…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

insomnia

Things are spinning and spinning in my head.

I’m angry.
I’m frustrated.
I’m determined.

I want to lay waste to the world.

Be reckless and go crazy.
Show them all. Make them feel.
Defiance. Prove it to them. Stick it to them.

I’m not forgetable.
Not like that.

Reckless fun.
That’ll be me.

… Lay waste to the world…

July 3, 2010 Posted by | drunk/drinking, emotions, friends, Going Out on the Town, life, moods, Personal, sleep | Leave a comment

Whatever.

So yesterday was stressful. Resulted in me snapping at Erin a couple of times when she was distracting me from study. Then I did my final exam (for the moment) for which I was totally unprepared and had to wing for half of it with some bullshit that I didn’t know and made up. Overall, pretty crap exam. And you know how usually you get so excited and overjoyed at the fact that you’ve finally finished? Yeah, none of that for me. Because I still had two assignments to do and during the holidays, another exam to study for. Fucking ace hey -_-

Anyways, so I came back to college and ended up wasting pretty much the rest of the day before sitting in Erin’s room as more and more people piled in for pre drinks… and steadily drank. Had an interesting conversation with her friend who is a quarter Vietnamese, a quarter French, and half Lebanese… but was brought up in Switzerland… Interesting mix no? So he spoke french as his first language, arabic as his second and english as his third. His friend was also Swiss (but raised here) and was one of those really macho with HUGE guns guys that was totally overcompensating for the fact that he was going to be gay. Or in the very least bisexual. I think he is just going to be gay, but Erin seems to think my gaydar is broken… Problem is, at this age, you can’t really prove that it’s correct, because not that many guys come out of the closet this early.

Anyways that was pretty good and then they all left to go out of the town (something I could be fucked doing because I was going to do my assignment… which I didn’t end up doing but whatever). I got a call about an hour or so later from a extremely drunk and crying Erin asking me to come pick her up, so I did seeing as she was walking home alone back to college after being kicked out from where they were. So I got her upstairs (which was surprisingly easy for once) and then got her in to bed (which was somewhat harder, but for once she actually stayed there, thank goodness). This was, of course, only after she had had her really weird drunken non sensical conversations to 4 other people who were stone sober. One of those sober people was smart enough to get photographic evidence of her. Thank you charles.

After that it sort of started to go down hill. Sort of like a snowy mountain and how the small snowball you drop becomes the huge ass problem as it gathers enough  speed size and momentum rolling down the hill that it just covers an entire house when it finally crashes? Only problem with that analogy is that I don’t know if it’s crashed yet or if it’s still rolling…

I mean yes, I had an emotional night last night and I didn’t end up so well (obviously, given my last post). But I don’t know if that was supposed to be carried over to today. Sort of seems like it has been which I didn’t really expect. I thought there’d just be a reply and that’d be it. Problem is without the reply now, I’m sort of hesitant to book a ticket to Vietnam as planned… which is funny considering everything was so darn sure last week, and this week has just been… well a shambles really.

Maybe it’s exam stress getting to me, maybe it’s my attempt to change sleeping patterns (which was going very well until last night/today) and being tired, or maybe it’s just a plain bad week. I tend to think it’s a combination of all of them really. Because in the last two weeks I’ve been feeling fine and cruisey but at the same time business like, but the key part is, I haven’t been overly emotional. I think I shed a mere one tear and that was it…. so much for that.

I’m better tonight though… well in a manner of speaking: Instead of being emotional and upset I’m sort of more annoyed than anything. Not so much as a result of last night (which I am still freaking confused about) but because of tonight.

*omg I just lost the rest of this post because the internet fucked up. Life hates me*

Basically, tonight we had pre drinks again in Erin’s room but with less people and it was a whole lot less fun. Two girls got REALLY drunk in comparison to the others and one is a really annoying drunk (which I fucking hate when I’m not drunk as well). I ended up driving them to the pub on the proviso that if she got rejected or kicked out she would catch a cab back and not walk (or call me). Turns out, after I got home and finally started my nap, I got called up again by another girl at college asking me to come pick up on of the other girls because she was trashed and had been kicked out. 

