…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

Fighting + Ha Long Bay + DINGUSSSSS!

I forgot to write about how the other day (Sunday night I’m pretty sure) Dom and I ended up having what started as a simple conversation in bed about what was wrong because something had been off that day, and ended up as a mass scale fight resulting in me getting out of bed and sleeping on the floor. The later scale of the fight was all happening just before and around 3am complete with yelling and everything. Dom losing his patience and temper and me just getting upset, giving up and eventually just telling him that he was always mean and I couldn’t put up with it anymore – because he was and is one of the very few people that I won’t fight with. I just give up to save effort because its honestly just SO exhausting and he’s so stubborn that it never gets anywhere. I also told him that him telling me what I’m doing/saying/acting doesn’t make me see he side or convince me in the slightest to do what he is asking (at the time he was trying to get me back into the bed rather than sleeping on the floor by abusing me and telling me I was being stupid… Ok well the move of sleeping on the floor wasn’t exactly smart but he didn’t make getting back into bed an option with his tone of voice and the things he was saying).

Anyways, we ended up sorting out that little spat. I stopped crying after a bit and he held me until I was calm. I love it when he holds me – and that will be the biggest thing I miss at night time. I can forgo the sex easily. Anyways, I think the result was that I was going to stay and that we wouldn’t be “just friends”, we would be more, but at the same time we wouldn’t be quite what we used to be – we’d never get that back.

Since then Dom has been more “touchy feely” and just doing the simple things like brushing my back or touching my shoulder when we’re sitting down. He doesn’t do those things normally, because he’s really not a touchy feely kind of guy, so I don’t know what changed that. I don’t know if it was the conversation that night or if we’re just getting along better. I honestly don’t know. Maybe it’s that Phoebe and his emails have been going downhill/stopped/hit a brick wall. I honestly don’t know but it makes me soooo happy and allows me to fool myself a lot easier about him still caring for me…. Even if one of the things covered the other night WAS the fact that he does not love me romantically anymore at all – ie he’s not in love with me – but that he loves me as in he cares for me. Sort of like how you can care for and love a best friend I guess. I dunno.

I dunno.

Anyways, yesterday we got up ridiculously early, after basically no sleep the night before because of shitty half sleep dreaming and then my stomach fucking up, as per usual, so I get jittery and can’t sit still. So, I got up and sat in the bathroom eating a cheese sandwich and drinking apple juice whilst listening to my iPod and writing the ‘Eclipse’ episode blog post. With roughly 2 hours of shitty half sleep and half an hour of dozing under my belt, we got up and finished last minute packing to head downstairs for the only free breakfast we’ve actually bothered with at our hotel and waiting for the bus to come collect us for Ha Long Bay. Of course, at just past 6am that morning it had started to fucking PISS down with rain – the day that we decided to travel to Ha Long Bay and beaches.

Sick one Vietnam.

So, when the bus rocked up 50 minutes late, we were escorted to it with many umbrellas dashing backwards and forwards with us, but essentially doing nothing. We crammed in (Dom crammed more so than myself considering I’m smaller and more bendable into weird positions on busses). Thus began our slow journey out of Hanoi where apparently they haven’t discovered the modern wonders of street drains (the streets were fucking flooded – no exaggeration cars were buried in water in some areas and mottos were absolutely useless). A number of hours and many pathetic attempts at little naps later, we arrived at the porting area for the big junker boats that heavily populate Ha Long Bay for tourism.

We sat there for almost an hour while Dingus (the overly cheery and stereotype Asian dorky type tour guide who we quickly nicknamed for his incompetence and pure nerve straining annoyingness) finally managed to secure us a boat – that’s right they don’t actually organise one until you get there despite you being booked into an actual tour group. SO we boarded onto a stupid tiny tin boat that would transport us to where it was anchored a couple of hundred metres away. The shitty little transport was of course broken (like everything else in Vietnam) and the tarp over the side we sat was ripped all the way along. Thanks to that, we continued to be sprinkled with the light rain adding to the ridiculous humidity, and then when we finally reached the boat and thought it was over, it sloshed all the roof water down through the rip and out of the whole row of people it landed on lucky ‘ol me. There’s nothing I don’t love more than some dirty roof water. It’s just sooooooo awesome -_-

