…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

The End.

Well it’s finally official.

Due to the recent events with Dom and us going our separate ways, I’ve decided to move blog again. It’s not so much about the anonymity anymore, but because Dom and his friend both knew this site and read it on occasion, and I don’t want Dom to be able to read my overly emotional crap while I’m trying to move on and get over him.

Call it girly, call it weak, call it whatever. I’m taking it elsewhere.

This blog had a good run anyway. It just passed one year since it was begun, and in that time I’ve had close on 159, 517 views by people. Not bad in my books.

But now it’s time to move on.
I really don’t want to. But I know I need to.

…I can’t do this anymore… 
 

.
I feel that when I’m old, I’ll look at you and know
, the world was beautiful.
Then you tell me…
You say that love goes anywhere
. In your darkest time, it’s just enough to know it’s there
. When you go, I’ll let you be
,
but you’re killing everything in me
I’m done, there’s nothing left to show

I try but can’t let it go.

.


When you’re too in love to let it go, but if you never try, you’ll never know,

just what you’re worth…

.

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July 27, 2010 Posted by | death, depression, disapointment | Leave a comment

Car crash.

It’s been raining this afternoon. Not too heavily I don’t think because I’d been home all afternoon studying and I didn’t hear it bucketing down or anything, but enough to create rather wet roads here. Last time it rained and I was driving in Dad’s car I had my foot to the floor on the brakes and that almost wasn’t enough to stop me sliding down a hill into the intersection. I had honestly though I was going to hit a car going past that time but I managed to just miss it luckily. I didn’t know whether it was that there was no grip on Dad’s tyres or if the bakes were dying, but I suspect probably a deadly combination of the two.

Today though, I was driving along at a pretty moderate speed, considering it had been raining, and I was going around a bend in the road – one which isn’t too sharp a turn, but still a bend nonetheless. I didn’t think it was a big enough turn to do this, but apparently on a wet road it is. I felt the car start to turn a bit on its own and turned the wheel to compensate. A second later it did it again but it went out of control and neither me semi screaming or trying to turn the essentially useless steering wheel seemed to control or help the situation in any manner.

The car did a full skid and swing, turning a complete 180 degrees on it’s own to the other side of the road, whilst I was trying to use the brake but not so much that it would make me completely skid out of control. I ended up on the curb of someones driveway at a stop, shaken and frantically looking for any cars coming in that direction and that could potentially rear end me. Thankfully there wasn’t any cars there at the same time as it happened or I would have hit them and had a potentially serious car crash. And thankfully I also didn’t manage to lose control until the point where I was in the clear of missing the traffic island and big poles in the centre of the two lanes. That probably would have resulted in one of two outcomes: hitting it at an angle or straight on and bringing me to a stop but also mangling Dad’s car; or mounting the curb with one wheel just enough to have the possibility of the car rolling onto it’s side.

Dad only drive’s a small Peugot Astra thank god. If it had of been a four wheel drive or something I would have been fucked.

But most of this posts has been about “ifs” and “luckily” nots. In the scenario I got, I ended up fine other than having my nerves and any confidence left in that car shaken up like a milkshake. I hate that car.

July 2, 2010 Posted by | death, Personal, rain | 1 Comment

Dreams

I had a dream last night that Dom died… Not cool.

And then I had a dream this morning where I got married… To my mum.

Tell me that that’s not COMPLETELY and utterly FUCKED UP.

May 19, 2010 Posted by | death, dreams | Leave a comment

Disturbing videos from the War in Iraq

Just thought I’d post a couple of videos. This first one, I was shown in my communications lecture on ‘Violence in the media and Children’. It was pretty shocking to say the least. The girl next to me jumped a mile when the shot goes off.

This video is another video that was linked to the previous one and one which caused quite a scandal on its own. This one was actual publicised unlike the previous one. (please excuse the fact that I couldn’t find a video which had both the horrifying yelping and the footage of the actual throw mixed together – although other videos have the actual throw shown in them).

And now, here’s the beauty of life in this time and age: a parody of it.

October 13, 2009 Posted by | death, disapointment, war | Leave a comment

Let’s make the horrible mood last longer shall we…?

­­Yesterday was the funeral of Curtis. I went along to it very sombre and stood with Mel, crying my eyes out at the speeches, at the memories, at the photos. Hearing Emma, his girlfriend who I have known since year 3, get up there and make the first speech, I just lost it altogether. Then after I thought I had calmed down a bit and the ceremony was over, we walked past the coffin on our way to the lounge and I saw Doug, Emma’s little brother who I’ve known since he was practically still in diapers, crying next to the coffin. I lost it again.

