…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

Oh the irony…

After writing that entry it seems both rather ironic and stupidly naive. 

Firstly it’s ironic because my secrets did cause any arguments as such because they weren’t quite fully revealed and because the right people didn’t hear them/act on them. No doubt there will soon be results, but as yet there are not. However other people’s secrets were created and either not kept or kept on leavers, which have caused both intrigue and outrage.
Of course I’m mainly referring to one particular couple and both of their actions. In my previous little story I used the name Melanie (Mel) to refer to this girl (who is Dom’s ex-girlfriend), so I shall continue using this name, and for the sake of code name’s, let me also introduce Wesley who is her current boyfriend.
Anyways, on leavers both of them did things, which the other person in the relationship doesn’t agree with. 
Mel decided to try taking an extremely small puff of the joint that I was smoking. She hadn’t tried it at all in Dongra when we were there and I first tried it. So she had a tiny tuff on Leavers. This was of course while she was completely drunk. Anyway, she felt bad afterwards because she knew how angry Wesley would be if he knew she had done that so she went up to everyone in the house pretty much, and asked them all to promise not to say anything to Wesley. We all agreed of course, but a couple of the boys there told another guy called Liam, who in turn told Wesley. So word got around to him eventually via an inevitable chain of people. So now he is extremely angry with her, is apparently not really speaking to her and being saying things that makes it seem to her that he is going to break up with her.
Now, on leavers Wesley wasn’t exactly squeaky clean himself. He was seen by other people in our year group hooking up (aka kissing) other girls. Possibly only one other girl, possibly more – the facts when passed along a chain of people become somewhat less definite, but it is said that it was more than one. Mel however doesn’t know this. The couple who saw Wesley were shocked to say the least and the guy was sent a text message from Wesley (who is usually a pathetically wussy, but flirty, kind of guy) saying that he better keep his girlfriend’s mouth shut or else. NOw this got passed on to one of my friends who in turn told me. I went back to the source of this and talked to the girl in the couple who saw it and she confirmed this rumour.
My dilemma now is whether or not to confront Wesley and bash his ass up until he’s too sore to move more than is needed to either pick up the phone and beg for forgiveness from Mel, or fall to the ground to grovel and beg for forgiveness from her; or do I confront Mel calmly and tell her all that I know and let here make of it what she will – after all it’s not really my place to get involved in other people’s relationships. Bashing Wesley up would just make me feel a heck of a lot better, but not really solve anything. My only other choice is to sit tight and be silent like I was told to be – after all human nature dictate’s that people talk about these things and word will eventually get to Mel about it. Word always gets around.
So there en-lies my dilemma. What to do??
Now, the other side was that the last blog was incredibly naive and so miniscule in comparison to the world’s problems. On the way home from Leavers in Busselton yesterday, we passed through a Bakery on the outskirts of Mandurah. While in the bakery I happened to read the front cover of the newspaper behind me and I was shocked at what I found. I equated this to being secluded for a whole week and then coming home to find that the twin towers had been bombed – which was, as everyone knows, quite a devastating piece of history.
So needless to say when I saw on the front cover the lines ‘Terror Came From Pakistan’ and ‘Commandos in bid to end siege as fears rise for Australians’, I flipped out. Apparently the day before the lines were ‘Slaughter in Mumbai’. Those kind of headers are a shock to come home to to say the least. Needless to say I grabbed both The West Australian and The Weekend Australian to read for the rest of the car trip back – which I did most hungrily. I read as many articles as I could to get myself up to date with the situation so that by the time I arrived home I was able to have a full discussion with other people about it and not sit there dumb founded while they fed me false facts.
Come 6.30, I was glued to the TV with my mother watching the SBS News and trying to stay up to date with both the Mumbai crisis and the Thailand debacle. 
So really it’s ironic that I could be concerned and worried with such a small little pissy and unimportant matter that is of no consequence to the rest of the world whatsoever. It’s silly and I’d be best to put it all out of my mind, yet I’m still thinking about it… how selfish of me.

November 30, 2008 Posted by | experiences, friends, leavers08, life, moods, people, secrets | Leave a comment

