…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

FUCK Twilight’s Eclipse and it’s Parrallels

Tonight we went to see the Twilght Saga’s third movie ‘Eclipse’.

Now I’m fairly impartial to the series and admittedly I read all the books super fast because at the time I really like them. I don’t mind the series at all and I’ve watched the first movie a ridiculous amount of times, however the last movie and this one (under a new director) really just don’t do it for me.

But watching it TONIGHT in particular, it really didn’t. I found myself wanting to scream at the screen whilst simultaneously wanting to shout at Dom afterwards as well. I actually had to restrain myself from getting up and walking out of the cinema at a couple of points, and I did so because I didn’t want to make a scene. Instead I had to be content with my effort not to cry, looking away at the glaring “EXIT” sign and pulling the top of my coke can apart. Its because of these recent few days, and everything which has come up as a result, that made me see it in a different light.

Here’s the thing with this movie: Bella loves Edward and has promised him a future. But she fucks Jacob over as well because she tries to “protect” him by lying (stupid lying cheating whore) and giving him false hope. And watching it this time round that struck too close to home.

Sound familiar at all to you?

Afterwards Kristie and I casually said in the book you naturally love and pick Edward, but in the movies, you would sooooooo totally pick Jacob because damnnnn he is FINE! Dom piped in at this point saying no way, Edward is way better, and Jacob is all whiney and a douche. He also added it was because Edward was willing to sacrifice everything for her whereas Jacob wasn’t prepared to sacrifice anything.

I wanted to argue that that was crap – Edward says that he’ll sacrifice anything and everything but it’s easy to say that when you know you won’t have to because you KNOW you’ve already got the girl – that they’re YOURS. Jacob on the other hand doesn’t have that, but he fights for her. He fights for THEM together, hoping like hell he could be enough to win her over and keep her. He gets so close only to have her turn away again because Edward comes back and says I want you again. Jacob will ALWAYS feel like the second choice because he IS the second choice but at least he fights for her. At least he tried his hardest and he gave her everything he has. Even when they were really close she was using him. And she constantly treats him like shit. Even after she lies to him like a whore and gives him false hope to “protect” him, and he finds out that, he still holds out for her:

Bella: “You know I love you.”
Jacob: “You know how much I wish it was enough.”
Bella: “Should I come back?”
Jacob: “I need some time… But I’ll always be waiting.”
Bella: *laughs quietly and whispers* “Until my heart stops beating.”
Jacob: *pauses* “Maybe even then.”

So yeah, totally shame on Jacob Black for HOPING and wishing like hell that she can actually learn to appreciate him. That she will one day choose him instead of the guy that leaves her and then comes back into her life only to be overly jealous of the other person she’s become close to – in the book Esward even tries to stop her seeing Jacob.

Once again I can just find so many parallels. Even if it is in the pathetic stories of the overly moody Edward, Bella and Jacob of Twilight.

And if u don’t like Twilight you can kiss my ass. I’m not a die hard fan, I just know when something makes me feel uncomfortable at how similar it is to aspects of my life.

Now by this stage its probably pretty obvious who I see myself as in this scenario. and no, its NOT Bella. They have their triangle and I have my triangle.

The only brightside is that eventually Jacob imprints (finds THE one for him/soul mate). I’m choosing to ignore the fact that its Edward and Bella’s kid that he imprints on, because to parallel that in MY life that would be fucking disturbing… But maybe that means if THEY end up together, I get to find someone who will blow my mind away and that I’LL be happy with.

And yes I’m well aware of the fact that writing about my “teen dramas” in my love life through the use of Twilight takes this post to a whole new level of super gay angst, but I’ve had roughly two and a half hours of DISTURBED sleep and I’m beyond caring.
So deal with it.

July 12, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, epiphany, friends, love, moods, movies, observation, Personal | Leave a comment

insomnia

Things are spinning and spinning in my head.

I’m angry.
I’m frustrated.
I’m determined.

