…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

Quote of the Week #18

“It’s better to burn out than fade away.”
– Kurt Cobain

This quote is in honour of Curtis. He died young, but he will always be remembered that way ad in his prime.

Rest in Peace

September 26, 2009 Posted by | Quote of the Week, Quotes by People | Leave a comment

Checking off Life Lists again…

Well last time I checked this list, which was almost 14months ago on August 5th 2008, I discovered that I had fulfilled only 81 of these 200 things to check off on the life list. So I decided it was high time that I went through them all again to see if I could check any more off. Sadly there was only another 12 (numbers 22, 34, 48, 56, 69, 92, 107, 113, 163, 185, 191 and one other which won’t be disclosed). That brings my total up to 93 out of 200… I still have a looooooong way to go…

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins 
03. Climbed a mountain (sort of – both climbing whilst on the ski feilds and when I was younger I climbed Mt Bluff Knoll)
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula ( I really really want to!)
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it 
09. Hugged a tree 
(who hasn’t at one point or another?) 
10. Done a striptease 

11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris 
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea 
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise 

15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables 

19. Touched an iceberg?
20. Slept under the stars 
21. Changed a baby’s diaper (only once) 

22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower (i THINK we watched one whn i was younger and we drove out to the country for it… not sure)
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (who hasn’t?)
28. Had a food fight

29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb (yeehhhhhh Royal Show!! lol)

36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip 
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar (she wasnt a beggar persay…)
40. Seen a total eclipse 
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run

43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days (…what?!?)
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking (why not just call this “been drunk?”)
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states (of what? America??)
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced 
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales

56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe (getting there… be patient!!)
58. Taken a road-trip (…not really yet… but i will do :) lol)
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach (yehhh prefect camp!)
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland (one day)
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Bench pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records 
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke 
72. Lounged around in bed all day (All the time!)
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain 
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theatre 
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it 
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favour of something better

84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class

88. Sword fought for the honour of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie ( i was ALMOST in the Matrix…)
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy (no ones ever mentioned it…)
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice (no we didnt get to :( i will tho… eventually when i go back!)
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River (never even heard of it)
104. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand (couple of times now)
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently (pig latin?? haha kidding)
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone (not a fistycuffs fight…)
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read – and understood – your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favourite childhood toy
128. Followed your favourite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did (according to my sister we’re related to jesus Christ…. i thik he did a few significant things didn’t he? lol)
132. Called or written your Member of Congress (I wrote to the Prime minister)
132a. Had them write back (does their personal secretary count??)
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. … more than once?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray (good old touch pool at AQWA lol)
145. Broken someone’s heart (Thats what they claimed.)
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job 
148. Won money on a TV game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being 
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle 
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph 
(we use km per hour though buddy)
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced (belly button)
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol (rifle and handgun yepyep)
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery (when I was a toddler, apparently)
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than US states (not hard since I’ve never been there)
165. Visited all 7 continents (4 down, 3 to go)
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat 
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground (what the hell…)
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi 
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes (still gotta try it… but i love the movie aha)
180. Read The Iliad (part of, but not all of)
181. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read (does Tamora Pierce count?)
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups etc 
183. … and gotten 86′ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions 
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care 
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair
197. Been a DJ
198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199. Written your own role playing game
200. Been arrested (one day… lol. im still hopefull haha)

September 23, 2009 Posted by | life, lists | 5 Comments

Let’s make the horrible mood last longer shall we…?

­­Yesterday was the funeral of Curtis. I went along to it very sombre and stood with Mel, crying my eyes out at the speeches, at the memories, at the photos. Hearing Emma, his girlfriend who I have known since year 3, get up there and make the first speech, I just lost it altogether. Then after I thought I had calmed down a bit and the ceremony was over, we walked past the coffin on our way to the lounge and I saw Doug, Emma’s little brother who I’ve known since he was practically still in diapers, crying next to the coffin. I lost it again.