But anyways, rather than describing the whole thing, I’ll skip that and get to the part mentioned in the title. So we finally went outside afterwards and we were standing there talking to the group of people I used to be friends with before this whole Jane thing happened. Jane was standing in the group as well. It was slightly awkward, but I ignored that fact. Then Mel and I went to leave and I hugged everyone in the group goodbye – I had been very aware of this situation being a possibility and had thought previously that it would probably be best just not to hug anyone at all so that way it wouldn’t be awkward when I didn’t hug her.

But hey, things just didn’t end up happening that way. It ended up that I did hug everyone and then when I was waiting for Mel to finish saying goodbye to everyone, I waited beside her. I looked at Jane who was on the other side of her and I thought when we caught eye contact we had a silent understanding of some sort. she did a small nod and and i did one of those half smiles and mouthed “cya” to her. Then we left.

You see a while back someone had left a comment on a picture she was tagged in on my facebook and so it sent her a notification. She then commented that she was detagging herself because the memories were too painful. I then commented back saying she needed to also delete the comments otherwise she would still get notifications. So then she sent me a facebook message saying this:

” Why do you have these mini conversations with me? Or even address me through picture comment conversations if you wont even talk to me? It’s just like this massive tease and it hurts so much. So if I’ve ever said anything to hurt you it’s because I want you to feel as shit as I do.”

Mel and I went to get coffee after that and happened to run into two of the boys from the funeral who went to our high school as well. We were all sitting there together having a good time, when I got a text message from Jane’s mum. After reading it I could feel myself about to break down so I just made some shit excuse to Mel and practically ran out of the place. Here’s what the text said:

“Well elisha you showed your true colours today not only to me but to everyone standing there today. I now believe you must enjoy hurting *Jane*. you have a heart as had as steel! All over a kiss and a cuddle with some dickhead. We all make mistakes in life and learn by them. *Jane* has been through enough without you adding to it. Sorry i am writing this but enough is enough and i am soooo disapointed in you. Karen”

I wanted to write a reply to that, but what do you write? What are you supposed to say to that. Part of me wanted to defend myself and try and set some of the record straight, but another part of me kept saying you did wrong, so you have to take this shit silently and suffer. I did draft a reply to her, but I never sent it:

“I want u to know I NEVER wanted to hurt *Jane*. Never. I know that I did and I have to continue living with that. But its too painful for me to go back to how it was and I know *Jane* won’t settle for anything less. I know everyone thinks I dealt with it the wrong way… nd I can’t take back wat I did. Truth is, it wasn’t as simple as just the event at her party. It was bigger than that. And now I’m a different person to who I was at the beginning of the year. I don’t expect sympathy or understanding coz I’m sure u don’t think I deserve it, but when I gave up *jane* I gave up a lot. I still worry about her every single day, but I can’t do anything about it because talking to her will only hurt her even more. And lastly, I say this with the utmost love and respect for u, but I hope you’re finally supporting her. In every choice – school AND lifestyle.”

It would have been foolish to send the message so I’m glad I didn’t but there was a huge flashing sign at one point screaming hypocrite in my head at the time. Just for a second. After all, I was with Jane sooooo many times last year as she cried over things her Mum had said or done last year.

Then today, after spending all yesterday crying my eyes out and going to bed early because I was emotionally spent, I got sent this message from a girl who is normally one of the nicest girls in the world and I’ve only ever heard her get agry once before in my life (which was actually a couple of months back about the whole Jane subject again).

“I really didn’t like wat u did to *Jane* yesterday…sayin goodbye to everyone and huggin them and just giving her a look and leaving, that was just low man! I no ur trying 2 keep UR word, but at the funeral of one of her closest friends… i was disapointed man. And it isnt just me who thinks this, every1 ther was watching u wen u wer leaving 2 c if u would stop being stubborn and hav a heart and just hug her and talk 2 her. It was a cold act.”