I want to lay waste to the world.

Be reckless and go crazy.
Show them all. Make them feel.
Defiance. Prove it to them. Stick it to them.

I’m not forgetable.
Not like that.

Reckless fun.
That’ll be me.

… Lay waste to the world…

July 3, 2010 Posted by | drunk/drinking, emotions, friends, Going Out on the Town, life, moods, Personal, sleep | Leave a comment

Whatever.

So yesterday was stressful. Resulted in me snapping at Erin a couple of times when she was distracting me from study. Then I did my final exam (for the moment) for which I was totally unprepared and had to wing for half of it with some bullshit that I didn’t know and made up. Overall, pretty crap exam. And you know how usually you get so excited and overjoyed at the fact that you’ve finally finished? Yeah, none of that for me. Because I still had two assignments to do and during the holidays, another exam to study for. Fucking ace hey -_-

Anyways, so I came back to college and ended up wasting pretty much the rest of the day before sitting in Erin’s room as more and more people piled in for pre drinks… and steadily drank. Had an interesting conversation with her friend who is a quarter Vietnamese, a quarter French, and half Lebanese… but was brought up in Switzerland… Interesting mix no? So he spoke french as his first language, arabic as his second and english as his third. His friend was also Swiss (but raised here) and was one of those really macho with HUGE guns guys that was totally overcompensating for the fact that he was going to be gay. Or in the very least bisexual. I think he is just going to be gay, but Erin seems to think my gaydar is broken… Problem is, at this age, you can’t really prove that it’s correct, because not that many guys come out of the closet this early.

Anyways that was pretty good and then they all left to go out of the town (something I could be fucked doing because I was going to do my assignment… which I didn’t end up doing but whatever). I got a call about an hour or so later from a extremely drunk and crying Erin asking me to come pick her up, so I did seeing as she was walking home alone back to college after being kicked out from where they were. So I got her upstairs (which was surprisingly easy for once) and then got her in to bed (which was somewhat harder, but for once she actually stayed there, thank goodness). This was, of course, only after she had had her really weird drunken non sensical conversations to 4 other people who were stone sober. One of those sober people was smart enough to get photographic evidence of her. Thank you charles.

After that it sort of started to go down hill. Sort of like a snowy mountain and how the small snowball you drop becomes the huge ass problem as it gathers enough  speed size and momentum rolling down the hill that it just covers an entire house when it finally crashes? Only problem with that analogy is that I don’t know if it’s crashed yet or if it’s still rolling…

I mean yes, I had an emotional night last night and I didn’t end up so well (obviously, given my last post). But I don’t know if that was supposed to be carried over to today. Sort of seems like it has been which I didn’t really expect. I thought there’d just be a reply and that’d be it. Problem is without the reply now, I’m sort of hesitant to book a ticket to Vietnam as planned… which is funny considering everything was so darn sure last week, and this week has just been… well a shambles really.

Maybe it’s exam stress getting to me, maybe it’s my attempt to change sleeping patterns (which was going very well until last night/today) and being tired, or maybe it’s just a plain bad week. I tend to think it’s a combination of all of them really. Because in the last two weeks I’ve been feeling fine and cruisey but at the same time business like, but the key part is, I haven’t been overly emotional. I think I shed a mere one tear and that was it…. so much for that.

I’m better tonight though… well in a manner of speaking: Instead of being emotional and upset I’m sort of more annoyed than anything. Not so much as a result of last night (which I am still freaking confused about) but because of tonight.

*omg I just lost the rest of this post because the internet fucked up. Life hates me*

Basically, tonight we had pre drinks again in Erin’s room but with less people and it was a whole lot less fun. Two girls got REALLY drunk in comparison to the others and one is a really annoying drunk (which I fucking hate when I’m not drunk as well). I ended up driving them to the pub on the proviso that if she got rejected or kicked out she would catch a cab back and not walk (or call me). Turns out, after I got home and finally started my nap, I got called up again by another girl at college asking me to come pick up on of the other girls because she was trashed and had been kicked out. 

