…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

More and more choices….

Well last night Dad dropped a bomb.

Apparently the agreement for college wasn’t that he would only pay for one year (which got extended to two on account of the fact that I got accepted half way through the year). I thought this was the deal, and after that I would have to pay for it myself because I didn’t just get a completely free ride.

As a result, I’d always figured that once that time ran out, I’d have to leave college. Because as much as I love it there, I can’t afford to pay for it myself, and even if I could I would not pay that money for college. I would use it for travel. I’d save it. Even though I love college, if it came down to a choice between travel and college, I’d pick the worldly experiences.

Soooooooooooo….. This changes everything.

Before, I knew that this coming semester would be my last at college – the last thing holding me in the city. Once college was no longer an option, rather than torture myself by continuing Uni (something that I’m not enjoying at the moment) whilst moving back home (something else that I don’t really enjoy at all), I would instead fulfil my need to leave that place and instead get out to see some of the world. I was planning to leave at the end of the semester to go to either Canada or the USA to do a snowboard instructor internship – I pay to do the course and at the end of it there is a guaranteed job working with them. It sounded brilliant and if I wanted to do that, I really needed to jump onto that boat now before all the spots are taken. However, the ski season goes through until April – May sometimes…. and university starts in March.

Hence, I wouldn’t be able to stay the whole time… although I would maybe be able to get in 3 months worth of snowboarding time there… except 5 weeks of it is the training… so it’s just less than 2 months of actual work and I don’t think I’d earn enough in that time frame to even come away from it balanced – i think i will have spent more than I would have made. Which is shit.

But at least I’d be qualified to go across again the following season… when I will have almost have finished my degree.

The thing is, Dad’s hopes were apparently that I wouldn’t take a gap year at all and that I would just go through and do the rest of my degree in one hit – get it done and out of the way. And he would pay for me to be at college for that (of course I don’t think he’s aware that I’m actually at uni for an extra semester that a normal arts degree)… And I take my Dad’s hopes really seriously. Because I don’t want to dispaoint him. There’s honestly very few things that I can think of that would be worse than disapointing Dad. And I don’t want to.

So I guess now it comes down to this semester – If by the end of this semester I think I can hack it and I can finish my degree in one shot, then I will do it. But if I’m still desperate for that time away, well there’s no point in wasting either Dad’s or my money.

On the bright side, at least this means that I could do the shakespeare courses coming up next year in first semester.I’ve been looking forward to them and was so annoyed that I would miss them if I went away. I love shakespeare. And Arts courses are on a rotational once every two years sort of thing.

Anyways, I’m off to bed now. I’m fucking knackered, it’s just past 1am and there’s a spider crawling around on the desk somewhere at the moment… and my lack of knowing of it’s precise whereabouts is kind of freaking me out at the moment…

So it’s goodnight time and I shall write again tomorrow (perhaps) haha.

xx

June 22, 2010 Posted by | college, ESCAPE!, family, observation, Personal, Travel, university | Leave a comment

Whatever.

So yesterday was stressful. Resulted in me snapping at Erin a couple of times when she was distracting me from study. Then I did my final exam (for the moment) for which I was totally unprepared and had to wing for half of it with some bullshit that I didn’t know and made up. Overall, pretty crap exam. And you know how usually you get so excited and overjoyed at the fact that you’ve finally finished? Yeah, none of that for me. Because I still had two assignments to do and during the holidays, another exam to study for. Fucking ace hey -_-

Anyways, so I came back to college and ended up wasting pretty much the rest of the day before sitting in Erin’s room as more and more people piled in for pre drinks… and steadily drank. Had an interesting conversation with her friend who is a quarter Vietnamese, a quarter French, and half Lebanese… but was brought up in Switzerland… Interesting mix no? So he spoke french as his first language, arabic as his second and english as his third. His friend was also Swiss (but raised here) and was one of those really macho with HUGE guns guys that was totally overcompensating for the fact that he was going to be gay. Or in the very least bisexual. I think he is just going to be gay, but Erin seems to think my gaydar is broken… Problem is, at this age, you can’t really prove that it’s correct, because not that many guys come out of the closet this early.