So back I went, like the freaking nanny that I seem to be at the moment, and then got her back to college and into bed – with a number of stops along the way so she could decide if she wanted to vomit some more. Charming. I assure you. Then I went back to having my nap only to be woken up yet again

Our floor is supposed to have only 3 of us left at the moment because everyone else has moved out. Not a problem. Except I was woken up at 3am by college people (who don’t even live in this area) standing in the hallway right outside my door talking and laughing loudly. Usually I’d been fine about it, because let’s face it, I’d probably still be up. But no. Not cool. So I dragged myself out of bed, got semi dressed, opened the door, did a I’m still half asleep glare and said, not aggressively but just exhaustedly, “Guys, fuck off… Like usually it wouldn’t be a problem but this area is supposed to be deserted and you’ve been making noise all night down stairs…. So just, leave this area.”

I guess because I look pretty scary when I wake up normally, and this was a time when I’d be disturbed and sleep deprived, I must have looked kinda scary standing in my doorway like that. Plus I’m a year older than them in terms of college and uni, and I was too tired to take the polite way out so I was just straight to the point and frank. They all apologised with horrified looks on their faces and bailed pretty quick as far as I’m aware.

I don’t like to be woken unexpectedly. 

When people disturb and wake me unexpectedly, that’s probably my meanest times. I get damn well grouchy. Grouchier than if I was sleep and food deprived for 3 days straight. You don’t mess with me when I’m woken in the middle of sleep. I always felt sorry for my Mum in that respect.

Anyway, that’s the short of it. 

There’s only two other pieces of news – both shit of course.

The other day I went back to Mum’s house and sitting in my bookshelf I found an old book I was given by Mel, one of the girls that recently decided they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. She wrote it for me in the summer holidays before year 11 and gave it to me on my 16th birthday: ‘The Life Stories of [me] and Melanie’. It was our joke because when we wrote each other emails or talked on the phone we would ramble a lot and I would always say at the end of really long ones, “and that’s my life story”. So she wrote down a whole bunch of memories and random crap in there and gave it to me. There was a page though which had her thoughts about life on it. And I wish I’d copied it out now, but there was a part that was something along the lines of Sometimes you just can’t help the way you feel. Sometimes you make mistakes in life. Sometimes they’re big and there’s nothing you can do about them, but learn from them and try to move on. I found it kind of ironic to read something that applied so well to the current situation – something that she hadn’t been able to see or move past. So i wrote a note on the back of a picture of her and me saying that she was wiser than she realised and she wasn’t even 16 at the time.

I put in a couple more photos marking a page where she described my character and a page where she described a time we had bonded over breaking up with boyfriends in year 10 haha. Then I put it into a bag with a note saying that it was about time I gave the book back to her because she seemed to need it more than I did. That I still remembered the way we were and everything used to be. That she’d said she didn’t know who I was anymore, and I said that I was still exactly the same person that she wrote about in the book, just that I was a few years older and had a few more mistakes to account for. Then I wished her good luck with everything and said that she would be great one day.

I did all of that about 2 weeks ago and put off sending it to her because I didn’t know if I’d regret it and I thought she was on the verge of maybe wanting to try get past all this shit and talk to me again. Turns out she wasn’t and I don’t… well not really. I can’t decide if I ended up doing it because I was in a bad mood thanks to my mother and exam stress, or if it was just another part of purging all that shit from my life made bolder by my mood at the time. I dunno. Whatever it was, it’s done. It was two days ago and I still haven’t heard from her…. Soooo maybe she just doesn’t care? Or maybe I hurt her? Or maybe she’s just not home at the moment. I don’t know.

And the final last bit of news:

I dropped a unit.

I went to the arts faculty advisor today to clear up some things with her about my special consideration today. Turns out she suggested that I drop one of my politics units  – which she would do for me without academic or financial penalty because of the special consideration – and that way I wouldn’t have to do one of the assignments I was supposed to do tonight and crash and burn trying to do both. So I withdrew from that unit. Turns out that I really just don’t have any where enough motivation at the moment to be able to do five subjects… I don’t really have any motivation for anything at the moment. I decided the other day that I jut don’t have anything to focus on at the moment. I’m drifting so aimlessly. It’s horrifyingly stupid and I can’t stand it.

Next semester I think I’m either only going to do just 3 subjects or 4 at the very most. That way I can focus on those ones and I can work more to get money to bail on this place as soon as the semester is over.

I guess on the bright side at least now I only have one exam to focus on for my deferred examinations at the beginning of next semester. Which means less stress. And the assignments I handed in late anywhere between 3 to 5 weeks, won’t be penalised (well, one is, because I agreed with that tutor yesterday that he just wouldn’t fail me providing it was an alright essay – so the faculty advisor didn’t try to change what I’d already agreed to. I was supposed to lose 50% though so it’s still a good deal).

But it is another set back on finishing university and getting out of here. Which is fucking annoying.

