…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

FUCK Twilight’s Eclipse and it’s Parrallels

Tonight we went to see the Twilght Saga’s third movie ‘Eclipse’.

Now I’m fairly impartial to the series and admittedly I read all the books super fast because at the time I really like them. I don’t mind the series at all and I’ve watched the first movie a ridiculous amount of times, however the last movie and this one (under a new director) really just don’t do it for me.

But watching it TONIGHT in particular, it really didn’t. I found myself wanting to scream at the screen whilst simultaneously wanting to shout at Dom afterwards as well. I actually had to restrain myself from getting up and walking out of the cinema at a couple of points, and I did so because I didn’t want to make a scene. Instead I had to be content with my effort not to cry, looking away at the glaring “EXIT” sign and pulling the top of my coke can apart. Its because of these recent few days, and everything which has come up as a result, that made me see it in a different light.

Here’s the thing with this movie: Bella loves Edward and has promised him a future. But she fucks Jacob over as well because she tries to “protect” him by lying (stupid lying cheating whore) and giving him false hope. And watching it this time round that struck too close to home.

Sound familiar at all to you?

Afterwards Kristie and I casually said in the book you naturally love and pick Edward, but in the movies, you would sooooooo totally pick Jacob because damnnnn he is FINE! Dom piped in at this point saying no way, Edward is way better, and Jacob is all whiney and a douche. He also added it was because Edward was willing to sacrifice everything for her whereas Jacob wasn’t prepared to sacrifice anything.

I wanted to argue that that was crap – Edward says that he’ll sacrifice anything and everything but it’s easy to say that when you know you won’t have to because you KNOW you’ve already got the girl – that they’re YOURS. Jacob on the other hand doesn’t have that, but he fights for her. He fights for THEM together, hoping like hell he could be enough to win her over and keep her. He gets so close only to have her turn away again because Edward comes back and says I want you again. Jacob will ALWAYS feel like the second choice because he IS the second choice but at least he fights for her. At least he tried his hardest and he gave her everything he has. Even when they were really close she was using him. And she constantly treats him like shit. Even after she lies to him like a whore and gives him false hope to “protect” him, and he finds out that, he still holds out for her:

Bella: “You know I love you.”
Jacob: “You know how much I wish it was enough.”
Bella: “Should I come back?”
Jacob: “I need some time… But I’ll always be waiting.”
Bella: *laughs quietly and whispers* “Until my heart stops beating.”
Jacob: *pauses* “Maybe even then.”

So yeah, totally shame on Jacob Black for HOPING and wishing like hell that she can actually learn to appreciate him. That she will one day choose him instead of the guy that leaves her and then comes back into her life only to be overly jealous of the other person she’s become close to – in the book Esward even tries to stop her seeing Jacob.

Once again I can just find so many parallels. Even if it is in the pathetic stories of the overly moody Edward, Bella and Jacob of Twilight.

And if u don’t like Twilight you can kiss my ass. I’m not a die hard fan, I just know when something makes me feel uncomfortable at how similar it is to aspects of my life.

Now by this stage its probably pretty obvious who I see myself as in this scenario. and no, its NOT Bella. They have their triangle and I have my triangle.

The only brightside is that eventually Jacob imprints (finds THE one for him/soul mate). I’m choosing to ignore the fact that its Edward and Bella’s kid that he imprints on, because to parallel that in MY life that would be fucking disturbing… But maybe that means if THEY end up together, I get to find someone who will blow my mind away and that I’LL be happy with.

And yes I’m well aware of the fact that writing about my “teen dramas” in my love life through the use of Twilight takes this post to a whole new level of super gay angst, but I’ve had roughly two and a half hours of DISTURBED sleep and I’m beyond caring.
So deal with it.

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July 12, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, epiphany, friends, love, moods, movies, observation, Personal | Leave a comment

Exams

This is pretty much how I feel right now. Escape and away from cursed exams. Although my Creative writing exam on Monday was fine and I actually left 20 minutes early – the first exam I’ve EVER left from early. 

