…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

Quote of the Week # 36

“We are able to find everything in our memory, which is like a dispensary or chemical laboratory in which chance steers our hand sometimes to a soothing drug and sometimes to a dangerous poison.”

– Marcel Proust –
 

Yesterday and today I’ve been taking small trips down memory lane. Not necessarily intentional. Small things trigger it. Mostly about Dom. Sometimes about other things that make me laugh.

Yesterday at lunch we were talking about throwing up and I mentioned there was a time that I threw up stomach lining and the other 3 kept saying when that happens you should be worried and going to the doctors. I had to restrain myself after that and just laugh to myself at my foolishness – that night I had been with Phoebe. I’d been really drunk, had a mini break down to her about how I wasn’t good enough for her even after I’d lost my best friend because of something to do with her. Phoebe was supposed to be looking after me. Instead she left and didn’t tell me until later when I texted her. She got Ivan (her bf at the time) to come get her and she left me with some guy I’d met that night who was all to happy to take advantage of me. I ended up phoning my mum to come get me and spent the rest of the night curled around a toilet not throwing up alcohol – just stomach lining.

But I laughed to myself at that because its just another point where I can easily see she didn’t care.

I’ve held her hair while she was sick and I’ve helped her when drunk on countless occasions in highschool. When we went to a festival later on last year I was on exstacy for the first time and even whilst on that I looked after first Kahli whilst she cried, then Phoebe, then Aimee, and then Phoebe again. And when I tried helping Phoebe – when I helped carry her to the first aid tent and sat with her, and finally rang Dom (on his first night back in town) to come get her – she stopped talking to me and got mad at me because I suggested that DOM come get her and the fact that I had his number. So I gave her space and I kept my distance when he arrived.

I’m sorry I try helping… I really am sometimes.

Anyways.

I had some good memory flash backs too. I was listening to ‘Fix You’ by Coldplay on the bus back from Ha Long Bay the other day and I now think I can pinpoint my single happiest memory out of all the time that I’ve known Dom. It was standing with him in the crowd in the last part of the song where it swells with “tears stream…”. The coloured butterflies were streaming from the roof and floatng down as they played. And I think it is the single most magical moment of my life. I just remember feeling that and looking at Dom. That shared feeling of amazement…. I also had a strong desire to kiss him and secretely wished he would.

But it was just that one amazing moment and looking into his eyes….

… It beats every other memory. Even the ones of times we were actually together….

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July 17, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, emotions, love, Quote of the Week, Quotes by People | Leave a comment

Fighting + Ha Long Bay + DINGUSSSSS!

I forgot to write about how the other day (Sunday night I’m pretty sure) Dom and I ended up having what started as a simple conversation in bed about what was wrong because something had been off that day, and ended up as a mass scale fight resulting in me getting out of bed and sleeping on the floor. The later scale of the fight was all happening just before and around 3am complete with yelling and everything. Dom losing his patience and temper and me just getting upset, giving up and eventually just telling him that he was always mean and I couldn’t put up with it anymore – because he was and is one of the very few people that I won’t fight with. I just give up to save effort because its honestly just SO exhausting and he’s so stubborn that it never gets anywhere. I also told him that him telling me what I’m doing/saying/acting doesn’t make me see he side or convince me in the slightest to do what he is asking (at the time he was trying to get me back into the bed rather than sleeping on the floor by abusing me and telling me I was being stupid… Ok well the move of sleeping on the floor wasn’t exactly smart but he didn’t make getting back into bed an option with his tone of voice and the things he was saying).

Anyways, we ended up sorting out that little spat. I stopped crying after a bit and he held me until I was calm. I love it when he holds me – and that will be the biggest thing I miss at night time. I can forgo the sex easily. Anyways, I think the result was that I was going to stay and that we wouldn’t be “just friends”, we would be more, but at the same time we wouldn’t be quite what we used to be – we’d never get that back.

Since then Dom has been more “touchy feely” and just doing the simple things like brushing my back or touching my shoulder when we’re sitting down. He doesn’t do those things normally, because he’s really not a touchy feely kind of guy, so I don’t know what changed that. I don’t know if it was the conversation that night or if we’re just getting along better. I honestly don’t know. Maybe it’s that Phoebe and his emails have been going downhill/stopped/hit a brick wall. I honestly don’t know but it makes me soooo happy and allows me to fool myself a lot easier about him still caring for me…. Even if one of the things covered the other night WAS the fact that he does not love me romantically anymore at all – ie he’s not in love with me – but that he loves me as in he cares for me. Sort of like how you can care for and love a best friend I guess. I dunno.

I dunno.