Owell. Whatever.

I’ve got to do this darn essay and then move out of college. Fuck I want sleep. And answers. And money to travel.

Get me out of here.

June 18, 2010 Posted by | bored, Choices, college, confusing!!, drunk/drinking, friends, just a quick note, life, university | 3 Comments

Shout out to The Doors


Ok so last night I decided to watch the movie ‘The Doors’ starring Val Kilmer, Meg Ryan and Kyle MacLachlan. I’d heard about it before and been told it was really good, so on Thursday when I went to the video store to get out ‘A Street Car Named Desire‘ and ‘In Cold Blood‘ for university, I nabbed The Doors as well.

Val Kilmer actually has an uncanny resemblence to Jim Morrison (left: the movie poster featuring Val Kilmer), although that’s probably more to do with the hair and the jaw structure than anything else, and he does an extremely good job in the role.

Along side him was Meg Ryan, which was a great suprise to me, because of all the female actresses I could think of for the part of Pam, there’s no way she would have even come close to the top of that list. No way. I’m still not sure I liked her for the part. I think it’s her voice that had me iffy about it (as strange as that may sound). But watching the movie, I couldn’t believe some of the things she was put through. I had no idea she even existed (below right: the real Pam Courson and Jim Morrison – she’s fucking gorgeous), but more to the point, some of the things that happened were just plain crazy!

[NOTE: the following are spoilers, so if you plan on watching it (which you should) then don’t read the following]

For example there’s a thanksgiving scene in which Jim and Pam are supposed to be hosting the party, but they both take acid, so they’re completely tripping. Jim comes out with the “roast” duck which is charred black. Pam gets really upset when she sees that Jim’s “mistress” came to the party and they start to have a fight and get pulled apart. Then Pam sees the duck and continues to go off her head at Jim screaming that he killed her duck. Their fight escalates until there’s a knife involved and they’re both threatening each other. Jim puts the knife in her hand kneels before her and pulls his shirt open and they stand there for a minute yelling at each other with knife still held above him. Then they realise they love each other sooooo much blah blah blah and they’re just high. Everyone leaves at that point rather than put up with anymore of their craziness.

There’s a couple of threatened deaths throughout it. Jim threatens to jump out windows/off building ledges outside windows a couple of times and Pam has to climb out for him. He also has another fight with her which results in her locked in the cupboard and him setting it on fire before bailing. She gets out and they get back together a while later. They were both outrageously high in basically all of these scenes though. Both drug addicts obviously.

There’s another really weird scene which was the one I was originally told about and why it was recommended to me – to see the drug tripping scene in the desert  – the Peyote scene. True to form, it was crazy, but not quite as crazy as I was expecting I guess. Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely worth watching for that like 2 minutes of them just completely tripping out. (click on the link to the youtube video and skip forward to 1.30 mins. And the best parts end around 4.20 mins)

The amount of drugs they took though, I honestly just don’t know how the fuck they managed to stay alive (for as long as they did). I really really don’t. It was inevitable that he was going to die, but I just don’t know how he survived as long as he did. He had one fucked up drug fueled lifestyle – that is for sure.

Still, if I’d been alive at the time, I have no doubt I would have joined them, and no doubt that I would have thrown myself at him aswell – he was fucking sexy. You can’t deny it:

Then again, he makes long hair look fucking good, and his jaw line is pure drool-worthy! I have loved this picture of him for sooooooo long. And who could resist his singing and lyrics? Sometimes they’re completely wacked up, but who gives? I don’t know why but I’ve always thought guys from that era were kind of good looking. Weird huh. 

But anyways back to the movie: they managed to get a lot of historical events which was awesome – a lot of the crazy things that he did on stage was put into the film (as it should be). For example to the left is the real picture of Jim at one of the concerts they performed and it’s portrayed in the movie – with him falling in exactly the same position and wearing exactly the same clothing. He had been sprayed in the eye with pepper spray by the cops right before that concert, was so high that it was surprising he didn’t have a heart attack right there and then on stage. He was arrested halfway through that concert and never finished it. 

And without further adue, seeing as I’ve delayed it so far, here’s the actual trailer for the movie:

I remember the first time I heard the doors, it was at my Dad’s house. I guess he liked them all along, but he went through a phase of really liking them and just leaving the dvd of the different concerts on play permanently. He’d get the hue speakers connected up and blasting as he went around the house doing things. Maybe that’s why I originally thought the doors were so cool, but then I actually did grow to love them. So much. Now they’re one of my favourite bands of all time… and like all good bands, sadly, one of the members had to die – it’s pretty much the rule.