That was just as harsh to receive. And I was willing to take that one silently as well… but after a while I ended up sending a reply. I couldn’t help it. I just needed to reply…

“Jordan I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I really don’t. I want to check up on her all the time but I can’t because talking to her again makes it worse for her. She detagged herself from all the photos on facebook so she wouldn’t get notifications anymore and said tht it hurt too much to be reminded of the old times. So I thought if that was what she wated I wouldn’t bring up old memories. Curtis diesd and I thought I’d break that rule and call her – despite what I thought was right. Because he died and I couldn’t not cal her. You KNEW I wanted to but didn’t think I could. I did in the end and Emily told me on Sunday that apparently *jane* was angry after that and was frustrated at why now. So I figured she wouldn’t want me to do that again at the funeral. So I didn’t. I said cya to her and that was it. I didn’t want to make it harder for her. But I just don’t know what to do alright? I really just don’t.”

Then she replied to that somewhat more calm and told me that Emily was wrong and that Jane did in fact still want me to talk to her and that she has said that on countless occasions. Just before I’d written a reply and Jordan had responded, I also received a facebook message from someone I really wasn’t expecting to hear from. She’s friends with Jane and she was the one I mentioned a loooooooong time ago when I first wrote about Jane getting into trouble with the paint incident at school. She’s really nice and extremely philosophical, political and hippy. She wrote me this:

“Hi,
I’ve heard that you’ve received some fairly nasty messages since yesterday. I don’t want to have a go at you because I think its unnecessary to create an even bigger issue out of all this, especially given current circumstances. I just wanted to say that Curtis’ death has been extremely difficult for some of us, including Ash. It might not be to late to tell her that you’re sorry for blanking her yesterday. 
If there’s anything I’ve learnt from Curtis’ death its that you don’t want to do anything that you might regret, you don’t want to be the cause of anybody’s hurt and you do want to use this life to do the right things by everyone you associate with. 
I know that there are reasons behind why you aren’t talking to Ash, I don’t really care what they are. All I know is that its hurting her so much and I think you have the ability to make it a little bit better for her… if its not to late. 
I ask you please, to put behind you all that crap from all those months ago, talk to her- do it because you’re alive and you may have the opportunity to make someone’s life a little easier… do it because we all deserve forgiveness. Do it because in the light of death every other issue seems so insignificant and the only thing we should embrace, as people who still have life left in this world, is compassion. 
I realize that we don’t really know each other and you probably don’t give a crap about what I have to say, but please consider it.”

It’s funny because, out of all the people that should sway my decision, it should have been Karen because I used to love her so much and I actually really missed her after I stopped talking to Jane, or Jordan seeing as how she is so nice and everything, but Sasha’s was really the one that got through to me the most. I don’t know why…. yet I still can’t bring myself to change things. Maybe I will talk to Jane and end all this shit. I dunno. I’m not really sure of anything.

I know throughout these last couple of shitty weeks I’ve been wishing that Dom was here. Not because I want him in a romantic sense as such, but just because we used to be good friends, ad he would know what I was talking about when I said any of this stuff and I can’t really talk about any of this to anyone else. I dunno. I just miss him I guess. He gets back this saturday, but I don’t think he really wants to see me. We’ve been fighting for the last couple of weeks and he didn’t even tell me when he was coming home until I had repeatedly asked him. I want to go see him at the airport, but at the same time his ex girlfriend (my close friend and the girl that had the big problem with us being friends… I think I nicknamed her Mel once upon a time?) will be there to pick him up as well and it would take some explaining for her to see why I also wanted to go pick him up. It’s still a sore point for her and I can see that very obviously the few times that it comes up between us. Owell. I guess I’ll figure it out… xx

September 22, 2009 Posted by | death, disapointment, emotions, experiences, friends, moods, Personal | Leave a comment

Horrible days with deceptive smiles.

Well today i the funeral for Curtis. What a lovely start to the day. I hate this sort of thing.

I also have two assignments due which I haven’t even started. Another lovely fact for the day.

Yes indeed – today is going to be a fabulous day.

September 21, 2009 Posted by | death, just a quick note, university | Leave a comment

Quote of the Week #17


“Do not seek death. Death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.”

– Dag Hammarskojold

 

I think it’s pretty obvious why I chose this quote this week. “Death will find you”…. I guess it’s true. After all Curtis was only walking to the toilet. Such a simple everyday ordinary act and yet it claimed his life in the end. So cherish everyday and everyone, and never leave things on a bad note, because you never know when it might be the last time you see that person or what cruel tricks fate may want to play. Take life as it comes and life it for all you can. 

September 17, 2009 Posted by | death, life, Quote of the Week, Quotes by People, Sayings | 2 Comments