…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

So beautiful…

When I first got to our resort that we’re staying at, I was amazed at how gorgeous it was – and that was when it was dark and barely visible. I sent a message to Dom saying that if I ever though Mum was a snob when it came to acommodation, Dad out did her on this trip haha.

This morning though, it was GLORIOUS. There was frost outside and the lake had mist on it. The sun was just coming out on the mountains.

G. L. O. R. I. O. U. S.

The photos don’t even do it justice…

June 27, 2010 Posted by | experiences, family, happy :), just a quick note, Personal, SNOW!! | 2 Comments

I want out.

Let the trains roll in…

…and take me away.

June 18, 2010 Posted by | just a quick note, photography, pictures | Leave a comment

Whatever.

So yesterday was stressful. Resulted in me snapping at Erin a couple of times when she was distracting me from study. Then I did my final exam (for the moment) for which I was totally unprepared and had to wing for half of it with some bullshit that I didn’t know and made up. Overall, pretty crap exam. And you know how usually you get so excited and overjoyed at the fact that you’ve finally finished? Yeah, none of that for me. Because I still had two assignments to do and during the holidays, another exam to study for. Fucking ace hey -_-

Anyways, so I came back to college and ended up wasting pretty much the rest of the day before sitting in Erin’s room as more and more people piled in for pre drinks… and steadily drank. Had an interesting conversation with her friend who is a quarter Vietnamese, a quarter French, and half Lebanese… but was brought up in Switzerland… Interesting mix no? So he spoke french as his first language, arabic as his second and english as his third. His friend was also Swiss (but raised here) and was one of those really macho with HUGE guns guys that was totally overcompensating for the fact that he was going to be gay. Or in the very least bisexual. I think he is just going to be gay, but Erin seems to think my gaydar is broken… Problem is, at this age, you can’t really prove that it’s correct, because not that many guys come out of the closet this early.

Anyways that was pretty good and then they all left to go out of the town (something I could be fucked doing because I was going to do my assignment… which I didn’t end up doing but whatever). I got a call about an hour or so later from a extremely drunk and crying Erin asking me to come pick her up, so I did seeing as she was walking home alone back to college after being kicked out from where they were. So I got her upstairs (which was surprisingly easy for once) and then got her in to bed (which was somewhat harder, but for once she actually stayed there, thank goodness). This was, of course, only after she had had her really weird drunken non sensical conversations to 4 other people who were stone sober. One of those sober people was smart enough to get photographic evidence of her. Thank you charles.

After that it sort of started to go down hill. Sort of like a snowy mountain and how the small snowball you drop becomes the huge ass problem as it gathers enough  speed size and momentum rolling down the hill that it just covers an entire house when it finally crashes? Only problem with that analogy is that I don’t know if it’s crashed yet or if it’s still rolling…

I mean yes, I had an emotional night last night and I didn’t end up so well (obviously, given my last post). But I don’t know if that was supposed to be carried over to today. Sort of seems like it has been which I didn’t really expect. I thought there’d just be a reply and that’d be it. Problem is without the reply now, I’m sort of hesitant to book a ticket to Vietnam as planned… which is funny considering everything was so darn sure last week, and this week has just been… well a shambles really.

Maybe it’s exam stress getting to me, maybe it’s my attempt to change sleeping patterns (which was going very well until last night/today) and being tired, or maybe it’s just a plain bad week. I tend to think it’s a combination of all of them really. Because in the last two weeks I’ve been feeling fine and cruisey but at the same time business like, but the key part is, I haven’t been overly emotional. I think I shed a mere one tear and that was it…. so much for that.

I’m better tonight though… well in a manner of speaking: Instead of being emotional and upset I’m sort of more annoyed than anything. Not so much as a result of last night (which I am still freaking confused about) but because of tonight.

*omg I just lost the rest of this post because the internet fucked up. Life hates me*

Basically, tonight we had pre drinks again in Erin’s room but with less people and it was a whole lot less fun. Two girls got REALLY drunk in comparison to the others and one is a really annoying drunk (which I fucking hate when I’m not drunk as well). I ended up driving them to the pub on the proviso that if she got rejected or kicked out she would catch a cab back and not walk (or call me). Turns out, after I got home and finally started my nap, I got called up again by another girl at college asking me to come pick up on of the other girls because she was trashed and had been kicked out. 

