with him in the first place and I always partly felt guilty for that I think.”

Ally scoffed. “You shouldn’t have. But I suppose I can see where your coming from.”

“Anyways, I got on with life on my own and started studying really hard. Then one night she got really drunk at a party and she ended up finally talking to me again and apologizing to me and saying that she really did want to be friends. I was just so happy when she said that. Things began to really improve after that and from then on it went uphill and back to normal.

“Then the next holidays, her family went on their normal camping holiday trip out to Collie and of course Dom went with them like usual. Anyways, I found out later on at another party when Mel was drunk again, that Mel and Dom ended up making out in a tent while they were away.”


“Well you see I always had this vague feeling that he was still slightly in love with her all along. Turns out I was right.”



“Did anything else happen?”

“At their camp? Who knows. After that? No. But that’s when Mike said to Mel that there was a triangle of lies going on. She didn’t fully get it and so when she was drunk and telling me about this she confronted me again about Dom. She asked me whether or not I had talked to Dom after the time when I said that I wouldn’t.

“I had always wanted to tell her the truth about Dom and I having seen each other after it was all over, but there just never seemed like a good time to do it. This definitely wasn’t a good time either.

 “So you lied? Did you say no?”

“That’s the thing. I hated lying to her and the whole time my head was screaming ‘No!’ and flashing a big neon light saying that in the front of my brain. But as my head was saying that, my mouth said yes.”


“I really just didn’t want to lie to her.”

Ally threw the pillow at the wall. “But she deserved it. She sounds like the crappiest friend ever! This frustrates me and I wasn’t even there.”

Bec smiled. “I said yes and I told her that I’d only talked to him a couple of times and that was it. Nothing more. It wasn’t the right time for the whole story so that’s all I said.”

“How did she react?”

Bec traced the lines of the doona and frowned. “That’s the thing. She did nothing for a second the said “ok” really high pitched and it was like she was angry and trying not to show it directly. As she said that she just jumped up and left. And that was it. She avoided me for the rest of the night and I never talked to her about it again.”



“I’ve gotta stop saying wow.”


Both of the girls went silent for a while as Bec continued tracing patterns with her finger and Ally stared at the ceiling. Finally Lynda knocked lightly and opened the door. “Girls, dinner’s ready. Come down soon please.”

“Yes mum.”

“Right behind you Linda.”

The door shut softly again as Ally’s mum left. “So I take it you never saw Dom again then?”

Bec got up of the bed and smoothed her white blouse flat. “No I did. About six months later, I got a note from him again in the letterbox out of the blue.”

“What did it say?”

“Just general stuff and that he missed talking. I reluctantly began replying. The replies just slowly started getting longer and more frequent and then finally one day he asked me if I wanted to go to a concert with him which was in two days because his mate had pulled out on him and he had a spare ticket.”

“Did you go?”

“Come on man get up. I’ll tell you the rest on the way down to dinner.”

Ally laughed, “You sound like my mum.” Bec gave a sarcastic laugh and ushered Ally towards the door. “So?” begged Ally.

“So I very, very reluctantly ended up going to the concert with Dom. We saw one person there from my year group who knew us both, but miraculously, she somehow never said anything about it back at school – despite her being the biggest gossip queen.”

“Wow, that’s lucky.”

Bec began down the passageway towards the dining room as she said, “Your telling me! From then on we used to hang out as friends, usually still at the balcony because it was secret there, and we became like best friends.”

“Really? Best friends? Well he would have been better than Mel I suppose anyways.”

“Yeah it was really fun. But he was always a really intense kind of guy – always turning things serious and overdoing things. Eventually it got a bit much especially because he had told me that he liked me again. He said he wasn’t going to ruin our friendship though. Then one day he left a note at my house saying that he just didn’t know what to do anymore and so I ran down to the balcony to find him.

“Dom was there and crying. The only other time I’d seen him cry was when we had broken up.”

“Wow. What the hell. So what was wrong?”

Bec sighed and they stopped in the middle of the hall so that they could finish the conversation before reaching the dining room. “That night he said that most of all he hated the fact that he loved me and he couldn’t help it. He said he was in love with me and had been for a long time.” Ally gasped. “And I sort of just ignored it and tried to calm him down because he had worked himself up so much.

“After that night I avoided him quite a bit saying that I didn’t have enough time to hang out and kept cancelling our plans. Eventually the notes became less frequent as well.

“Some time after that he got angry at me for making no effort anymore and told me if I still wanted to be friends with him then had to make the effort. That was right in the middle of my exams in year twelve just after you came here. Eventually he apologised and realised he was being a jerk. Haven’t talked to him much since then although he still sends the odd present and people that talk to him and knew about it still tell me occasionally that they think he’s still in love with me. But I doubt it now.”

Ally began walking again as she comprehended it all. “Wow. That really is quite a story there. I can’t believe I didn’t know all this!”

“Yeah well, it was a long time ago now. Well it seems like it anyway.”


November 8, 2008 - Posted by | emotions, experiences, friends, life, love, moods, My Story, people, Personal

1 Comment »

  1. […] (my close friend and the girl that had the big problem with us being friends… I think I nicknamed her Mel once upon a time?) will be there to pick him up as well and it would take some explaining for her to see why I also […]

    Pingback by Let’s make the horrible mood last longer shall we…? « …entre nous soit dit… | September 23, 2009 | Reply

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