Lets face it: they were fucking legends.

Don’t try denying it.

It won’t work.


SIDE NOTE: I was disgusted to find in my youtube search for the thanksgiving scene that one of the results that came up as a listed match for my search of ‘the doors movie scene death’, was a video bout Edward Cullen from Twilight entitled ‘Eyes, Arms .. and you Lips || Edward’ POV’. I was positively horrified. And to top it off, it was a stupid and pathetic fan made video by some peanut sized brain swoony chit. SHAME ON YOU YOUTUBE!

March 27, 2010 Posted by | drugs, drunk/drinking, Film Review, just a quick note, just for shits and giggles, movie review, movies, photography, youtube stuff | Leave a comment

Quote of the Week #23

Instead of my traditional styled Quote of the Week, this time I went for a little bit of photo editing to create a quote of the week picture! That’s right people, get excited! 

It’s a Jim Morrison quote about his hair. He has some damn trippy quotes and this is just one of the funny ones (one of my other favourites is: “Actually I don’t remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.“) And on another quicker note, just to add to this blog seeing as I seem obsessed at the moment, while I was searching through photos of Jim Morrison on Google, I managed to find this one below (which is epically awesome). It was created by a fan recently quite obviously, but it is creative and I gotta give them a kudos for the effort, after all it does match up perfectly.

And now it’s time for another ‘Quote of the Week’ first – it’s going to be accompanied by the tune of the week. The easy listening track to accompany the quote. In this case it is, of course, by The Doors (get over it, I love them). This is the song that is now getting repeatedly stuck in my head simply because it’s so catchy and happy. Of course, there are others just as catchy and happy such as ‘Love her madly’ and ‘Break on Through’, but I’ve over played them so much it’s not funny – time for something different! LEARN TO LOVE IT! (and please excuse the shitty graphics on this vid, but it has good sound, which is what matters)

Love Street

March 27, 2010 Posted by | awesomeness, drugs, drunk/drinking, Quote of the Week, Quotes by People, youtube stuff | Leave a comment

New Years Eve 09/10

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Well the night didn’t start off as anything very exciting… We had to wait for almost an hour while Petia and Sigrid got ready – mean while I’m starving my arse off!

But eventually we went and got spring rolls and a drink at an absolutely deserted place. Then we headed to the Riverside Restaurant, which while having los of people there, wasn’t very exciting and was over priced.

So we moved on to Chivas Shack for the $1.75 cocktails. I skipped out on that round and instead went in search of a joint. A couple of streets over I found the place I’d been told I could one from, The Red Fox. I was denied at first because I didn’t want to buy a drink – just a joint. So I sat and talked to a 60 or 70 year old guy who was completely and utterly baked. He managed to score me a joint when he went to get another one with a beer. So I said thanks and left him.

Then I went back to Chivas – just in time to be introduced to the new guy in the group as Mum’s “weed child”. So I sat their smoking and everyone else drank until finally Mum turned to me and said, “So are you going to share that or what?!?” So then everyone shared it – including my now stiff uptight and prudish mother who previously used to smoke back in the 60’s and 70’s. Turns out the newcomer was actually a guy who did some teaching at Mum’s school, which freaked me out quite a bit seeing as she’d just introduced her child as a pot head to a colleague more or less.

He told us the place to be was definitely the Foreign Correspondents Club (FCC). It’s normally really busy there, but it was packed for new years. It was awesome as we were told it would be. We only just made it to the top floor as the countdown started, and we were standing on top of tables on the balcony trying to see the fireworks down riverside when the clock finally ticked over. It was pretty cool… Although it didn’t seem like such a great place when we learnt that seeing as it had been so busy, they were out of pretty much all the alcohol. So, we had a choice of mojitos or bourbon or beer. Seeing I hate bourbon and not the biggest fan of beer, I was mojitos all the way!

Mum had left by this stage and there were only five of us left including Mum’s colleague (who it turns out was only 22 when I thought he was way closer to 30). So we went to get some “happy pizza” and then after another two group joints, we headed off to this club called ‘The Heart of Darkness’ that Daniel (Mum’s colleague) knew about.

You could just walk through the door of that place and it was like a wave of disgust washed over you as soon as you looked around. It was honestly the seediest place I’ve ever seen or been to. It was absolutely horrible and disgusting. There were so many prostitutes in that place that you couldn’t walk more than a step without being surrounded by them. And to match that fact, there were a large amount of seedy old westerner men there checking out every girl with beady perverted eyes and chatting up girls who looked like they were around 15.