So back I went, like the freaking nanny that I seem to be at the moment, and then got her back to college and into bed – with a number of stops along the way so she could decide if she wanted to vomit some more. Charming. I assure you. Then I went back to having my nap only to be woken up yet again

Our floor is supposed to have only 3 of us left at the moment because everyone else has moved out. Not a problem. Except I was woken up at 3am by college people (who don’t even live in this area) standing in the hallway right outside my door talking and laughing loudly. Usually I’d been fine about it, because let’s face it, I’d probably still be up. But no. Not cool. So I dragged myself out of bed, got semi dressed, opened the door, did a I’m still half asleep glare and said, not aggressively but just exhaustedly, “Guys, fuck off… Like usually it wouldn’t be a problem but this area is supposed to be deserted and you’ve been making noise all night down stairs…. So just, leave this area.”

I guess because I look pretty scary when I wake up normally, and this was a time when I’d be disturbed and sleep deprived, I must have looked kinda scary standing in my doorway like that. Plus I’m a year older than them in terms of college and uni, and I was too tired to take the polite way out so I was just straight to the point and frank. They all apologised with horrified looks on their faces and bailed pretty quick as far as I’m aware.

I don’t like to be woken unexpectedly. 

When people disturb and wake me unexpectedly, that’s probably my meanest times. I get damn well grouchy. Grouchier than if I was sleep and food deprived for 3 days straight. You don’t mess with me when I’m woken in the middle of sleep. I always felt sorry for my Mum in that respect.

Anyway, that’s the short of it. 

There’s only two other pieces of news – both shit of course.

The other day I went back to Mum’s house and sitting in my bookshelf I found an old book I was given by Mel, one of the girls that recently decided they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. She wrote it for me in the summer holidays before year 11 and gave it to me on my 16th birthday: ‘The Life Stories of [me] and Melanie’. It was our joke because when we wrote each other emails or talked on the phone we would ramble a lot and I would always say at the end of really long ones, “and that’s my life story”. So she wrote down a whole bunch of memories and random crap in there and gave it to me. There was a page though which had her thoughts about life on it. And I wish I’d copied it out now, but there was a part that was something along the lines of Sometimes you just can’t help the way you feel. Sometimes you make mistakes in life. Sometimes they’re big and there’s nothing you can do about them, but learn from them and try to move on. I found it kind of ironic to read something that applied so well to the current situation – something that she hadn’t been able to see or move past. So i wrote a note on the back of a picture of her and me saying that she was wiser than she realised and she wasn’t even 16 at the time.

I put in a couple more photos marking a page where she described my character and a page where she described a time we had bonded over breaking up with boyfriends in year 10 haha. Then I put it into a bag with a note saying that it was about time I gave the book back to her because she seemed to need it more than I did. That I still remembered the way we were and everything used to be. That she’d said she didn’t know who I was anymore, and I said that I was still exactly the same person that she wrote about in the book, just that I was a few years older and had a few more mistakes to account for. Then I wished her good luck with everything and said that she would be great one day.

I did all of that about 2 weeks ago and put off sending it to her because I didn’t know if I’d regret it and I thought she was on the verge of maybe wanting to try get past all this shit and talk to me again. Turns out she wasn’t and I don’t… well not really. I can’t decide if I ended up doing it because I was in a bad mood thanks to my mother and exam stress, or if it was just another part of purging all that shit from my life made bolder by my mood at the time. I dunno. Whatever it was, it’s done. It was two days ago and I still haven’t heard from her…. Soooo maybe she just doesn’t care? Or maybe I hurt her? Or maybe she’s just not home at the moment. I don’t know.

And the final last bit of news:

I dropped a unit.

I went to the arts faculty advisor today to clear up some things with her about my special consideration today. Turns out she suggested that I drop one of my politics units  – which she would do for me without academic or financial penalty because of the special consideration – and that way I wouldn’t have to do one of the assignments I was supposed to do tonight and crash and burn trying to do both. So I withdrew from that unit. Turns out that I really just don’t have any where enough motivation at the moment to be able to do five subjects… I don’t really have any motivation for anything at the moment. I decided the other day that I jut don’t have anything to focus on at the moment. I’m drifting so aimlessly. It’s horrifyingly stupid and I can’t stand it.

Next semester I think I’m either only going to do just 3 subjects or 4 at the very most. That way I can focus on those ones and I can work more to get money to bail on this place as soon as the semester is over.

I guess on the bright side at least now I only have one exam to focus on for my deferred examinations at the beginning of next semester. Which means less stress. And the assignments I handed in late anywhere between 3 to 5 weeks, won’t be penalised (well, one is, because I agreed with that tutor yesterday that he just wouldn’t fail me providing it was an alright essay – so the faculty advisor didn’t try to change what I’d already agreed to. I was supposed to lose 50% though so it’s still a good deal).