Leavers and Secrets

I don’t get this. Why is it every fucking time I think that I’ve found someone that I can truly trust, something happens and it just seems to slap me in the face. I just don’t know why I ever think that it will ever be any different.
I thought Jane was so trustworthy and everything and I begun to get used to telling her almost everything. I was so open with her. Unbelievably so…. Well, at least compared to what I’m normally or used to be like, which was closed off and secretive. But this week it just seems to be one thing after the other that’s come out into the open and I fell like it’s one week of all my secrets – which i have tried so hard to keep hidden from everyone else – coming out into the open.
Christ, two of the biggest secrets that i have at the moment have been pretty much blabbed by Jane this week. I just feel so annoyed and can’t talk to her right now. I don’t want this shit getting out. Ok, fine, I can accept small things – petty secrets – and a chick who I hate knowing anything about me finding out some things. Sure, accepting both those things will annoy me immensely for a while, but I can get over it. But when secrets that are both reputation and friend alteringly huge – secrets that if in the open could change my fucking life – are blabbed about, I’m pissed. So what if they weren’t told in their entirety? There was still enough said to give those that heard a pretty good idea of what they were and enough curiosity to find out the rest until finally the truth comes out. In the mean time while they made their enquiries, more people have been let in on the secret!
That pisses me off big time.
But even more shocking is the fact that I don’t even think that it’s Jane that I’m most pissed at – it’s me. If I hadn’t started sharing shit then this wouldn’t have ever happened. It’s my own darn fault. I know it is.
Because it’s only human nature.
It’s not like there wasn’t a reason for all my theories about people and their natures. So maybe this is the reason why I originally started not telling people things and why I became so guarded and shut off. Because even though me being shut off might not have worked for everyone else, it sure as hell worked for me! It’s not like I want to have to go back to being shut off from people, but I just don’t know what else to do. I really don’t I can’t stand people knowing things about me, and even more importantly, people finding out things that I have taken many pains to try and keep hidden.
I mean one of these secrets that has come out, I have been hiding for the last two years now! If my group finds out about this one, well lets just say that I can kiss our friendship goodbye, because I’d be fucked. 
Then again, am I really that opposed to the first part of that result?
(about twenty minutes later)
Oh yes. I’m definitely in shut down mode now:
Antisocial? check.
Vindictive mood? check.
Snappy and narky replies to everything? double check… Brilliant.
On the bright side, however, I think that I’ve just realised why I love talking to strangers so much. It’s like you have a clean slate with that person. No judgments. No knowledge of you. Nothing. The only problem there is that they only remain new for a little while and then they’re just… people.
But who cares? I can make myself happy again on my own. I can admire the simple beauties. Good music. Brilliant wind. Setting sun. The feel of the sand beneath me. The slobber left on my sleeping bag left by the gigantic puppy called Bella that I just met along with her owner Toni. I don’t know either of them. Well I didn’t twenty minutes ago. It’s amazing though, that even despite that, we can still be genuinely interested in each other’s lives. He’s been a bricky, tiler, carpenter, trolley supervisor and is a rather huge dog enthusiast.
That’s the beauty of it all though: being able to have a conversation with a complete and utter stranger.
That, my friends, is what I love about life and human nature.
(yet another twenty minutes later)
I asked her if she regretted last night. No.
I asked if she was alright after it all. Yes.
Caring factor stops there then.
So why is it that I still care for the god damn girl?
Perhaps it’s because I’m still in my shutting down mode. Perhaps I’ve just forgotten what it’s like shutting down, because it’s been a while. I just don’t remember it being so hard to be cold and distant so that it’s easier to forget to care for someone. Damn Jane.
So here’s the thing, and yes I’m aware how obvious this will probably be to anyone who really knows me:  I have some serious trust issues ay. Then again,  I don’t think that exactly takes a genius to figure out. Maybe someone will one day make me fall in love with them so much that they’ll manage to break down all those barriers that I’ve spent so long building and maintaining, but I can’t see that being anytime soon nor that feat being at all easy. Others have certainly tried and failed.
I’m always guarded and it’s my own self defence to shut down. That’s just how I am and I find it hard to let anyone in. Maybe that’s why a “friends-with-benefits” relationship seems so much more likely to me (and probably more appealing to be frank sometimes). Because I honestly don’t know how I could ever be in a relationship, and if that day does come, when I fall in love with them and those barriers are broken, then I think I’ll become awfully dependent on them. Which means that if they fuck me over, then that’ll be it – there won’t be anything else for me. I’ll be a wreck for a long time until I’ll finally harden up and then forever more cold. The moment I break down those barriers and open myself fully and completely to that one person, will be the moment that I take my biggest chance in life, because I don’t think I have it in me to do that and fail – especially not more than once. That one time will be it.
But that’s just how it is with me. Maybe I should just resort to the lonely life of a spinster, after all that seems like my most likely future. So maybe I should just accept it as my fate and shut the hell up – because that’s just how life goes.
I can’t bring myself to change, yet I know that is the only way to take control of my own future: by changing it and myself on my own.
So I guess this is how I will stay, and how I will end.
So be it.
Such is life.
(later that night)
Ok so turns out that shutting down on Jane is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Because I can’t seem to just go stone cold on her. It’s too hard, because unlike all the other people I’ve done it to, I actually care about her a lot.
One moment it will seem easy as, but the next second its like all I want to do is lie on the ground head to head and talk all night, just like best friends do in cliche moments in the movies. Laugh with her, joke with her, talk with her . Once again, though, talking involves risk, and that is what I’m trying to avoid at the moment. I just… can’t help wanting to look after her.
Prime example: She’s now fallen sick and fell asleep on our couch. She just looked so cute and defenseless, so I spread the sleeping bag over her properly (sort of like tucking her in really). hardly the act of the stone cold heartless bitch that I’m supposed to be morphing into, don’t you think?
Verdict: Still failing.
Ps. Sick people snore really badly when sleeping.

