…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

Quote of the Week #28 (Part Two)


‘There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and  healed, to have despaired and recovered hope.’

– George Elliot




April 30, 2010 Posted by | depression, life, moods, observation, Personal, Quote of the Week, Quotes by People | Leave a comment

Love this.

April 29, 2010 Posted by | just a quick note, pictures | Leave a comment

Dom and Matt should be arriving in Singapore around now.



I love you.

Know that.



April 28, 2010 Posted by | life, love, people, Personal | 1 Comment

I can’t do it.

I went to the airport and at first it was an abysmal mess and then it got better. Until the boys left and I had to say goodbye to Dom. Come to think of it, Matt didn’t even say goodbye to me… but that’s probably because I attatched myself to Dom.

It’s so surreal. It doesn’t feel like they’re gone. Like that’s it. Like it’s the end.

And then I read the letter he wrote. And the constant soft crying turned to absolute hysterics alone in my car at the balcony under the road lamp.

When I finally manage to lose myself to zombie mode and drive at no faster than 80km/h the entire way down the freeway, I get back to college and lose it again because I walk to my room and see a box of things (presents and cards). I’m already crying again, hardly manage to open the door and hysterics begin again on my best friends shoulder as we sit there in the dark. She cried with me.

Then I put the playlist on.

I said before that the drawings on the wall all those years ago were the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me. I take it back. The box was.



But I don’t want to do this.

It’s too hard.

I don’t want to.

April 28, 2010 Posted by | depression, emotions, experiences, just a quick note, life, love, people, Personal | Leave a comment

Quote of the Week #28 (Part One)


‘Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness and sometimes we lose them there again.’

– Steven King


In two days it will be seven months since Dom and I started dating. Seven months.

But at the moment that is irrelevant. Because today is the day that he leaves. I think my heart is going to break just a tiny bit standing right in front of him at the airport tonight. I’ll wait until I can curl into a ball in my room for the rest. I just hope I can get through everything at the airport without being a complete and utter hopeless mess.

…. fat chance of that actually happening though.

At least it ended on a good note. Last night Dom’s family had Matt, his girlfriend, his dad and another friend (Mike) over for dinner. It was really good and heaps of fun. I’ll miss times like that once the boys leave. I miss those group dynamics – ones where I actually feel a part of it and feel happy.

We also took bulk photos after all the adults had left for bed. There were many photos taken (mostly of the boys though, let’s face it) that were terrible in the most hilarious ways haha.

Let’s just hope that tonight at the airport things stay happy and don’t get awkward between me and Matt’s sister (aka Dom’s ex-gf who has major issues with us going out). Because at the end of the day, it’s not about her or me, it’s about the boys and their farewell, and she IS one of Dom’s good friends…. Then again if she tries saying something to me afterwatds about it all, I won’t hold back. I’m sure I’ll be plenty emotional enough after all this to let rip 3 and a half years worth of repressed anger, frustration and confusion at her actions.

Anyways, I basically haven’t slept all night (despite 2 sleeping pills) and I’m currently in Dom’s spare room on account of the fact that I seem to be getting sicker and I was keeping him awake all night (and he was already exhausted from 2 days of no sleep while camping). So here’s to my billionth attempt at trying to sleep for tonight…. Well this morning…


April 27, 2010 Posted by | depression, emotions, life, love, moods, Personal, Quote of the Week, Quotes by People | Leave a comment

I’m finding it hard to remember the past when all I can do is think about the present. 

41 hours.

I don’t think I can do this.

April 26, 2010 Posted by | emotions, just a quick note, love | 2 Comments

Plan Distraction

Well at the moment I am succeeding at distracting myself from everything that’ happening at the moment. It is currently some ridiculous hour in the morning and I haven’t slept but instead sat in this same chair for hours on end (and when I say hours I mean that I’ve probably been here for almost 12 hours straight with the exception to toilet breaks and the 30 minutes I took to go and quit my job).

For all those hours I have simply been doing cross stitch and watching a mixture of Skins (Season Two) and Brothers and Sisters (Season Four). Megavideo is tedious at times with its specific quota of how long you are allowed to watch it for. But I suppose that is the point: to frustrate you so much that eventually you pay for it.

At least the cross stitch is coming along:

Although, just looking at this picture, I’ve already noticed a mistake, which means yay for me, I GET TO GO BACK AND FIX IT….. *sigh* … at least I can get frustrated at the damn cross stitch which takes your WHOLE concentration rather than anything else in my life at the moment.

I suppose it is nice to be distracted at the moment… Even if it is a depressing, selfish, wallowing sort of distracted. At least it’s a change from this morning. I was supposed to be working today, so I got up and left by 7.30am from Dom’s house and was at work with 5 minutes to spare. I did the morning training and loaded up the car. Drove around lost for ages because the stupid new girl kept giving us wrong directions then finally got to my site for work for the day by about 10. We set up the table and the products we were selling then I went to get food.

Somehow in the few minutes that I was eating chocolate (which is usually a happy food) my mind managed to slip and all of a sudden I was crying and couldn’t control myself. So I called my boss and asked if I could leave. She said yes so I drove all the way from south of the river to Dom’s house (North of the river), the whole time crying. I got to his house, kept the sunnies on so when his mum answered the door she wouldn’t be able to tell I’d been crying retardedly. I walked straight through the house to his room and just climbed straight back into bed and into his arms where I finally managed to stop crying and eventually slept again… until 2pm.

He was packing his stuff for his camping trip by then and so half an hour later I left (but not until after I discovered that he accidentally put on my skinny leg jeans thinking they were his). I went back to college and resumed my place in this seat. And this is where I have stayed. Problem is, I can almost see this weekend as a test run of what’s going to happen.

Dom is going to leave in 2 and a half days time and I’m going to be left crying my eyes out. Then I’m going to seclude myself to doing things that distract me and that either involve no-one or so many people that I’m lost in the crowd and won’t matter anyway.

I was supposed to go to two birthday parties tonight and I just couldn’t be bothered. I was tired and wasn’t in the mood for socialising. I was also supposed to go for drinks with a group from my old work (which, it turned out, was actually another birthday party and I just didn’t know about it). Eventually I guilt tripped myself into going to see them because I felt bad for having cut them off for the last couple of weeks. So I went.

Sad part is, I actually forbid the Dom leaving topic and any “are you ok?” talk, but then felt disgusted when people were having a really good time. One of the girls was really drunk and so overly happy and loud and I honestly felt repulsed by it… then again she did keep trying to push my head into her boobs and I just really wasn’t in the mood for that sillyness. As for the male population at the bar. Let’s just say I was even more repulsed by every one of them that looked my way. Anyone that did it twice, I wanted to abuse.


Anyway, this is enough of my rambles for the moment. Back to stitching I think. Yes yes indeedy. Then in a couple of hours, the dawn service for ANZAC Day.


April 25, 2010 Posted by | art, depression, emotions, just a quick note, life, love, moods, procrastinating | Leave a comment