But it is another set back on finishing university and getting out of here. Which is fucking annoying.

Owell. Whatever.

I’ve got to do this darn essay and then move out of college. Fuck I want sleep. And answers. And money to travel.

Get me out of here.

June 18, 2010 Posted by | bored, Choices, college, confusing!!, drunk/drinking, friends, just a quick note, life, university | 3 Comments

The Road is Life

Our battered suitcases were

     piled on the sidewalk again;

we had longer ways to go. 

But no matter, the road is life.


 

I found this picture and I quite love it. Although I can’t help but read feelings of loneliness and desperation in it. It reminds me of all those designed and mastered images of ‘post-apocolyptic’ worlds and what they could possibly be like. It also sort of reminded me of ‘The Road’ by Cormac McCarthy. Kudos to the artist (Michael Kursche I think?) There were a number of other images up at the same place although I’m not sure if they’re also by him as well… (click on them to see larger versions)


     

Toodleoo xx

June 10, 2010 Posted by | just a quick note, pictures, Quotes by People, Travel | Leave a comment

Update

Well today I spent the first half sleeping despite six alarms set to wake me up (and keep me waking up continuously so I would be up). AS a consequence I didn’t get any work done and hello to my assignments, they’re still hanging around like a bad smell (which means that yes I’m going to continue winging about them). On the other hand my room smells lovely and fresh in it’s cleanliness (thank you cleaner).

Went to lunch to sit with my usual group of girls and found us sitting with my room neighbour (Ashleigh) and her boyfriend (Nick, who is the epitome of weird). One joke made by the boyfriend and Erin was storming silently out of the dining hall. I had asked Asleigh if me coughing lately had kept her awake and she said that she had just gotten used to it, but that Erin’s music was too loud sometimes. That’s when Nick turned around and said, “That’s not the only thing too loud.” He was implying Erin during sex, which admittedly is loud and definitely voted as loud enough to gain her a nomination for the college unofficial award of ‘Screamer of the Year’ and to make her notorious after a certain rather loud sex in the shower incident last year. When Nick said it and I finally clicked onto what he said after a second and I laughed out of shock at the joke. It was so unexpected. Erin didn’t take it lightly, nor the fact that Holly and I laughed at it. So she spent the rest of the day avoiding us, hence I had a quiet day.

I spent the afternoon coughing up blood – a sign which usually would be considered rather unhealthy no doubt, but in fact is a sign that the antibiotics have finally worked and I’m getting better. My lungs feel miraculously better in comparison to how they were at any stage during the last 5 or 6 weeks. Yay for getting better in time for the holidays. Then again, if I don’t get sick from being in at my Dad’s house (where apparently it is ghastly cold at the moment and threatening to snow soon), then I’m bound to get sick from the change between ridiculously cold freezing my socks off to ridiculously hot where I won’t be able to walk down the street without sweating up a storm (or so I’ve been told).

I also managed to start clearing out some more clothes to take home… to save the packing next week just a tad… plus I started pulling aside some clothes for the two trips these holidays (and I hope that doesn’t jinx either of them). I’ve already taken home all my party type clothes… well I took home half my hang up wardrobe and the couple of things that I knew I wouldn’t wear in the three weeks remaining. But damn I collect too many clothes… there are still some with tags still on them for christ’s sake! A couple of those which I bought almost a year ago. It’s ridiculous and yet I can’t help buying more. Maybe I should stop buying cheap ass shitty things that I don’t end up wearing, but instead buy higher quality nice things that will be more expensive but worth it if I actually wear them… Plus with higher prices I wouldn’t be able to collect so much junk in my wardrobe… however I’d also be out of more money no doubt.

There’s just no winning haha.

At the moment all I’m doing is counting down the days:

6 more days
9 more days
25 more days

I’m most excited about the last, but I don’t want to jinx it by writing about it here either. So I shant. That will be it.

Nighty Night peeps 😀 xx

June 10, 2010 Posted by | just a quick note, Personal, Updates! | Leave a comment

Time doesn’t pass fast enough it seems…

It’s gonna get harder still
Before it gets easy
You can’t keep safe what wants to break

I’m alone in this
I’m as I’ve always been
Right behind what’s happening
She’s all lost in this
She’s all like she’ll always be
A little far for me to reach

 

..::Always Be::..

– Jimmy Eat World –

May 20, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, friends, just a quick note, lyrics | Leave a comment

umm

It might have been true for you, but it certainly wasn’t for me.

May 19, 2010 Posted by | just a quick note, pictures, Quotes by People | Leave a comment