Anyways, yesterday we got up ridiculously early, after basically no sleep the night before because of shitty half sleep dreaming and then my stomach fucking up, as per usual, so I get jittery and can’t sit still. So, I got up and sat in the bathroom eating a cheese sandwich and drinking apple juice whilst listening to my iPod and writing the ‘Eclipse’ episode blog post. With roughly 2 hours of shitty half sleep and half an hour of dozing under my belt, we got up and finished last minute packing to head downstairs for the only free breakfast we’ve actually bothered with at our hotel and waiting for the bus to come collect us for Ha Long Bay. Of course, at just past 6am that morning it had started to fucking PISS down with rain – the day that we decided to travel to Ha Long Bay and beaches.

Sick one Vietnam.

So, when the bus rocked up 50 minutes late, we were escorted to it with many umbrellas dashing backwards and forwards with us, but essentially doing nothing. We crammed in (Dom crammed more so than myself considering I’m smaller and more bendable into weird positions on busses). Thus began our slow journey out of Hanoi where apparently they haven’t discovered the modern wonders of street drains (the streets were fucking flooded – no exaggeration cars were buried in water in some areas and mottos were absolutely useless). A number of hours and many pathetic attempts at little naps later, we arrived at the porting area for the big junker boats that heavily populate Ha Long Bay for tourism.

We sat there for almost an hour while Dingus (the overly cheery and stereotype Asian dorky type tour guide who we quickly nicknamed for his incompetence and pure nerve straining annoyingness) finally managed to secure us a boat – that’s right they don’t actually organise one until you get there despite you being booked into an actual tour group. SO we boarded onto a stupid tiny tin boat that would transport us to where it was anchored a couple of hundred metres away. The shitty little transport was of course broken (like everything else in Vietnam) and the tarp over the side we sat was ripped all the way along. Thanks to that, we continued to be sprinkled with the light rain adding to the ridiculous humidity, and then when we finally reached the boat and thought it was over, it sloshed all the roof water down through the rip and out of the whole row of people it landed on lucky ‘ol me. There’s nothing I don’t love more than some dirty roof water. It’s just sooooooo awesome -_-

But nevertheless, we were on board finally and sailing into the bay amongst the islands. Turns out we were dealt a bad hand for the rooms – both Matt and Kristie, and Dom and I got the shittiest smallest cabins I’m fairly sure. Well, I can safely say, they were definitely nothing like the one I had in February when I was here last time. And to top it off, at this time of the year – the hottest – to save on electricity bills they don’t turn on the aircon until night time, which is most definitely not something they specified before the tour, nor enforced last time in February. Oh and did I mention they turn it off at 5.30 in the morning? So, you get to wake up at 7am or earlier in a sweltering mess of disgusting heat and sweat. They could at least leave it running until 7.30 when we were told we had to be up by for breakfast. DO THE DECENT THING VIETNAM! And to think we paid US$98 for this trip (well US$100 if you count the $2 per person bribe to the bus driver to take us straight to the hotel rather than waiting 2+ hours for the others to get back from hiking).

So, now we’re holed up in our hotel rooms on this god forsaken island acting like the tired and rude westerner tourists that I so hate. But I’m that exhausted and sick of this that I have been reduced to this horrifying behaviour. We even paid an extra US$10 each in order to go to the supposedly “better” hotel. I’m perplexed as to what could possibly be better about this one though – the service is poor, the air con is crap, our room has such a strong musty smell that’s making me have hay fever, and my butt is currently trying to tell me that I’d probably be a lot more comfortable sitting and sleeping on the wooden floor rather than the bed – it’s that shit! I’ll be fucked if I know how I’m going to sleep on it tonight, so here’s to the third night in a row of no/shit sleep.

And I forewent going for the “itinery” specified trip to Monkey Island to sit inside with the blinds drawn and attempt to relax. I’m still yet to see such an itinery, and we were never told that even was one. I know it completely defeats the purpose of being in another country to do this, and paying good money to go on a tour, but I’m that exhausted and fed up that I care very little.

Today at lunch Dom asked Kristie and I if we would enjoy traveling here more if we weren’t with them and their constant pessimism/complaining. I pointed out that there was no way I would even be here if it wasn’t for them – I didn’t come here for the country, I came to see them. That’s it. Because I said to myself after my tour here in Feb that I would be more than happy if I never ever returned to Vietnam. I had made up my mind long ago that I hated this country and it’s people and I warned the boys that it was shit (but they had to experience it for themselves, and now that they have, they completely agree). I mean sure, traveling with these guys makes Vietnam seem that little bit worse, but I don’t care about that because I already hate the country. I travel with them because its them that I love hanging out with – simply sitting there eating a meal is hilarious with them and forcing them to watch shitty movies like Mama Mia becomes comedy central. That’s why I came (and why I’m still here despite everything that has happened.

