…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

It’s Over. (in a manner of speaking)

Now it’s time to move on. Don’t you know that things aren’t getting better.

Don’t try and stop me
Because I’m falling fast into this pit of fire which surrounds us all.
In a blanket of fear that I’ve been wrapped in for years.
You can’t stop me.

When the world caves in what are you going to do for me?



My friend Erin posted this pic on her blog tonight. We decided that just coincidentally we’re on the same page in life. Both hating on it and both sick of all the shit. Tonight I decided to remove my group of friends from my facebook account. They’re the girls that I went through all of highschool with and who have decided that in my time of need, they can’t stand the thought of me and want to take Phoebe’s side. That’s their choice I suppose. People have been telling me that  I don’t need them as friends and that I’d be better off without them… but I can’t seem to let go of it.

Tonight is the closest I’ve gotten to letting go.

I didn’t remove them out of spite, or some kind of unwarranted revenge. It was because I logged onto facebook and the vast majority of my feeder was filled with photos of them being drunk and happy… and skinny and looking pretty and happy. It just made me feel like shit – fat, ugly and depressed (whilst eating my chocolate). The thing that gets me the most is they were all telling me how bad everything right now and how they’re all badly affected by what I’ve done because it’s hurt Phoebe so much and them by connection, and yet their lives don’t have seemed to have stopped at all. the only difference to before seems to be that I’m not in it.

Correction: I’m not allowed to be in it.

I was hardly in it before but now I’m just really not. And seeing all those pictures just makes me even more depressed at the fact that at the moment I just don’t feel like I can do that. I’m not drinking anymore (basically at all), I despise the thought of going out clubbing and having guys look at me or touch me, and I just can’t seem to be lively like they all seem to be. I just can’t do it at the moment. And seeing them all so happy while I’m like this and knowing that they don’t even give a shit about it or me, well I guess that hurts. I don’t want to see those photos anymore. So I sent them a message saying I was removing them all from my friends because it hurts too much and that if they ever want to be my friend again then they can add me and I’ll take that as a sign.

It was probably a mistake and the nail in my coffin. They now have no more reminders that I exist and used to be friends with them. No more contact directly or indirectly at all. All I can do is hope that one day they’ll remember me. In the mean time I need to forget. Forget it all.

It was a good day, but tonight is just one of those nights where I want to go to sleep and live in my dreams instead of reality. It’s one of those times where i just want to go to sleep and not wake to face this again, and one of those times when I just can’t stand living in this godforsaken town. I want out. And I want it now.

(at least Dom is having a good time. He emailed me just then and things are looking up. I think I’m trying to be happy and live vicariously through him… I’m hoping there’s a lot more to come. I want him to be happy.)

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May 30, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, emotions, friends, life | 4 Comments

Cleaning out the closet… or rather, computer.

So today I decided to procrastinate for several hours by cleaning out my computer – getting all the unnecessary shit off there to try and free up some space and stop it from freezing so often. Now when it comes to taking photos, I’m a chronic over-user of the camera – i like taking waaaaaay too many photos. So last time I did this I took off all the photos on my computer – all 60GB of them. I’ve lost far too many photos from computers crashing before. So they’re now safe on my separate hard drive.

This time I came up with the brain wave of deleting any unnecessary programs I have or any old versions. There was 10GB of memory freed up. And if I can transfer the majority of the programs from my Adobe Suite CS3 onto my external hard drive then that’ll be another 10-15GB depending on how many I get rid of.

Then I went for the photos. Turns out I’d managed to pile up 44.9GB again. So I went about cleaning them out. I’m now down to just over 20GB on the computer and I’m pretty happy with that for the moment. However it did mean finding a lot of funny old photos that I’d forgotten about. Ones all the way back to the beginning of high school. But these two made me laugh.

After having dragged the boys to watch New Moon (purely so that they could rip into it the whole time – which they did happily) they decided they had to do Edward Cullen mopey impressions. 

I’m pretty sure this was in 2008. Jane, Dom, Matt and I all went for a drive – first to the abandoned tafe (which resulted in many laughs as people tried hopelessly to get over the fences – particularly Matt) and then out to a water tower, and then finally to a lighthouse. This was taken at the top of the hill where the lighthouse is. It’s just plain hilarious because of their faces haha

May 30, 2010 Posted by | photography | Leave a comment

I don’t want to.

My beds become so lonely
No arms or sheets to hold me

 

Wake… from your sleep

The drying of your tears

Today we escape, we escape

.

May 29, 2010 Posted by | depression, emotions | Leave a comment

Quote of the Week #31

I only realised today that I have lapsed in both writing in general and my quote of the week. so to make up for last weeks (which would have no doubt been down right depressing considering all that was happening at the time – I’ll explain another time), I’m putting out two quotes this week. It seems to be becoming a bit of a habit to have more than one quote, but from now on, no more. Grr.

‘Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return.’

TH White

 

‘There is no privacy that cannot be penetrated, no secret can be kept in a civilised world. Society is a masked ball, where everyone hides his real character, then reveals it by hiding.’

Ralph Waldorf Emmerson

 

Three guesses what they connect to… and if you can’t guess it then wait a while and I’ll eventually write up some epic posts about the last week and a half. For now though, I’m off to bed because I’m tired and after six and a half hours of procrastinating, I think it’s clear I’m not getting any work done at the moment. On the bright side, my room is very clean and I have a large number of new movies downloaded. Yay.

Please and thank you 🙂 xx

May 29, 2010 Posted by | Quote of the Week, Quotes by People | Leave a comment

I got a feeling…

I have a feeling that I’m going to look like the fool one of these days not too far away now…

…I just keep telling myself it won’t end up like that, but I’m beginning to think it may be inevitable…

May 24, 2010 Posted by | emotions, moods, Personal | Leave a comment

I still love this scene…

I just watched Baz Lurhmann’s Romeo + Juliet again… twice in a row. I still love this movie and I think Baz did a brilliant job in it. I reckon on of it’s strongest acting highlights is definitely this scene with Leonardo Dicaprio. He does an amaaaaazing job… you just have to ignore the shitty first little juliet part…

May 22, 2010 Posted by | movies, youtube stuff | Leave a comment

Time doesn’t pass fast enough it seems…

It’s gonna get harder still
Before it gets easy
You can’t keep safe what wants to break

I’m alone in this
I’m as I’ve always been
Right behind what’s happening
She’s all lost in this
She’s all like she’ll always be
A little far for me to reach

 

..::Always Be::..

– Jimmy Eat World –

May 20, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, friends, just a quick note, lyrics | Leave a comment