So back I went, like the freaking nanny that I seem to be at the moment, and then got her back to college and into bed – with a number of stops along the way so she could decide if she wanted to vomit some more. Charming. I assure you. Then I went back to having my nap only to be woken up yet again

Our floor is supposed to have only 3 of us left at the moment because everyone else has moved out. Not a problem. Except I was woken up at 3am by college people (who don’t even live in this area) standing in the hallway right outside my door talking and laughing loudly. Usually I’d been fine about it, because let’s face it, I’d probably still be up. But no. Not cool. So I dragged myself out of bed, got semi dressed, opened the door, did a I’m still half asleep glare and said, not aggressively but just exhaustedly, “Guys, fuck off… Like usually it wouldn’t be a problem but this area is supposed to be deserted and you’ve been making noise all night down stairs…. So just, leave this area.”

I guess because I look pretty scary when I wake up normally, and this was a time when I’d be disturbed and sleep deprived, I must have looked kinda scary standing in my doorway like that. Plus I’m a year older than them in terms of college and uni, and I was too tired to take the polite way out so I was just straight to the point and frank. They all apologised with horrified looks on their faces and bailed pretty quick as far as I’m aware.

I don’t like to be woken unexpectedly. 

When people disturb and wake me unexpectedly, that’s probably my meanest times. I get damn well grouchy. Grouchier than if I was sleep and food deprived for 3 days straight. You don’t mess with me when I’m woken in the middle of sleep. I always felt sorry for my Mum in that respect.

Anyway, that’s the short of it. 

There’s only two other pieces of news – both shit of course.

The other day I went back to Mum’s house and sitting in my bookshelf I found an old book I was given by Mel, one of the girls that recently decided they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. She wrote it for me in the summer holidays before year 11 and gave it to me on my 16th birthday: ‘The Life Stories of [me] and Melanie’. It was our joke because when we wrote each other emails or talked on the phone we would ramble a lot and I would always say at the end of really long ones, “and that’s my life story”. So she wrote down a whole bunch of memories and random crap in there and gave it to me. There was a page though which had her thoughts about life on it. And I wish I’d copied it out now, but there was a part that was something along the lines of Sometimes you just can’t help the way you feel. Sometimes you make mistakes in life. Sometimes they’re big and there’s nothing you can do about them, but learn from them and try to move on. I found it kind of ironic to read something that applied so well to the current situation – something that she hadn’t been able to see or move past. So i wrote a note on the back of a picture of her and me saying that she was wiser than she realised and she wasn’t even 16 at the time.

I put in a couple more photos marking a page where she described my character and a page where she described a time we had bonded over breaking up with boyfriends in year 10 haha. Then I put it into a bag with a note saying that it was about time I gave the book back to her because she seemed to need it more than I did. That I still remembered the way we were and everything used to be. That she’d said she didn’t know who I was anymore, and I said that I was still exactly the same person that she wrote about in the book, just that I was a few years older and had a few more mistakes to account for. Then I wished her good luck with everything and said that she would be great one day.

I did all of that about 2 weeks ago and put off sending it to her because I didn’t know if I’d regret it and I thought she was on the verge of maybe wanting to try get past all this shit and talk to me again. Turns out she wasn’t and I don’t… well not really. I can’t decide if I ended up doing it because I was in a bad mood thanks to my mother and exam stress, or if it was just another part of purging all that shit from my life made bolder by my mood at the time. I dunno. Whatever it was, it’s done. It was two days ago and I still haven’t heard from her…. Soooo maybe she just doesn’t care? Or maybe I hurt her? Or maybe she’s just not home at the moment. I don’t know.

And the final last bit of news:

I dropped a unit.