But anyways, rather than describing the whole thing, I’ll skip that and get to the part mentioned in the title. So we finally went outside afterwards and we were standing there talking to the group of people I used to be friends with before this whole Jane thing happened. Jane was standing in the group as well. It was slightly awkward, but I ignored that fact. Then Mel and I went to leave and I hugged everyone in the group goodbye – I had been very aware of this situation being a possibility and had thought previously that it would probably be best just not to hug anyone at all so that way it wouldn’t be awkward when I didn’t hug her.

But hey, things just didn’t end up happening that way. It ended up that I did hug everyone and then when I was waiting for Mel to finish saying goodbye to everyone, I waited beside her. I looked at Jane who was on the other side of her and I thought when we caught eye contact we had a silent understanding of some sort. she did a small nod and and i did one of those half smiles and mouthed “cya” to her. Then we left.

You see a while back someone had left a comment on a picture she was tagged in on my facebook and so it sent her a notification. She then commented that she was detagging herself because the memories were too painful. I then commented back saying she needed to also delete the comments otherwise she would still get notifications. So then she sent me a facebook message saying this:

” Why do you have these mini conversations with me? Or even address me through picture comment conversations if you wont even talk to me? It’s just like this massive tease and it hurts so much. So if I’ve ever said anything to hurt you it’s because I want you to feel as shit as I do.”

Mel and I went to get coffee after that and happened to run into two of the boys from the funeral who went to our high school as well. We were all sitting there together having a good time, when I got a text message from Jane’s mum. After reading it I could feel myself about to break down so I just made some shit excuse to Mel and practically ran out of the place. Here’s what the text said:

“Well elisha you showed your true colours today not only to me but to everyone standing there today. I now believe you must enjoy hurting *Jane*. you have a heart as had as steel! All over a kiss and a cuddle with some dickhead. We all make mistakes in life and learn by them. *Jane* has been through enough without you adding to it. Sorry i am writing this but enough is enough and i am soooo disapointed in you. Karen”

I wanted to write a reply to that, but what do you write? What are you supposed to say to that. Part of me wanted to defend myself and try and set some of the record straight, but another part of me kept saying you did wrong, so you have to take this shit silently and suffer. I did draft a reply to her, but I never sent it:

“I want u to know I NEVER wanted to hurt *Jane*. Never. I know that I did and I have to continue living with that. But its too painful for me to go back to how it was and I know *Jane* won’t settle for anything less. I know everyone thinks I dealt with it the wrong way… nd I can’t take back wat I did. Truth is, it wasn’t as simple as just the event at her party. It was bigger than that. And now I’m a different person to who I was at the beginning of the year. I don’t expect sympathy or understanding coz I’m sure u don’t think I deserve it, but when I gave up *jane* I gave up a lot. I still worry about her every single day, but I can’t do anything about it because talking to her will only hurt her even more. And lastly, I say this with the utmost love and respect for u, but I hope you’re finally supporting her. In every choice – school AND lifestyle.”

It would have been foolish to send the message so I’m glad I didn’t but there was a huge flashing sign at one point screaming hypocrite in my head at the time. Just for a second. After all, I was with Jane sooooo many times last year as she cried over things her Mum had said or done last year.

Then today, after spending all yesterday crying my eyes out and going to bed early because I was emotionally spent, I got sent this message from a girl who is normally one of the nicest girls in the world and I’ve only ever heard her get agry once before in my life (which was actually a couple of months back about the whole Jane subject again).

“I really didn’t like wat u did to *Jane* yesterday…sayin goodbye to everyone and huggin them and just giving her a look and leaving, that was just low man! I no ur trying 2 keep UR word, but at the funeral of one of her closest friends… i was disapointed man. And it isnt just me who thinks this, every1 ther was watching u wen u wer leaving 2 c if u would stop being stubborn and hav a heart and just hug her and talk 2 her. It was a cold act.”

That was just as harsh to receive. And I was willing to take that one silently as well… but after a while I ended up sending a reply. I couldn’t help it. I just needed to reply…

“Jordan I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I really don’t. I want to check up on her all the time but I can’t because talking to her again makes it worse for her. She detagged herself from all the photos on facebook so she wouldn’t get notifications anymore and said tht it hurt too much to be reminded of the old times. So I thought if that was what she wated I wouldn’t bring up old memories. Curtis diesd and I thought I’d break that rule and call her – despite what I thought was right. Because he died and I couldn’t not cal her. You KNEW I wanted to but didn’t think I could. I did in the end and Emily told me on Sunday that apparently *jane* was angry after that and was frustrated at why now. So I figured she wouldn’t want me to do that again at the funeral. So I didn’t. I said cya to her and that was it. I didn’t want to make it harder for her. But I just don’t know what to do alright? I really just don’t.”