Anyways that was pretty good and then they all left to go out of the town (something I could be fucked doing because I was going to do my assignment… which I didn’t end up doing but whatever). I got a call about an hour or so later from a extremely drunk and crying Erin asking me to come pick her up, so I did seeing as she was walking home alone back to college after being kicked out from where they were. So I got her upstairs (which was surprisingly easy for once) and then got her in to bed (which was somewhat harder, but for once she actually stayed there, thank goodness). This was, of course, only after she had had her really weird drunken non sensical conversations to 4 other people who were stone sober. One of those sober people was smart enough to get photographic evidence of her. Thank you charles.

After that it sort of started to go down hill. Sort of like a snowy mountain and how the small snowball you drop becomes the huge ass problem as it gathers enough  speed size and momentum rolling down the hill that it just covers an entire house when it finally crashes? Only problem with that analogy is that I don’t know if it’s crashed yet or if it’s still rolling…

I mean yes, I had an emotional night last night and I didn’t end up so well (obviously, given my last post). But I don’t know if that was supposed to be carried over to today. Sort of seems like it has been which I didn’t really expect. I thought there’d just be a reply and that’d be it. Problem is without the reply now, I’m sort of hesitant to book a ticket to Vietnam as planned… which is funny considering everything was so darn sure last week, and this week has just been… well a shambles really.

Maybe it’s exam stress getting to me, maybe it’s my attempt to change sleeping patterns (which was going very well until last night/today) and being tired, or maybe it’s just a plain bad week. I tend to think it’s a combination of all of them really. Because in the last two weeks I’ve been feeling fine and cruisey but at the same time business like, but the key part is, I haven’t been overly emotional. I think I shed a mere one tear and that was it…. so much for that.

I’m better tonight though… well in a manner of speaking: Instead of being emotional and upset I’m sort of more annoyed than anything. Not so much as a result of last night (which I am still freaking confused about) but because of tonight.

*omg I just lost the rest of this post because the internet fucked up. Life hates me*

Basically, tonight we had pre drinks again in Erin’s room but with less people and it was a whole lot less fun. Two girls got REALLY drunk in comparison to the others and one is a really annoying drunk (which I fucking hate when I’m not drunk as well). I ended up driving them to the pub on the proviso that if she got rejected or kicked out she would catch a cab back and not walk (or call me). Turns out, after I got home and finally started my nap, I got called up again by another girl at college asking me to come pick up on of the other girls because she was trashed and had been kicked out. 

So back I went, like the freaking nanny that I seem to be at the moment, and then got her back to college and into bed – with a number of stops along the way so she could decide if she wanted to vomit some more. Charming. I assure you. Then I went back to having my nap only to be woken up yet again

Our floor is supposed to have only 3 of us left at the moment because everyone else has moved out. Not a problem. Except I was woken up at 3am by college people (who don’t even live in this area) standing in the hallway right outside my door talking and laughing loudly. Usually I’d been fine about it, because let’s face it, I’d probably still be up. But no. Not cool. So I dragged myself out of bed, got semi dressed, opened the door, did a I’m still half asleep glare and said, not aggressively but just exhaustedly, “Guys, fuck off… Like usually it wouldn’t be a problem but this area is supposed to be deserted and you’ve been making noise all night down stairs…. So just, leave this area.”

I guess because I look pretty scary when I wake up normally, and this was a time when I’d be disturbed and sleep deprived, I must have looked kinda scary standing in my doorway like that. Plus I’m a year older than them in terms of college and uni, and I was too tired to take the polite way out so I was just straight to the point and frank. They all apologised with horrified looks on their faces and bailed pretty quick as far as I’m aware.

I don’t like to be woken unexpectedly. 

When people disturb and wake me unexpectedly, that’s probably my meanest times. I get damn well grouchy. Grouchier than if I was sleep and food deprived for 3 days straight. You don’t mess with me when I’m woken in the middle of sleep. I always felt sorry for my Mum in that respect.

Anyway, that’s the short of it. 

There’s only two other pieces of news – both shit of course.