But nevertheless, we were on board finally and sailing into the bay amongst the islands. Turns out we were dealt a bad hand for the rooms – both Matt and Kristie, and Dom and I got the shittiest smallest cabins I’m fairly sure. Well, I can safely say, they were definitely nothing like the one I had in February when I was here last time. And to top it off, at this time of the year – the hottest – to save on electricity bills they don’t turn on the aircon until night time, which is most definitely not something they specified before the tour, nor enforced last time in February. Oh and did I mention they turn it off at 5.30 in the morning? So, you get to wake up at 7am or earlier in a sweltering mess of disgusting heat and sweat. They could at least leave it running until 7.30 when we were told we had to be up by for breakfast. DO THE DECENT THING VIETNAM! And to think we paid US$98 for this trip (well US$100 if you count the $2 per person bribe to the bus driver to take us straight to the hotel rather than waiting 2+ hours for the others to get back from hiking).

So, now we’re holed up in our hotel rooms on this god forsaken island acting like the tired and rude westerner tourists that I so hate. But I’m that exhausted and sick of this that I have been reduced to this horrifying behaviour. We even paid an extra US$10 each in order to go to the supposedly “better” hotel. I’m perplexed as to what could possibly be better about this one though – the service is poor, the air con is crap, our room has such a strong musty smell that’s making me have hay fever, and my butt is currently trying to tell me that I’d probably be a lot more comfortable sitting and sleeping on the wooden floor rather than the bed – it’s that shit! I’ll be fucked if I know how I’m going to sleep on it tonight, so here’s to the third night in a row of no/shit sleep.

And I forewent going for the “itinery” specified trip to Monkey Island to sit inside with the blinds drawn and attempt to relax. I’m still yet to see such an itinery, and we were never told that even was one. I know it completely defeats the purpose of being in another country to do this, and paying good money to go on a tour, but I’m that exhausted and fed up that I care very little.

Today at lunch Dom asked Kristie and I if we would enjoy traveling here more if we weren’t with them and their constant pessimism/complaining. I pointed out that there was no way I would even be here if it wasn’t for them – I didn’t come here for the country, I came to see them. That’s it. Because I said to myself after my tour here in Feb that I would be more than happy if I never ever returned to Vietnam. I had made up my mind long ago that I hated this country and it’s people and I warned the boys that it was shit (but they had to experience it for themselves, and now that they have, they completely agree). I mean sure, traveling with these guys makes Vietnam seem that little bit worse, but I don’t care about that because I already hate the country. I travel with them because its them that I love hanging out with – simply sitting there eating a meal is hilarious with them and forcing them to watch shitty movies like Mama Mia becomes comedy central. That’s why I came (and why I’m still here despite everything that has happened.

Anyways, the M&Ms have just run out and Dom has already commented on how freaking long this is twice already. So I shall leave it here for today and maybe see what other shitty McShit movies are on offer at the moment on TV.

I never thought I’d say it, because I hate this country so much, but I can’t wait to get back to Hanoi.

(Although I’d prefer to be in Wanaka at the moment… *sigh* if only)

Xin Chao.

I’m outee for now.

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July 14, 2010 Posted by | confusing!!, emotions, experiences, idiotic, love, Personal, Vietnam Trip with the Boys, Vietnam Trip with the Boys | Leave a comment

Whatever.

So yesterday was stressful. Resulted in me snapping at Erin a couple of times when she was distracting me from study. Then I did my final exam (for the moment) for which I was totally unprepared and had to wing for half of it with some bullshit that I didn’t know and made up. Overall, pretty crap exam. And you know how usually you get so excited and overjoyed at the fact that you’ve finally finished? Yeah, none of that for me. Because I still had two assignments to do and during the holidays, another exam to study for. Fucking ace hey -_-

Anyways, so I came back to college and ended up wasting pretty much the rest of the day before sitting in Erin’s room as more and more people piled in for pre drinks… and steadily drank. Had an interesting conversation with her friend who is a quarter Vietnamese, a quarter French, and half Lebanese… but was brought up in Switzerland… Interesting mix no? So he spoke french as his first language, arabic as his second and english as his third. His friend was also Swiss (but raised here) and was one of those really macho with HUGE guns guys that was totally overcompensating for the fact that he was going to be gay. Or in the very least bisexual. I think he is just going to be gay, but Erin seems to think my gaydar is broken… Problem is, at this age, you can’t really prove that it’s correct, because not that many guys come out of the closet this early.