But this afternoon I had a complete freak out and melt down and just melted into a stressed mess over exams and failing my units. I had previously applied for special consideration for discretionary marking for my exams. But when I freaked out I went and applied for my two politics exams which are this week to be deferred until next semeter.

I didn’t want to and it’s probably the wussy way out and I’m not stoked about it seeing as how it’s going to be hanging over me now all holidays. no relaxing because it’s just extended exam period now. At least I only need to do two exams when I come back. I’ll do my Communications one next week so that I won’t have to worry about that one as well. It’s by far easily my worst subject, but I have a week to learn everything and get some study done. Let’s hope it helps.

Oh and for the record, it’s just as well I DID defer seeing as my friend looked up special consideration (something I hadn’t bothered to do) and turns out “discretionary marking” can be a change of grade by no more than 2% for exams and 5% for assignments. And let’s face it, that would have done sweet FUCK ALL for my exam marks and passing the units…

Thank fuck I deferred.

June 9, 2010 Posted by | epiphany, exams, Personal, photography, pictures, trouble, university | Leave a comment

HAPPY HAPPY TIMES!

I’m sooooooooo happy right now – i spend all my time with erin and other people at college and being happy as a buttercup!!

Everything is turning to rainbows at the moment and I love life and the world. Its so fabulous I just want to scream my love for it.

It feels like I’ve take the happy pill of life and that I’m hiiiiiiiiiigh as a kite on happy gas. You can’t get much higher and happier than this.! I’m going to break through the atmospheric layer IM THAT INCREDIBLY OVER JOYOUSLY HAPPY!!

Happy Dom?!

haha

June 6, 2010 Posted by | epiphany | Leave a comment

time to be free

Mel just facebook messaged me asking me why I had only removed her, Aimee, Hayley and Phoebe from my friends on Facebook. In other words, why not Kahli and Sammy as well. So I messaged her back saying that it was because both Kahli and Sammy had both messaged me individually away from the conversation with everyone in it, and they’d both seemed like they at least wanted to try to get past this.

And writing that just then, made me feel like it has all become so incredibly juvie and highschool… which it has. I know it has. But I originally deleted them on facebook because my entire status feed was full of photos of them being happy and fine and having a good time, and call me petty, but I don’t want to see that. It was painful at the time because I knew I couldn’t be a part of it… plus that I don’t feel like going out and clubbing and being happy like that.

Anyways, I didn’t delete Kahli or Sammy, instead I just hid them from my status feed (which I didn’t even realise you could do until I’d deleted all the other girls – otherwise I would have just done that to them as well). 

But the thing is, yesterday I had a bit of a revelation – that I don’t think I even want to be a part of it anymore. I’m sick of the games and trying to please them – I don’t have to do that with my other friends. They don’t give a shit how I act. But these girls, it’s like if you don’t toe the line, then your out. And quite frankly, why do I even want to be friends with girls that throw away my friendship so easily – especially when they do it because someone else in the group did it.

I’m just sick of it.

I really am.

When I think about what makes me depressed – they’re it. Well I mean obviously they’re not the only cause, but they’re a huge factor. I know they’re all very nice girls in their own way and even nicer, I’m sure, if your the one that they’re worshipping. But if you’re on the edge of the circle the whole time your friends and then kicked out when something bad happens, that should be it. That should be the time you stop trying, wake up and see how much they’ve treated you like shit.

I’m over it. I’m over trying to please them all. I’m over trying to fit in. I’m over being scared that one of them will tell all the others something I confided in them and that chinese whispers will ensue. I’m exhausted of over thinking everything I do for their sakes to make sure I don’t upset them. And I’m so totally over being angry at the last few years.

It’s done. I’m moving on.

I just hope that if Mel decides she wants to be friends and try moving on that I don’t get sucked back into all of that. The thing about Mel is that I’ve never really known her real personality (if she has one, which I’m sure she does). I’ve only ever known the Mel that pleases everyone and as a result, changes to act how each of those people would prefer each time she’s with them.