Then she replied to that somewhat more calm and told me that Emily was wrong and that Jane did in fact still want me to talk to her and that she has said that on countless occasions. Just before I’d written a reply and Jordan had responded, I also received a facebook message from someone I really wasn’t expecting to hear from. She’s friends with Jane and she was the one I mentioned a loooooooong time ago when I first wrote about Jane getting into trouble with the paint incident at school. She’s really nice and extremely philosophical, political and hippy. She wrote me this:

“Hi,
I’ve heard that you’ve received some fairly nasty messages since yesterday. I don’t want to have a go at you because I think its unnecessary to create an even bigger issue out of all this, especially given current circumstances. I just wanted to say that Curtis’ death has been extremely difficult for some of us, including Ash. It might not be to late to tell her that you’re sorry for blanking her yesterday. 
If there’s anything I’ve learnt from Curtis’ death its that you don’t want to do anything that you might regret, you don’t want to be the cause of anybody’s hurt and you do want to use this life to do the right things by everyone you associate with. 
I know that there are reasons behind why you aren’t talking to Ash, I don’t really care what they are. All I know is that its hurting her so much and I think you have the ability to make it a little bit better for her… if its not to late. 
I ask you please, to put behind you all that crap from all those months ago, talk to her- do it because you’re alive and you may have the opportunity to make someone’s life a little easier… do it because we all deserve forgiveness. Do it because in the light of death every other issue seems so insignificant and the only thing we should embrace, as people who still have life left in this world, is compassion. 
I realize that we don’t really know each other and you probably don’t give a crap about what I have to say, but please consider it.”

It’s funny because, out of all the people that should sway my decision, it should have been Karen because I used to love her so much and I actually really missed her after I stopped talking to Jane, or Jordan seeing as how she is so nice and everything, but Sasha’s was really the one that got through to me the most. I don’t know why…. yet I still can’t bring myself to change things. Maybe I will talk to Jane and end all this shit. I dunno. I’m not really sure of anything.

I know throughout these last couple of shitty weeks I’ve been wishing that Dom was here. Not because I want him in a romantic sense as such, but just because we used to be good friends, ad he would know what I was talking about when I said any of this stuff and I can’t really talk about any of this to anyone else. I dunno. I just miss him I guess. He gets back this saturday, but I don’t think he really wants to see me. We’ve been fighting for the last couple of weeks and he didn’t even tell me when he was coming home until I had repeatedly asked him. I want to go see him at the airport, but at the same time his ex girlfriend (my close friend and the girl that had the big problem with us being friends… I think I nicknamed her Mel once upon a time?) will be there to pick him up as well and it would take some explaining for her to see why I also wanted to go pick him up. It’s still a sore point for her and I can see that very obviously the few times that it comes up between us. Owell. I guess I’ll figure it out… xx

September 22, 2009 Posted by | death, disapointment, emotions, experiences, friends, moods, Personal | Leave a comment

Horrible days with deceptive smiles.

Well today i the funeral for Curtis. What a lovely start to the day. I hate this sort of thing.

I also have two assignments due which I haven’t even started. Another lovely fact for the day.

Yes indeed – today is going to be a fabulous day.

September 21, 2009 Posted by | death, just a quick note, university | Leave a comment

Quote of the Week #17


“Do not seek death. Death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.”

– Dag Hammarskojold

 

I think it’s pretty obvious why I chose this quote this week. “Death will find you”…. I guess it’s true. After all Curtis was only walking to the toilet. Such a simple everyday ordinary act and yet it claimed his life in the end. So cherish everyday and everyone, and never leave things on a bad note, because you never know when it might be the last time you see that person or what cruel tricks fate may want to play. Take life as it comes and life it for all you can. 

September 17, 2009 Posted by | death, life, Quote of the Week, Quotes by People, Sayings | 2 Comments

Not so happy news…

It’s never a happy time when someone that you know dies. That’s a given (unless you’re some sadistic and twisted kid).