Anyways that was pretty good and then they all left to go out of the town (something I could be fucked doing because I was going to do my assignment… which I didn’t end up doing but whatever). I got a call about an hour or so later from a extremely drunk and crying Erin asking me to come pick her up, so I did seeing as she was walking home alone back to college after being kicked out from where they were. So I got her upstairs (which was surprisingly easy for once) and then got her in to bed (which was somewhat harder, but for once she actually stayed there, thank goodness). This was, of course, only after she had had her really weird drunken non sensical conversations to 4 other people who were stone sober. One of those sober people was smart enough to get photographic evidence of her. Thank you charles.

After that it sort of started to go down hill. Sort of like a snowy mountain and how the small snowball you drop becomes the huge ass problem as it gathers enough  speed size and momentum rolling down the hill that it just covers an entire house when it finally crashes? Only problem with that analogy is that I don’t know if it’s crashed yet or if it’s still rolling…

I mean yes, I had an emotional night last night and I didn’t end up so well (obviously, given my last post). But I don’t know if that was supposed to be carried over to today. Sort of seems like it has been which I didn’t really expect. I thought there’d just be a reply and that’d be it. Problem is without the reply now, I’m sort of hesitant to book a ticket to Vietnam as planned… which is funny considering everything was so darn sure last week, and this week has just been… well a shambles really.

Maybe it’s exam stress getting to me, maybe it’s my attempt to change sleeping patterns (which was going very well until last night/today) and being tired, or maybe it’s just a plain bad week. I tend to think it’s a combination of all of them really. Because in the last two weeks I’ve been feeling fine and cruisey but at the same time business like, but the key part is, I haven’t been overly emotional. I think I shed a mere one tear and that was it…. so much for that.

I’m better tonight though… well in a manner of speaking: Instead of being emotional and upset I’m sort of more annoyed than anything. Not so much as a result of last night (which I am still freaking confused about) but because of tonight.

*omg I just lost the rest of this post because the internet fucked up. Life hates me*

Basically, tonight we had pre drinks again in Erin’s room but with less people and it was a whole lot less fun. Two girls got REALLY drunk in comparison to the others and one is a really annoying drunk (which I fucking hate when I’m not drunk as well). I ended up driving them to the pub on the proviso that if she got rejected or kicked out she would catch a cab back and not walk (or call me). Turns out, after I got home and finally started my nap, I got called up again by another girl at college asking me to come pick up on of the other girls because she was trashed and had been kicked out. 

So back I went, like the freaking nanny that I seem to be at the moment, and then got her back to college and into bed – with a number of stops along the way so she could decide if she wanted to vomit some more. Charming. I assure you. Then I went back to having my nap only to be woken up yet again

Our floor is supposed to have only 3 of us left at the moment because everyone else has moved out. Not a problem. Except I was woken up at 3am by college people (who don’t even live in this area) standing in the hallway right outside my door talking and laughing loudly. Usually I’d been fine about it, because let’s face it, I’d probably still be up. But no. Not cool. So I dragged myself out of bed, got semi dressed, opened the door, did a I’m still half asleep glare and said, not aggressively but just exhaustedly, “Guys, fuck off… Like usually it wouldn’t be a problem but this area is supposed to be deserted and you’ve been making noise all night down stairs…. So just, leave this area.”

I guess because I look pretty scary when I wake up normally, and this was a time when I’d be disturbed and sleep deprived, I must have looked kinda scary standing in my doorway like that. Plus I’m a year older than them in terms of college and uni, and I was too tired to take the polite way out so I was just straight to the point and frank. They all apologised with horrified looks on their faces and bailed pretty quick as far as I’m aware.