Anyways, the M&Ms have just run out and Dom has already commented on how freaking long this is twice already. So I shall leave it here for today and maybe see what other shitty McShit movies are on offer at the moment on TV.

I never thought I’d say it, because I hate this country so much, but I can’t wait to get back to Hanoi.

(Although I’d prefer to be in Wanaka at the moment… *sigh* if only)

Xin Chao.

I’m outee for now.

July 14, 2010 Posted by | confusing!!, emotions, experiences, idiotic, love, Personal, Vietnam Trip with the Boys, Vietnam Trip with the Boys | Leave a comment

insomnia

Things are spinning and spinning in my head.

I’m angry.
I’m frustrated.
I’m determined.

I want to lay waste to the world.

Be reckless and go crazy.
Show them all. Make them feel.
Defiance. Prove it to them. Stick it to them.

I’m not forgetable.
Not like that.

Reckless fun.
That’ll be me.

… Lay waste to the world…

July 3, 2010 Posted by | drunk/drinking, emotions, friends, Going Out on the Town, life, moods, Personal, sleep | Leave a comment

a reminder

If I get old remind me of this

                    That night we kissed and I really meant it

                                      Whatever happens if we’re still speaking

Pick up the phone              

Play me this song .
 

..::a.reminder.radiohead::..

June 2, 2010 Posted by | emotions, life, love | 1 Comment

It’s Over. (in a manner of speaking)

Now it’s time to move on. Don’t you know that things aren’t getting better.

Don’t try and stop me
Because I’m falling fast into this pit of fire which surrounds us all.
In a blanket of fear that I’ve been wrapped in for years.
You can’t stop me.

When the world caves in what are you going to do for me?



My friend Erin posted this pic on her blog tonight. We decided that just coincidentally we’re on the same page in life. Both hating on it and both sick of all the shit. Tonight I decided to remove my group of friends from my facebook account. They’re the girls that I went through all of highschool with and who have decided that in my time of need, they can’t stand the thought of me and want to take Phoebe’s side. That’s their choice I suppose. People have been telling me that  I don’t need them as friends and that I’d be better off without them… but I can’t seem to let go of it.

Tonight is the closest I’ve gotten to letting go.

I didn’t remove them out of spite, or some kind of unwarranted revenge. It was because I logged onto facebook and the vast majority of my feeder was filled with photos of them being drunk and happy… and skinny and looking pretty and happy. It just made me feel like shit – fat, ugly and depressed (whilst eating my chocolate). The thing that gets me the most is they were all telling me how bad everything right now and how they’re all badly affected by what I’ve done because it’s hurt Phoebe so much and them by connection, and yet their lives don’t have seemed to have stopped at all. the only difference to before seems to be that I’m not in it.

Correction: I’m not allowed to be in it.

I was hardly in it before but now I’m just really not. And seeing all those pictures just makes me even more depressed at the fact that at the moment I just don’t feel like I can do that. I’m not drinking anymore (basically at all), I despise the thought of going out clubbing and having guys look at me or touch me, and I just can’t seem to be lively like they all seem to be. I just can’t do it at the moment. And seeing them all so happy while I’m like this and knowing that they don’t even give a shit about it or me, well I guess that hurts. I don’t want to see those photos anymore. So I sent them a message saying I was removing them all from my friends because it hurts too much and that if they ever want to be my friend again then they can add me and I’ll take that as a sign.

It was probably a mistake and the nail in my coffin. They now have no more reminders that I exist and used to be friends with them. No more contact directly or indirectly at all. All I can do is hope that one day they’ll remember me. In the mean time I need to forget. Forget it all.

It was a good day, but tonight is just one of those nights where I want to go to sleep and live in my dreams instead of reality. It’s one of those times where i just want to go to sleep and not wake to face this again, and one of those times when I just can’t stand living in this godforsaken town. I want out. And I want it now.

(at least Dom is having a good time. He emailed me just then and things are looking up. I think I’m trying to be happy and live vicariously through him… I’m hoping there’s a lot more to come. I want him to be happy.)

May 30, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, emotions, friends, life | 4 Comments

I don’t want to.

My beds become so lonely
No arms or sheets to hold me

 

Wake… from your sleep

The drying of your tears

Today we escape, we escape

.

May 29, 2010 Posted by | depression, emotions | Leave a comment

I got a feeling…

I have a feeling that I’m going to look like the fool one of these days not too far away now…

…I just keep telling myself it won’t end up like that, but I’m beginning to think it may be inevitable…

May 24, 2010 Posted by | emotions, moods, Personal | Leave a comment