I went to the arts faculty advisor today to clear up some things with her about my special consideration today. Turns out she suggested that I drop one of my politics units  – which she would do for me without academic or financial penalty because of the special consideration – and that way I wouldn’t have to do one of the assignments I was supposed to do tonight and crash and burn trying to do both. So I withdrew from that unit. Turns out that I really just don’t have any where enough motivation at the moment to be able to do five subjects… I don’t really have any motivation for anything at the moment. I decided the other day that I jut don’t have anything to focus on at the moment. I’m drifting so aimlessly. It’s horrifyingly stupid and I can’t stand it.

Next semester I think I’m either only going to do just 3 subjects or 4 at the very most. That way I can focus on those ones and I can work more to get money to bail on this place as soon as the semester is over.

I guess on the bright side at least now I only have one exam to focus on for my deferred examinations at the beginning of next semester. Which means less stress. And the assignments I handed in late anywhere between 3 to 5 weeks, won’t be penalised (well, one is, because I agreed with that tutor yesterday that he just wouldn’t fail me providing it was an alright essay – so the faculty advisor didn’t try to change what I’d already agreed to. I was supposed to lose 50% though so it’s still a good deal).

But it is another set back on finishing university and getting out of here. Which is fucking annoying.

Owell. Whatever.

I’ve got to do this darn essay and then move out of college. Fuck I want sleep. And answers. And money to travel.

Get me out of here.

June 18, 2010 Posted by | bored, Choices, college, confusing!!, drunk/drinking, friends, just a quick note, life, university | 3 Comments

time to be free

Mel just facebook messaged me asking me why I had only removed her, Aimee, Hayley and Phoebe from my friends on Facebook. In other words, why not Kahli and Sammy as well. So I messaged her back saying that it was because both Kahli and Sammy had both messaged me individually away from the conversation with everyone in it, and they’d both seemed like they at least wanted to try to get past this.

And writing that just then, made me feel like it has all become so incredibly juvie and highschool… which it has. I know it has. But I originally deleted them on facebook because my entire status feed was full of photos of them being happy and fine and having a good time, and call me petty, but I don’t want to see that. It was painful at the time because I knew I couldn’t be a part of it… plus that I don’t feel like going out and clubbing and being happy like that.

Anyways, I didn’t delete Kahli or Sammy, instead I just hid them from my status feed (which I didn’t even realise you could do until I’d deleted all the other girls – otherwise I would have just done that to them as well). 

But the thing is, yesterday I had a bit of a revelation – that I don’t think I even want to be a part of it anymore. I’m sick of the games and trying to please them – I don’t have to do that with my other friends. They don’t give a shit how I act. But these girls, it’s like if you don’t toe the line, then your out. And quite frankly, why do I even want to be friends with girls that throw away my friendship so easily – especially when they do it because someone else in the group did it.

I’m just sick of it.

I really am.

When I think about what makes me depressed – they’re it. Well I mean obviously they’re not the only cause, but they’re a huge factor. I know they’re all very nice girls in their own way and even nicer, I’m sure, if your the one that they’re worshipping. But if you’re on the edge of the circle the whole time your friends and then kicked out when something bad happens, that should be it. That should be the time you stop trying, wake up and see how much they’ve treated you like shit.

I’m over it. I’m over trying to please them all. I’m over trying to fit in. I’m over being scared that one of them will tell all the others something I confided in them and that chinese whispers will ensue. I’m exhausted of over thinking everything I do for their sakes to make sure I don’t upset them. And I’m so totally over being angry at the last few years.

It’s done. I’m moving on.

I just hope that if Mel decides she wants to be friends and try moving on that I don’t get sucked back into all of that. The thing about Mel is that I’ve never really known her real personality (if she has one, which I’m sure she does). I’ve only ever known the Mel that pleases everyone and as a result, changes to act how each of those people would prefer each time she’s with them.

I  just don’t want to be back in the game again. Time to start appreciating the friends that I do have who will both be there for me and who don’t make me act carefully when I’m around them or over think everything I do.