I don’t like to be woken unexpectedly. 

When people disturb and wake me unexpectedly, that’s probably my meanest times. I get damn well grouchy. Grouchier than if I was sleep and food deprived for 3 days straight. You don’t mess with me when I’m woken in the middle of sleep. I always felt sorry for my Mum in that respect.

Anyway, that’s the short of it. 

There’s only two other pieces of news – both shit of course.

The other day I went back to Mum’s house and sitting in my bookshelf I found an old book I was given by Mel, one of the girls that recently decided they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. She wrote it for me in the summer holidays before year 11 and gave it to me on my 16th birthday: ‘The Life Stories of [me] and Melanie’. It was our joke because when we wrote each other emails or talked on the phone we would ramble a lot and I would always say at the end of really long ones, “and that’s my life story”. So she wrote down a whole bunch of memories and random crap in there and gave it to me. There was a page though which had her thoughts about life on it. And I wish I’d copied it out now, but there was a part that was something along the lines of Sometimes you just can’t help the way you feel. Sometimes you make mistakes in life. Sometimes they’re big and there’s nothing you can do about them, but learn from them and try to move on. I found it kind of ironic to read something that applied so well to the current situation – something that she hadn’t been able to see or move past. So i wrote a note on the back of a picture of her and me saying that she was wiser than she realised and she wasn’t even 16 at the time.

I put in a couple more photos marking a page where she described my character and a page where she described a time we had bonded over breaking up with boyfriends in year 10 haha. Then I put it into a bag with a note saying that it was about time I gave the book back to her because she seemed to need it more than I did. That I still remembered the way we were and everything used to be. That she’d said she didn’t know who I was anymore, and I said that I was still exactly the same person that she wrote about in the book, just that I was a few years older and had a few more mistakes to account for. Then I wished her good luck with everything and said that she would be great one day.

I did all of that about 2 weeks ago and put off sending it to her because I didn’t know if I’d regret it and I thought she was on the verge of maybe wanting to try get past all this shit and talk to me again. Turns out she wasn’t and I don’t… well not really. I can’t decide if I ended up doing it because I was in a bad mood thanks to my mother and exam stress, or if it was just another part of purging all that shit from my life made bolder by my mood at the time. I dunno. Whatever it was, it’s done. It was two days ago and I still haven’t heard from her…. Soooo maybe she just doesn’t care? Or maybe I hurt her? Or maybe she’s just not home at the moment. I don’t know.

And the final last bit of news:

I dropped a unit.

I went to the arts faculty advisor today to clear up some things with her about my special consideration today. Turns out she suggested that I drop one of my politics units  – which she would do for me without academic or financial penalty because of the special consideration – and that way I wouldn’t have to do one of the assignments I was supposed to do tonight and crash and burn trying to do both. So I withdrew from that unit. Turns out that I really just don’t have any where enough motivation at the moment to be able to do five subjects… I don’t really have any motivation for anything at the moment. I decided the other day that I jut don’t have anything to focus on at the moment. I’m drifting so aimlessly. It’s horrifyingly stupid and I can’t stand it.

Next semester I think I’m either only going to do just 3 subjects or 4 at the very most. That way I can focus on those ones and I can work more to get money to bail on this place as soon as the semester is over.

I guess on the bright side at least now I only have one exam to focus on for my deferred examinations at the beginning of next semester. Which means less stress. And the assignments I handed in late anywhere between 3 to 5 weeks, won’t be penalised (well, one is, because I agreed with that tutor yesterday that he just wouldn’t fail me providing it was an alright essay – so the faculty advisor didn’t try to change what I’d already agreed to. I was supposed to lose 50% though so it’s still a good deal).

But it is another set back on finishing university and getting out of here. Which is fucking annoying.

Owell. Whatever.

I’ve got to do this darn essay and then move out of college. Fuck I want sleep. And answers. And money to travel.

Get me out of here.

June 18, 2010 Posted by | bored, Choices, college, confusing!!, drunk/drinking, friends, just a quick note, life, university | 3 Comments