…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

The End.

Well it’s finally official.

Due to the recent events with Dom and us going our separate ways, I’ve decided to move blog again. It’s not so much about the anonymity anymore, but because Dom and his friend both knew this site and read it on occasion, and I don’t want Dom to be able to read my overly emotional crap while I’m trying to move on and get over him.

Call it girly, call it weak, call it whatever. I’m taking it elsewhere.

This blog had a good run anyway. It just passed one year since it was begun, and in that time I’ve had close on 159, 517 views by people. Not bad in my books.

But now it’s time to move on.
I really don’t want to. But I know I need to.

…I can’t do this anymore… 
 

.
I feel that when I’m old, I’ll look at you and know
, the world was beautiful.
Then you tell me…
You say that love goes anywhere
. In your darkest time, it’s just enough to know it’s there
. When you go, I’ll let you be
,
but you’re killing everything in me
I’m done, there’s nothing left to show

I try but can’t let it go.

.


When you’re too in love to let it go, but if you never try, you’ll never know,

just what you’re worth…

.

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July 27, 2010 Posted by | death, depression, disapointment | Leave a comment

once upon a time…

Effy: From the moment I saw you, I knew it would be the closest I’d get to being… close. I didn’t know what to do with that feeling… happiness.
Freddie: Listen Effy, you are closest –
Effy: But they know now! And they’re hungry, really fucking hungry. Because for as long as I know they’ve been chasing me, and now they’re ready, now they’re strong enough to break through. And I can’t fight them. I used to be able to when I was strong but you’ve made me weak. And now I can’t, I can’t.

July 27, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, happy, life, Quotes by People, skins | Leave a comment

Quote of the Week # 36

“We are able to find everything in our memory, which is like a dispensary or chemical laboratory in which chance steers our hand sometimes to a soothing drug and sometimes to a dangerous poison.”

– Marcel Proust –
 

Yesterday and today I’ve been taking small trips down memory lane. Not necessarily intentional. Small things trigger it. Mostly about Dom. Sometimes about other things that make me laugh.

Yesterday at lunch we were talking about throwing up and I mentioned there was a time that I threw up stomach lining and the other 3 kept saying when that happens you should be worried and going to the doctors. I had to restrain myself after that and just laugh to myself at my foolishness – that night I had been with Phoebe. I’d been really drunk, had a mini break down to her about how I wasn’t good enough for her even after I’d lost my best friend because of something to do with her. Phoebe was supposed to be looking after me. Instead she left and didn’t tell me until later when I texted her. She got Ivan (her bf at the time) to come get her and she left me with some guy I’d met that night who was all to happy to take advantage of me. I ended up phoning my mum to come get me and spent the rest of the night curled around a toilet not throwing up alcohol – just stomach lining.

But I laughed to myself at that because its just another point where I can easily see she didn’t care.

I’ve held her hair while she was sick and I’ve helped her when drunk on countless occasions in highschool. When we went to a festival later on last year I was on exstacy for the first time and even whilst on that I looked after first Kahli whilst she cried, then Phoebe, then Aimee, and then Phoebe again. And when I tried helping Phoebe – when I helped carry her to the first aid tent and sat with her, and finally rang Dom (on his first night back in town) to come get her – she stopped talking to me and got mad at me because I suggested that DOM come get her and the fact that I had his number. So I gave her space and I kept my distance when he arrived.

I’m sorry I try helping… I really am sometimes.

Anyways.

I had some good memory flash backs too. I was listening to ‘Fix You’ by Coldplay on the bus back from Ha Long Bay the other day and I now think I can pinpoint my single happiest memory out of all the time that I’ve known Dom. It was standing with him in the crowd in the last part of the song where it swells with “tears stream…”. The coloured butterflies were streaming from the roof and floatng down as they played. And I think it is the single most magical moment of my life. I just remember feeling that and looking at Dom. That shared feeling of amazement…. I also had a strong desire to kiss him and secretely wished he would.

But it was just that one amazing moment and looking into his eyes….

… It beats every other memory. Even the ones of times we were actually together….

July 17, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, emotions, love, Quote of the Week, Quotes by People | Leave a comment

FUCK Twilight’s Eclipse and it’s Parrallels

Tonight we went to see the Twilght Saga’s third movie ‘Eclipse’.

Now I’m fairly impartial to the series and admittedly I read all the books super fast because at the time I really like them. I don’t mind the series at all and I’ve watched the first movie a ridiculous amount of times, however the last movie and this one (under a new director) really just don’t do it for me.

But watching it TONIGHT in particular, it really didn’t. I found myself wanting to scream at the screen whilst simultaneously wanting to shout at Dom afterwards as well. I actually had to restrain myself from getting up and walking out of the cinema at a couple of points, and I did so because I didn’t want to make a scene. Instead I had to be content with my effort not to cry, looking away at the glaring “EXIT” sign and pulling the top of my coke can apart. Its because of these recent few days, and everything which has come up as a result, that made me see it in a different light.

Here’s the thing with this movie: Bella loves Edward and has promised him a future. But she fucks Jacob over as well because she tries to “protect” him by lying (stupid lying cheating whore) and giving him false hope. And watching it this time round that struck too close to home.

Sound familiar at all to you?

Afterwards Kristie and I casually said in the book you naturally love and pick Edward, but in the movies, you would sooooooo totally pick Jacob because damnnnn he is FINE! Dom piped in at this point saying no way, Edward is way better, and Jacob is all whiney and a douche. He also added it was because Edward was willing to sacrifice everything for her whereas Jacob wasn’t prepared to sacrifice anything.

