…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

Procrastination and over thinking things…

I think I may have a small problem when it comes to guys… I’m beginning to notice a trend, which I really don’t like and don’t want to be true at all. I’ve noticed lately that I seem to have an attraction to guys that I eventually find out are already taken. Of course, with my Boss I knew he was in a relationship before the crush developed, so that was an exception. But is it purely coincidence that as soon as he was almost available I moved on from the 3 year long obsession? I cannot ignore the fact that there were certain events which culminated in me moving on, and I’m sure that I’m just trying to connect this up to fit my new trend. That’s the way the mind works after all – piecing things together to fit into new theories that can scare ourselves.

It’s not only my boss though. At my first tutorial for second year creative writing, the first guy that I met was slightly older than me, but nice nonetheless. I know it sounds foolish, but I felt like there was a connection between us, and since then it has been 3 hours every Tuesday of watching out the corner of my eyes for when he stares at me, or me listening intently to what he says. At the first tutorial, I hadn’t noticed that he was wearing a wedding ring on his finger, but the next week I did. While he was talking, he mentioned briefly something about wanting to write about the last year that he spent in Africa with his wife. As he said this, he looked straight at me… and yet I know he stares too. It’s even stranger because of not only that, but I think he also slightly reminds me of my boss. He’s been in the army, he’s buff, and he’s been the state champion at hang gliding for the last 5 years. Amazing no?

However, two’s not enough is it? Another example: the first guy that I met from my college. Last year at a party I met a small group of people from my college at a party of a mutual friend who goes to another college. I was instantly drawn to him and out of the few people I had met from the college that night, he was the one that had stuck in my memory and the only one I had thought ‘”what if…?” about. I had looked forward to seeing him again when I came to college, but alas, he has a steady girlfriend who he has been with for over a year now. She also lives here at the college. As it is, I’m fairly sure he’s a bit of a play boy, playing the girls for all he’s worth… even though he’s supposedly officially a one woman man these days. But for some reason I still feel that connection, attraction and I suppose to some extent even some envy of his girlfriend.

The worst part is that I know that I don’t want to be that girl. The one that steals other people’s boyfriends, then gets bored with them and tosses them away. I don’t want to be the one that ruins relationships and lives – even if it’s the boyfriends decision and not mine like it was in the case of my Boss. I don’t want to be ‘the other woman’. In fact, I despise that. So why am I subconsciously sabotaging that and becoming my own worst enemy?

I think what it is that draws me to these fellas and other is the eyes. I look for a connection with people. When I look at someone and I can look into their eyes and actually see some depth in them, I feel a connection of sorts. I don’t know what it is. I know it sounds incredibly corny and childish, but I like to, I dunno, “fall into” someone’s eyes. I like to be able to search their eyes when something’s wrong and be able to find more depth than if I was looking into someone’s eyes that had nothing there – just blank and shallow eyes. Maybe I’m just attracted to guys who like secrets or are extremely emotional in a quiet and guarded way. They’re all intellectuals and hide a lot beneath the surface althought they fool most people… Maybe secretive and mysterious is my type. Someone who is smart and challenging. Someone that I can never quite figure out. maybe that’s it? Maybe, once I have them figured out and I have an opportunity to actually be with someone properly, maybe that’s when I start to get bored really quickly.

Who knows. Maybe I have a type. Maybe I don’t.

Wither way, it’s sad really.


August 26, 2009 - Posted by | bored, idiotic, life, love, observation, people, procrastinating, secrets, trouble


  1. “He’s been in the army, he’s buff, and he’s been the state champion at hang gliding for the last 5 years. Amazing no?”


    Comment by grubstreethack | August 26, 2009 | Reply

  2. gee do i sense a little bit of SARCASM there?!? haha

    btw i hear u have booked ur plane ticket and everything now. excited?

    Comment by Petite Mystere | August 26, 2009 | Reply

  3. excited, guilty, terrified. if you had told me a year ago that i was going to be sneaking out of a country in the middle of the night with three thousand dollars cash i would never have believed you.

    Comment by grubstreethack | August 27, 2009 | Reply

    • hahahaha i dont think that’s exaclty the kind of thing anyone would believe haha. i still cant believe that your doing it. i hope it all works out for ur sake… plus id probably miss ur complaints and posts about everything and anything if u were carted off to jail for trying to do a runner haha.

      Comment by Petite Mystere | August 28, 2009 | Reply

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