Horrible place and I’d never recommend it ever. It had a cool symbol for the logo though. And it’s probably going to be the only club you’ll ever see where they have traditional religious statues inside the club while it still acting in full swing as a raging whoring club.

Overall a good night, although I went home early at around 2.30ish. I wasn’t much in the mood for partying without friends, because I was tired, and because I’d had to sort out the fight with Dom over the phone as well before midnight. I didn’t still want to be in the middle of a fight when the clock ticked over and I was already so emotionally exhausted from all of that.

Anyways. That’s about it for the moment I guess.

January 1, 2010 Posted by | Cambodia/Vietnam Trip, Celebrations, drugs, drunk/drinking, experiences, Travel | 5 Comments

The Hangover

Okay, so I think I finally know what it’s like to have a full blown and horrible hang over – and it’s a bitch.

Went out with one of he managers from work last night because he hadn’t been out all weekend and was in need of some alcohol. So we went to this classy little bar not too far from where he lives. He opened a tab at the bar and kept the drinks coming all night. We were there from around 7.30 until they closed at 11pm. In that time I’m not sure how many cocktails I consumed, but it must have been a fuckload. By the end of the night, between the two of us, we had racked up a $366 tab to pay (which of course he insisted on paying). That was for all our drinks, about $50 of food (which was only two plates) and a couple of drinks he bought for a girl in the group that we randomly joined mid way through the night.

By the end of it I was supremely smashed and wasn’t walking straight. He dropped me back to my house, which so wouldn’t have been legal, but he was definitely more sober than I was. He’s a big guy – he can handle his drinks a lot better. When I got home my sister was there with her new love interest Andre. I feel so bad now because I would have totally ruined what would have otherwise probably been a good night for them. Now I’m not sure how I managed to convince them that I had to go home to college because I didn’t want to stay at my house. I have a very large suspicion that I may have cried at that point.

Whatever happened, I ended up crying for pretty much the entire car trip and then also when my sister was walking me from the car-park to my room at college. I feel so bad for her now. Andre probably thinks I’m so psycho-daisy-may that was having an exorcism performed on her in the back of the car or something. Probably put him right off coming to our house again. Apparently I introduced myself to him four times though, so at least he knows who I am.

I haven’t really talked to my sister since last night except for one text message saying “Do you remember anything from last night?” Although I think she’s probably pissed at me for ruining their night and for being a horrible representation of the family. I want to find out from her what I was saying whilst crying/if I said anything. I’m pretty sure I know what it was about. It’s always about the boys isn’t it. You can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them.

Anyways I got home and got to bed. This morning I woke at some ridiculously early hour with a positively banging headache and feeling queasy. After much tossing and turning, I decided it was the best idea to try and get rid of the contents of my stomach and did so gladly. I swear there were  things in there I wasn’t aware I had even consumed. It was there that I found my ring next to the toilet. I have absolutely no idea how it got there, as I have no recollection of throwing us last night and there’s no yack to be found anywhere in either my room or the bathroom. I still havent found my necklace, which I’m quite worried about actually. It;s a very expensive chain with antique pendants on it from my mum, dad, one from paris, thailand and one given to me by neighbours. So I really want to find that badly.

In the mean time I get to enjoy this lovely hangover and appreciate why it is people who feel like this say that hangovers make them want to die. It’s horrible. The only other times on memory that I have been like this was firstly after getting way to drunk from goon at the Arts sundowner at uni; and secondly after I got absolutely smashed with everyone from work and we all know how bad that one ended – I kissed a practically married man (my boss). So it’s not really great for me.

*added after posting* I just checked my emails to find one from Dom telling me to re read my email that I’d sent and to send it again when I was sober. At first I laughed because up until that point I thought I’d gotten away with not drunk emailing (as opposed to drunk texting), because I have absolutely no memory at all of sending it. So I was astounded (and sort of impressed) at the fact that I had somehow been able to turn on the computer and navigate my way to hotmail. Then I laughed even more when I read it:

” \us rharb honesslt ehat u eahnt> coz i woukd fucjin be yrs if u onlu askws u it….”

I mean seriously, kudos to me for getting some semblance of english out at the end there, but the beginning part is just plain gibberish to me. I laughed quite hard at first, then the reality hit me that I had to try and explain it. So a decent sized email back to Dom quickly followed saying sorry and explaining the truth about it. That was fun. But hey at least I’m being honest right?

August 3, 2009 Posted by | drunk/drinking, idiotic, life, love | Leave a comment