I  just don’t want to be back in the game again. Time to start appreciating the friends that I do have who will both be there for me and who don’t make me act carefully when I’m around them or over think everything I do.

June 4, 2010 Posted by | epiphany, friends, people, Personal | 1 Comment

Quote of the Week #25

In light of certain recent breakdowns (with blogs detailing them) and my insecurities of late, I felt that this picture quote was relevant and rather perfect. Because, after the breakdown, some things were resolved and figured oout and I’m now in a happier place. A lot happier. Since that breakdown, things have been rather wonderful quite frankly.

So I believe that this quote could very well be true.

April 9, 2010 Posted by | epiphany, just a quick note, love, moods, observation, photography, procrastinating, Quote of the Week | Leave a comment

I feel like eating a ton of ice cream and lollies right now…

At the moment I have a tingling feeling of tight chestedness causing me slight pain. It’s like my chest just decided to shrink to a smaller and more ridiculous size. I don’t like it.

It’s silly how saying something so small like “I hope you find a girl you can fall head over heels for” can be so detrimental to ones self. Then again maybe it’s because I was already having a pretty shitty day and this just topped the icing on the cake. *sigh*

July 29, 2009 Posted by | disapointment, emotions, epiphany, just a quick note, life, moods, people | 6 Comments

My life’s a broken record.

I feel like life has started to repeat itself a bit of late. The reason I say this is because I have finally come to that moment with my Boss where I have resolved not to feel anything for him, but he still has feelings for me. It’s that moment where you have to decide where to go from there. I’ve been at this point a couple of times now (and I don’t mean that to make that sound up my self), and each time I end up hurting the guy unavoidably and he ends up bitter. I walk away from it seemingly fine because of the way I’ve learnt to deal with and ignore things.

I always think in the long run that I know what’s better for the guy so that then he won’t hanging onto it and he’ll be able to move on, but lately I’ve been re-evaluating all my life philosophies… It’s strange…. Today, this was the one thing I began to question.

You see, the last guy I did this with was my ex boyfriend Dom. That definitely didn’t work out too well or as I had hoped, but true to form, we were still friends after that even if that did involve not talking for a while. We sorted it out in the end anyways. Now it’s all happening again, except with my Boss instead.
The difference is that although I’ve shut myself off and detached myself from it all now, I have to sometimes catch myself from slipping back into how I was before I had to put up all those brick walls in my mind. Even now I can tell that working with him today has affected me. I’m still resolved, have no romantic feelings and I can’t see myself being with him now, but yet after we had had our little chat about us, when he moved too close to me (he was standing right behind me to look over my shoulder at some paper) I felt that same thrill I used to get from his closeness. That’s bad. Very very bad.
He seems to be set on being stubborn and sticking it out though – to see if he can change my mind eventually. When I told him that I was detached from it all and any feelings I used to have, he said that he would rather not see me at all than to become just another face in the crowd for me. I said I wanted to be good friends because I do. I used to tell him everything and we were close… But I have serious doubts that this can work at all. I just don’t see how it can…
Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. All I know is that I can’t see myself being with him at all. Not unless it’s like in my original idea – finding each other again later on in life after we’ve already lived our separate lives.
On a brief side note – I miss Dom. I want him to come home from his stint working up North. It’s probably not fair to miss him, but I really truly do. Maybe it’s more so at the moment because it was only this year that I realised that I had actually been in love with him. You know how you think you’re in love and then after it ends you realise that it was just a silly idea that you had? Well I went through that and managed to realise that the second part was only due to going through an angry phase, because I actually did love that kid. As a result, darn him, he managed to own that spot in my heart most people say is reserved for the “first love”. Everything and everyone always says that you never forget your first love (oh yes I’m all about the corn tonight). I’d say that’s probably one of the reasons I have such a strong attachment to him at the moment and why I miss him so much… well that and he fact that he’s obviously such a charmer.

June 14, 2009 Posted by | emotions, epiphany, experiences, life, love, people | 8 Comments