I wanted to argue that that was crap – Edward says that he’ll sacrifice anything and everything but it’s easy to say that when you know you won’t have to because you KNOW you’ve already got the girl – that they’re YOURS. Jacob on the other hand doesn’t have that, but he fights for her. He fights for THEM together, hoping like hell he could be enough to win her over and keep her. He gets so close only to have her turn away again because Edward comes back and says I want you again. Jacob will ALWAYS feel like the second choice because he IS the second choice but at least he fights for her. At least he tried his hardest and he gave her everything he has. Even when they were really close she was using him. And she constantly treats him like shit. Even after she lies to him like a whore and gives him false hope to “protect” him, and he finds out that, he still holds out for her:

Bella: “You know I love you.”
Jacob: “You know how much I wish it was enough.”
Bella: “Should I come back?”
Jacob: “I need some time… But I’ll always be waiting.”
Bella: *laughs quietly and whispers* “Until my heart stops beating.”
Jacob: *pauses* “Maybe even then.”

So yeah, totally shame on Jacob Black for HOPING and wishing like hell that she can actually learn to appreciate him. That she will one day choose him instead of the guy that leaves her and then comes back into her life only to be overly jealous of the other person she’s become close to – in the book Esward even tries to stop her seeing Jacob.

Once again I can just find so many parallels. Even if it is in the pathetic stories of the overly moody Edward, Bella and Jacob of Twilight.

And if u don’t like Twilight you can kiss my ass. I’m not a die hard fan, I just know when something makes me feel uncomfortable at how similar it is to aspects of my life.

Now by this stage its probably pretty obvious who I see myself as in this scenario. and no, its NOT Bella. They have their triangle and I have my triangle.

The only brightside is that eventually Jacob imprints (finds THE one for him/soul mate). I’m choosing to ignore the fact that its Edward and Bella’s kid that he imprints on, because to parallel that in MY life that would be fucking disturbing… But maybe that means if THEY end up together, I get to find someone who will blow my mind away and that I’LL be happy with.

And yes I’m well aware of the fact that writing about my “teen dramas” in my love life through the use of Twilight takes this post to a whole new level of super gay angst, but I’ve had roughly two and a half hours of DISTURBED sleep and I’m beyond caring.
So deal with it.

July 12, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, epiphany, friends, love, moods, movies, observation, Personal | Leave a comment

Quote of the week # 35

“Love grows where trust is laid, and love dies where trust is betrayed.”

– unknown –


“Happiness serves hardly any other purpose than to make unhappiness possible.”

– Marcel Proust –

July 9, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, experiences, life, love, moods, observation | Leave a comment

Premature quote of the week?

“Life’s a bitch. Then you die.”


I can’t get anything right.

 Apologies.


And now I have a headache and I’m dehydrated.
Sick..

 


That’s all.

June 17, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, Quote of the Week | Leave a comment

It’s Over. (in a manner of speaking)

Now it’s time to move on. Don’t you know that things aren’t getting better.

Don’t try and stop me
Because I’m falling fast into this pit of fire which surrounds us all.
In a blanket of fear that I’ve been wrapped in for years.
You can’t stop me.

When the world caves in what are you going to do for me?



My friend Erin posted this pic on her blog tonight. We decided that just coincidentally we’re on the same page in life. Both hating on it and both sick of all the shit. Tonight I decided to remove my group of friends from my facebook account. They’re the girls that I went through all of highschool with and who have decided that in my time of need, they can’t stand the thought of me and want to take Phoebe’s side. That’s their choice I suppose. People have been telling me that  I don’t need them as friends and that I’d be better off without them… but I can’t seem to let go of it.

Tonight is the closest I’ve gotten to letting go.

I didn’t remove them out of spite, or some kind of unwarranted revenge. It was because I logged onto facebook and the vast majority of my feeder was filled with photos of them being drunk and happy… and skinny and looking pretty and happy. It just made me feel like shit – fat, ugly and depressed (whilst eating my chocolate). The thing that gets me the most is they were all telling me how bad everything right now and how they’re all badly affected by what I’ve done because it’s hurt Phoebe so much and them by connection, and yet their lives don’t have seemed to have stopped at all. the only difference to before seems to be that I’m not in it.

Correction: I’m not allowed to be in it.

I was hardly in it before but now I’m just really not. And seeing all those pictures just makes me even more depressed at the fact that at the moment I just don’t feel like I can do that. I’m not drinking anymore (basically at all), I despise the thought of going out clubbing and having guys look at me or touch me, and I just can’t seem to be lively like they all seem to be. I just can’t do it at the moment. And seeing them all so happy while I’m like this and knowing that they don’t even give a shit about it or me, well I guess that hurts. I don’t want to see those photos anymore. So I sent them a message saying I was removing them all from my friends because it hurts too much and that if they ever want to be my friend again then they can add me and I’ll take that as a sign.

It was probably a mistake and the nail in my coffin. They now have no more reminders that I exist and used to be friends with them. No more contact directly or indirectly at all. All I can do is hope that one day they’ll remember me. In the mean time I need to forget. Forget it all.

It was a good day, but tonight is just one of those nights where I want to go to sleep and live in my dreams instead of reality. It’s one of those times where i just want to go to sleep and not wake to face this again, and one of those times when I just can’t stand living in this godforsaken town. I want out. And I want it now.

(at least Dom is having a good time. He emailed me just then and things are looking up. I think I’m trying to be happy and live vicariously through him… I’m hoping there’s a lot more to come. I want him to be happy.)

May 30, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, emotions, friends, life | 4 Comments