If you recall, last year and at the very beginning of this year, my best friend was Jane. I wrote many blogs on her and how she had been depressed last year and then how this year we had begun to fight and then weren’t talking. Well yesterday, Jane called one of my friends to pass on a message to me. Seeing as Jane and I no longer speak and she knew I wouldn’t answer the phone if she called, she knew she had to pass the message on through someone else.

So my friend phoned me and she had to tell me that a guy named Curtis from our year group at school had died. Curtis had been in one of the two groups that Jane often hung out with. Part of the stoner, hippy sort of gang. I knew Curtis through both the small and close English Lit class we were in, and from hanging out with his group at social gatherings when I was with Jane. I mean heck, he was one of the two main people who helped me on the night when Emma managed to get so stoned she was practically having seizures. 

Knowing that I couldn’t phone Jane, I phoned up another girl called Toni to ask her if she knew what had happened to him because Jane hadn’t told my friend those details. Unfortunately Toni hadn’t even been told yet, so I had to break it to her without knowing any of the details. I then called up another girl, Jordan, and she told me what had happened: Curtis had been walking to the outside toilet and tripped. He hit his head on something and rolled/fell into the pool. He drowned. I guess it’s safe to assume he was knocked unconscious when he hit his head. I don’t know who found him or how long he was there, but people from school were all called at around 4pm yesterday afternoon.

Sure, I didn’t know him really well, but I still knew him more than most would have. He wasn’t well exactly in the social spotlight in school. A few of us who found out first posted up RIP’s on facebook status updates. I know that’s all that I wrote on mine seeing as I didn’t want to make a big thing of it. Later on last night there were others from the year group writing things like “R.I.P curtis u were a great person and u were taken from us too soon! my deepest sympathy goes out to his family! live on curtis!” Shit like that can annoy me when posted on facebook on a status. Half the time the people that write that didn’t even know/talk to Curtis.

I think more than anything, i shocked me. It was so surreal. Like, a kid that I know died… and it was doing something so simple and so ordinary – just a normal act of everyday life. It’s so…. strange. I dunno. I was in shock all day and it put me into a hell downer mood all yesterday and today. 

By the way, just for the record, Jane left a voice message crying her eyes out on my mobile begging me to call her back. I couldn’t continue being as heartless as I’ve resolved myself to be for the last few months so I phoned her back. I mean, shit, someone died. If this isn’t an exceptional circumstance, then I don’t know what is. Problem is that after about 2 minutes of her mostly just crying on the other end of the phone, she eventually started the conversation I didn’t want to start and she said “I really miss you.” I started to answer, but at that point her phone cut out. TIming was good for me I suppose. Meant I got to be shamefully a coward and turn my phone off for the rest of the day to avoid any follow up calls.

September 14, 2009 Posted by | death, friends | 5 Comments

Quote of the Week #16

 

“Take care of all your memories. For you cannot relive them.”

– Bob Dylan

 

This quote managed to grab the spotlight this week because I have spent the week with my father and I learnt that he also has a tiny spot of skin cancer. Although it’s only small, it’s still scary to think that it could become something more and that potentially one day it could become life threatening if not caught properly in time (heaven forbid that should happen and touch wood on my behalf so it doesn’t). I love my Dad dearly and it was scary when he told me casually. He hadn’t told either me or my sister previously and it was only because I noticed the predominantly noticeable scab on his cheekbone where they’re trying to burn it off with a cream, that he actually told me about it here.

I don’t want to loose my Dad. I very rarely get to see him, and I don’t want it to go down this path. I’ve already been down it with my Granddad (rest his soul) and once again, my sister and I didn’t know about that one until there was only 3 months left in him. I loved him so much and that’s left a scar on my heart ever since.

So the reason this quote gained the spot is because I want to appreciate the memories I’ve gained in my week here with Dad. I went hot air ballooning and just hung out with him. THings that seem simple, but that mean so much to me considering I have so little time with him.

So to both my Granddad and my Dad, I love you both immensely.

September 11, 2009 Posted by | family, love, people, Personal, Quote of the Week, Quotes by People | 1 Comment