The other day I went back to Mum’s house and sitting in my bookshelf I found an old book I was given by Mel, one of the girls that recently decided they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. She wrote it for me in the summer holidays before year 11 and gave it to me on my 16th birthday: ‘The Life Stories of [me] and Melanie’. It was our joke because when we wrote each other emails or talked on the phone we would ramble a lot and I would always say at the end of really long ones, “and that’s my life story”. So she wrote down a whole bunch of memories and random crap in there and gave it to me. There was a page though which had her thoughts about life on it. And I wish I’d copied it out now, but there was a part that was something along the lines of Sometimes you just can’t help the way you feel. Sometimes you make mistakes in life. Sometimes they’re big and there’s nothing you can do about them, but learn from them and try to move on. I found it kind of ironic to read something that applied so well to the current situation – something that she hadn’t been able to see or move past. So i wrote a note on the back of a picture of her and me saying that she was wiser than she realised and she wasn’t even 16 at the time.

I put in a couple more photos marking a page where she described my character and a page where she described a time we had bonded over breaking up with boyfriends in year 10 haha. Then I put it into a bag with a note saying that it was about time I gave the book back to her because she seemed to need it more than I did. That I still remembered the way we were and everything used to be. That she’d said she didn’t know who I was anymore, and I said that I was still exactly the same person that she wrote about in the book, just that I was a few years older and had a few more mistakes to account for. Then I wished her good luck with everything and said that she would be great one day.

I did all of that about 2 weeks ago and put off sending it to her because I didn’t know if I’d regret it and I thought she was on the verge of maybe wanting to try get past all this shit and talk to me again. Turns out she wasn’t and I don’t… well not really. I can’t decide if I ended up doing it because I was in a bad mood thanks to my mother and exam stress, or if it was just another part of purging all that shit from my life made bolder by my mood at the time. I dunno. Whatever it was, it’s done. It was two days ago and I still haven’t heard from her…. Soooo maybe she just doesn’t care? Or maybe I hurt her? Or maybe she’s just not home at the moment. I don’t know.

And the final last bit of news:

I dropped a unit.

I went to the arts faculty advisor today to clear up some things with her about my special consideration today. Turns out she suggested that I drop one of my politics units  – which she would do for me without academic or financial penalty because of the special consideration – and that way I wouldn’t have to do one of the assignments I was supposed to do tonight and crash and burn trying to do both. So I withdrew from that unit. Turns out that I really just don’t have any where enough motivation at the moment to be able to do five subjects… I don’t really have any motivation for anything at the moment. I decided the other day that I jut don’t have anything to focus on at the moment. I’m drifting so aimlessly. It’s horrifyingly stupid and I can’t stand it.

Next semester I think I’m either only going to do just 3 subjects or 4 at the very most. That way I can focus on those ones and I can work more to get money to bail on this place as soon as the semester is over.

I guess on the bright side at least now I only have one exam to focus on for my deferred examinations at the beginning of next semester. Which means less stress. And the assignments I handed in late anywhere between 3 to 5 weeks, won’t be penalised (well, one is, because I agreed with that tutor yesterday that he just wouldn’t fail me providing it was an alright essay – so the faculty advisor didn’t try to change what I’d already agreed to. I was supposed to lose 50% though so it’s still a good deal).

But it is another set back on finishing university and getting out of here. Which is fucking annoying.

Owell. Whatever.

I’ve got to do this darn essay and then move out of college. Fuck I want sleep. And answers. And money to travel.

Get me out of here.

June 18, 2010 Posted by | bored, Choices, college, confusing!!, drunk/drinking, friends, just a quick note, life, university | 3 Comments

Yes. Don’t we all just LOVE fire alarms…

In a college where if one alarm goes off they all do, fire alarms become fucking bastards. They ARE the enemy… Loud noisy ringy enemies.

This morning the fire alarm went off all around the old wing. I dunno about enywhere else in college but definitely my wing. And considering a LOT of students have exams today, disturbing their sleep at 6am for a seemingly false alarm? So not cool fire alarm system. So not cool.

June 14, 2010 Posted by | college, trouble | Leave a comment

Gods I Love College.

Yesterday and today I’ve walked across to university a couple of times and each time it’s reminded me why I love Uni – because I love leaving it to come back home to college. 

Walking up that driveway is just beautiful. 

I want to go as far as saying that it’s something magical, even at the risk of it sounding that incredibly corny.

But that’s what I love about uni: going home haha

June 5, 2010 Posted by | college, university | Leave a comment

This is shit.