November 28, 2008 Posted by | emotions, friends, leavers08, life, moods, people, secrets | Leave a comment

Leavers 08: Party time =)

So I thought I’d have a small ramble about the up and coming leavers in yet another attempt to procrastinate from the work and study that I really should be doing due to the most major exams of my schooling life being less than a week away. Owell.

So anyways, leavers is notoriously a week when all of the year 12 leavers run amuck and do all sorts of crazy things usually always including alcohol and/or drugs. Of course it is possible to go to leavers without the drugs or alcohol…. but it’s not very popular.
I’ve decided that even if I’m going with a group of girls which I’m sure to have at least one or two arguments with, considering half of them are stiff, prim and proper and the other half are just unagreeable and selfish, I’ve got to have some damn good fun and do some things that I perhaps wouldn’t usually do. Go wild. Let go. When else will I have the chance to?
So in order to get my boring and tame friends doing some fun things I have formulated a small list of things we must do, all of which must have photographic proof:
1. Photo with a statue
2. Photo up a tree
3. Photo in a bin
4. Photo with a stranger
5. Find a guy to wear your undies on the outside
6. Get the number of someone of the same sex (written on a body part)
7. Find a guy wearing bonds undies
8. Lick a pole
9. Draw something on the road
10. Get a stranger to kiss your cheek
11. Get a photo with your hands on a strangers ass
12. Get an application form and have 5 employees fill it out
13. Take a guys shirt and keep it
14. Make a human pyramid in a public place (ie the middle of a drive thru)
15. Get something for free that you didn’t steal
16. Wash a strangers window
17. Score something blue for free
18. Leave your mark on something
19. Be in a public place with just your undies or bra on
20. Kiss a strangers cheek
21. Get on top of a bus stop
22. Score something for free from someone
23. Pash a stranger for 10 seconds (preferably while sober)
24. Score something for free from a servo
25. Get a photo with the number 23
26. Dunny paper someone’s front garden
27. Steal a street sign
28. Go through a drive through pretending your in an imaginary car (or ride a bike)
29. Draw on a stranger’s face while their sleeping
30. Dress up as a bum (and preferably try to find a cardboard box to sit in) with a sign saying “Why lie? I need a beer”
31. Climb into a shop’s window display and pose. Freak out passers by.
32. Run through a shop/store humming the mission impossible theme and act like a spy (add water pistols if you feel like it) OR break out in all the worst dance moves in the food hall.
33. Duct tape someone to the wall… then run away.
34. Steal some rubbish bins/rolly items (ie shopping trolleys) and race them down a hill
35. Get as many people as possible into one phone booth
36. Spend 5 hours straight tied to someone – like in a three legged race.
37. Go up and down in an elevator and greet people as they come in while standing and facing the corner OR instead of facing the front only face the back of the elevator.
38. Make a cheese sandwich and convince a stranger to eat it without showing it to them
39. Hijack a strangers camera and take 50 myspace style or random photos of you and other people that they don’t know and then take one of writing saying hi with your email address
40.  Make friends with a cop and try and get a photo with them doing myspace poses or inside their cop car (preferably not being arrested)
41. Take photos with 10 different strangers and give them bunny ears without them noticing
42. greet people with Mr Dickson’s secret club greeting (the hand gesture)
43. One word: ghosting. See who can last the longest.
44. Put embarrassing items in a stranger’s shopping trolley (ie bulk condoms)/steal it without making a sound when they turn away from it.
45. WAlk up to a complete stranger and convince them that they know you.
46. Move a ‘Caution Wet Floor’ sign to a carpeted area in a shop
47. Go through a drive through and order the meal in another language. When you get to the window ask the person in english why they had so much trouble understanding the order.
48. Relax in couches/on beds for sale until you get kicked out
49. Try busking in a public place by playing the spoons
50. set all the alarm clocks in a store to go off at 10 minute intervals.
So that’s a rather large list. the last 20 were all off the net and the first 30 or so were some I’ve seen my friends do. But realistically, they’re all rather do-able I think. Although it might be slightly problematic to steal a street sign considering the overload of cops that there will be. But hey, why not give it a try? You only live once 🙂

October 28, 2008 Posted by | experiences, friends, fun, idiotic, leavers08, lists | Leave a comment