June 4, 2010 Posted by | epiphany, friends, people, Personal | 1 Comment

It’s Over. (in a manner of speaking)

Now it’s time to move on. Don’t you know that things aren’t getting better.

Don’t try and stop me
Because I’m falling fast into this pit of fire which surrounds us all.
In a blanket of fear that I’ve been wrapped in for years.
You can’t stop me.

When the world caves in what are you going to do for me?



My friend Erin posted this pic on her blog tonight. We decided that just coincidentally we’re on the same page in life. Both hating on it and both sick of all the shit. Tonight I decided to remove my group of friends from my facebook account. They’re the girls that I went through all of highschool with and who have decided that in my time of need, they can’t stand the thought of me and want to take Phoebe’s side. That’s their choice I suppose. People have been telling me that  I don’t need them as friends and that I’d be better off without them… but I can’t seem to let go of it.

Tonight is the closest I’ve gotten to letting go.

I didn’t remove them out of spite, or some kind of unwarranted revenge. It was because I logged onto facebook and the vast majority of my feeder was filled with photos of them being drunk and happy… and skinny and looking pretty and happy. It just made me feel like shit – fat, ugly and depressed (whilst eating my chocolate). The thing that gets me the most is they were all telling me how bad everything right now and how they’re all badly affected by what I’ve done because it’s hurt Phoebe so much and them by connection, and yet their lives don’t have seemed to have stopped at all. the only difference to before seems to be that I’m not in it.

Correction: I’m not allowed to be in it.

I was hardly in it before but now I’m just really not. And seeing all those pictures just makes me even more depressed at the fact that at the moment I just don’t feel like I can do that. I’m not drinking anymore (basically at all), I despise the thought of going out clubbing and having guys look at me or touch me, and I just can’t seem to be lively like they all seem to be. I just can’t do it at the moment. And seeing them all so happy while I’m like this and knowing that they don’t even give a shit about it or me, well I guess that hurts. I don’t want to see those photos anymore. So I sent them a message saying I was removing them all from my friends because it hurts too much and that if they ever want to be my friend again then they can add me and I’ll take that as a sign.

It was probably a mistake and the nail in my coffin. They now have no more reminders that I exist and used to be friends with them. No more contact directly or indirectly at all. All I can do is hope that one day they’ll remember me. In the mean time I need to forget. Forget it all.

It was a good day, but tonight is just one of those nights where I want to go to sleep and live in my dreams instead of reality. It’s one of those times where i just want to go to sleep and not wake to face this again, and one of those times when I just can’t stand living in this godforsaken town. I want out. And I want it now.

(at least Dom is having a good time. He emailed me just then and things are looking up. I think I’m trying to be happy and live vicariously through him… I’m hoping there’s a lot more to come. I want him to be happy.)

May 30, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, emotions, friends, life | 4 Comments

Time doesn’t pass fast enough it seems…

It’s gonna get harder still
Before it gets easy
You can’t keep safe what wants to break

I’m alone in this
I’m as I’ve always been
Right behind what’s happening
She’s all lost in this
She’s all like she’ll always be
A little far for me to reach

 

..::Always Be::..

– Jimmy Eat World –

May 20, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, friends, just a quick note, lyrics | Leave a comment

Go figure…

I don’t know why, but somehow I just managed to get so worked up again, and I ended up writing out what I wish I would say to Phoebe. I think I’ve been building it in my head for a long time, but I’ve never said any of it because it’s all me being angry and saying that for once she needed to look at herself instead of blaming me. I never said any of that stuff to her because I always thought I was largely at fault, therefore had to take to the fault and I always had to be nice to her and tip toe around her.

So I never let out any of my frustration.

Well this would do it if I could say it. It took me 3 hours and 8 pages. 

So…What now? Do I move on?

May 19, 2010 Posted by | emotions, friends, life, love, moods | 1 Comment