Well basically today has just been a bad day. I went to bed at 8.30am (for now particular reason at all), woke up at 9.30am sick, and finally got back to sleep only to be awoken by the alarm clock at 11.30am. I put off getting up until I had to at 12.30 and just dozed for the hour, but overall it was one of the shittest sleeps I’ve had lately.

I had to get up though because today was Car Rally – a college event where we all race around the city doing different challenges in teams and all dressed up in a theme per group. Erin chose Peter Pan for our team so I was Captain Hook… not that amazing considering a pirate costume is a pretty standard dress up.

But I just really wasn’t in the mood today. It doesn’t help that I was tired, but recently all I’ve wanted to do is just sleep all day and not get up when I do wake up. So today, when I had to get up and try to be all sociable and fun (something I’ve avoided at large recently), it didn’t go down so well and I just ended up tired and depressed.

To make matters worse, I was just missing Dom the whole time.

When we got to the final destination of Car Rally (Tess’s property and the barn), that’s where everyone had headed and so there was bulk people – most drunk and overly enthusiastic/happy/energetic. Nothing makes me withdraw more when I’m in a mood like that than having people like that around. I didn’t really want to go to the final destination at all and I slept in the car on the way there, but seeing as there was 5 of us in the car and I was the only one that didn’t want to go, that didn’t really work out… Plus Erin, who was driving, planned on going there and getting positively smashed and sleeping the night (like a lot of people), so I was stuck for a lift home tonight anyway.

Eventually, I managed to scab a lift back to college and I was asleep before midnight – which was a first for me in heaven knows how long. But I woke up again at 3.30am – hence why I’m awake.

It’s just that while I was at the party at Tess’s, I was just sitting there thinking about Dom and I wanted nothing more than to just have him there and sitting next to the bonfire with his arms around me. I miss that feeling so much. And I kept remembering the feeling of him holding my hand to wake me up on the last day when he came into the spare room where I’d fallen asleep in the morning due to me being sick. I was sound asleep dreaming but I could feel my hand being gripped or tugged in my dream and it woke me, and there he was. He was sitting in front of me holding my hand and his face was the first thing I saw when I woke up.

I’d give anything for that again.

I hate this. And I hate being stuck here. I’m making plans to leave… at least temporarily.

May 2, 2010 Posted by | college, depression, emotions, just a quick note, life, love, moods, people, Personal | 1 Comment

A Disturbing Fact

(Note: I’m guessing most people wouldn’t really care to read this kind of thing so please DO take note of the title!)

This year at college, the room that I nominated to have (and succeeded in getting) is in a hallway with 7 other girls. Now I was quite happy with this fact because I wanted to be in a hallway. The only downside is sharing one bathroom.

Now whilst we ARE girls, this isn’t a problem in terms of all using it at the same time – never had that problem so far. However, it is a slight problem when it comes to the toilet: I was most disturbed this evening to discover that I recognised the smell of my old room mates (as erin would put it) poop.

There is something OUTRAGEOUSLY wrong with that and I truly horrified.

Please wipe the memory from my brain?

March 19, 2010 Posted by | bored, college, just a quick note | Leave a comment

Hectic Life + Sickness = Shitty Times :)

I’m so sick and tired of being sick! gahhhhhhh!

Being ill sucks big time and I’m just soooooooo over it. I want it to go away and just be done with me (whatever this illness is). My voice goes between absolutely retarded and semi normal. It sounds so stupid and I’m sick of it.

I have a ball tomorrow night and thanks to this sickness (and the fact that I’m not happy with the dress I’m to wear), I’m really not all that enthusiastic about the Ball. Then again it could also be something to do with the fact that I haven’t gone out with any one from St Georges (well I haven’t really gone out at all lately) and I haven’t even just chilled with them, because I’ve been working bloody full time. 

Like, as much as I appreciate and need the money, my father is paying for me to go to college and by me working full time, I’m not getting the full experience of college and I’m not getting everything out of it that I should…. not to mention I’ve now royally screwed myself over for my exams (thanks to me being a slacker all semester!).

Owell. What ya gonna do about it?

Better go because I have work in an hour and a half and I still need to go to the shops, pick up books, pack things up etc. Yay for a hectic life… No really, it sucks.

ps. One of my articles was published in the University Newspaper… woop woop (yeh that really wasn’t enthusiastic…)

October 9, 2009 Posted by | college, sick, work | Leave a comment