…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

Quote of the Week # 36

“We are able to find everything in our memory, which is like a dispensary or chemical laboratory in which chance steers our hand sometimes to a soothing drug and sometimes to a dangerous poison.”

– Marcel Proust –
 

Yesterday and today I’ve been taking small trips down memory lane. Not necessarily intentional. Small things trigger it. Mostly about Dom. Sometimes about other things that make me laugh.

Yesterday at lunch we were talking about throwing up and I mentioned there was a time that I threw up stomach lining and the other 3 kept saying when that happens you should be worried and going to the doctors. I had to restrain myself after that and just laugh to myself at my foolishness – that night I had been with Phoebe. I’d been really drunk, had a mini break down to her about how I wasn’t good enough for her even after I’d lost my best friend because of something to do with her. Phoebe was supposed to be looking after me. Instead she left and didn’t tell me until later when I texted her. She got Ivan (her bf at the time) to come get her and she left me with some guy I’d met that night who was all to happy to take advantage of me. I ended up phoning my mum to come get me and spent the rest of the night curled around a toilet not throwing up alcohol – just stomach lining.

But I laughed to myself at that because its just another point where I can easily see she didn’t care.

I’ve held her hair while she was sick and I’ve helped her when drunk on countless occasions in highschool. When we went to a festival later on last year I was on exstacy for the first time and even whilst on that I looked after first Kahli whilst she cried, then Phoebe, then Aimee, and then Phoebe again. And when I tried helping Phoebe – when I helped carry her to the first aid tent and sat with her, and finally rang Dom (on his first night back in town) to come get her – she stopped talking to me and got mad at me because I suggested that DOM come get her and the fact that I had his number. So I gave her space and I kept my distance when he arrived.

I’m sorry I try helping… I really am sometimes.

Anyways.

I had some good memory flash backs too. I was listening to ‘Fix You’ by Coldplay on the bus back from Ha Long Bay the other day and I now think I can pinpoint my single happiest memory out of all the time that I’ve known Dom. It was standing with him in the crowd in the last part of the song where it swells with “tears stream…”. The coloured butterflies were streaming from the roof and floatng down as they played. And I think it is the single most magical moment of my life. I just remember feeling that and looking at Dom. That shared feeling of amazement…. I also had a strong desire to kiss him and secretely wished he would.

But it was just that one amazing moment and looking into his eyes….

… It beats every other memory. Even the ones of times we were actually together….

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July 17, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, emotions, love, Quote of the Week, Quotes by People | Leave a comment

Fighting + Ha Long Bay + DINGUSSSSS!

I forgot to write about how the other day (Sunday night I’m pretty sure) Dom and I ended up having what started as a simple conversation in bed about what was wrong because something had been off that day, and ended up as a mass scale fight resulting in me getting out of bed and sleeping on the floor. The later scale of the fight was all happening just before and around 3am complete with yelling and everything. Dom losing his patience and temper and me just getting upset, giving up and eventually just telling him that he was always mean and I couldn’t put up with it anymore – because he was and is one of the very few people that I won’t fight with. I just give up to save effort because its honestly just SO exhausting and he’s so stubborn that it never gets anywhere. I also told him that him telling me what I’m doing/saying/acting doesn’t make me see he side or convince me in the slightest to do what he is asking (at the time he was trying to get me back into the bed rather than sleeping on the floor by abusing me and telling me I was being stupid… Ok well the move of sleeping on the floor wasn’t exactly smart but he didn’t make getting back into bed an option with his tone of voice and the things he was saying).

Anyways, we ended up sorting out that little spat. I stopped crying after a bit and he held me until I was calm. I love it when he holds me – and that will be the biggest thing I miss at night time. I can forgo the sex easily. Anyways, I think the result was that I was going to stay and that we wouldn’t be “just friends”, we would be more, but at the same time we wouldn’t be quite what we used to be – we’d never get that back.

Since then Dom has been more “touchy feely” and just doing the simple things like brushing my back or touching my shoulder when we’re sitting down. He doesn’t do those things normally, because he’s really not a touchy feely kind of guy, so I don’t know what changed that. I don’t know if it was the conversation that night or if we’re just getting along better. I honestly don’t know. Maybe it’s that Phoebe and his emails have been going downhill/stopped/hit a brick wall. I honestly don’t know but it makes me soooo happy and allows me to fool myself a lot easier about him still caring for me…. Even if one of the things covered the other night WAS the fact that he does not love me romantically anymore at all – ie he’s not in love with me – but that he loves me as in he cares for me. Sort of like how you can care for and love a best friend I guess. I dunno.

I dunno.

Anyways, yesterday we got up ridiculously early, after basically no sleep the night before because of shitty half sleep dreaming and then my stomach fucking up, as per usual, so I get jittery and can’t sit still. So, I got up and sat in the bathroom eating a cheese sandwich and drinking apple juice whilst listening to my iPod and writing the ‘Eclipse’ episode blog post. With roughly 2 hours of shitty half sleep and half an hour of dozing under my belt, we got up and finished last minute packing to head downstairs for the only free breakfast we’ve actually bothered with at our hotel and waiting for the bus to come collect us for Ha Long Bay. Of course, at just past 6am that morning it had started to fucking PISS down with rain – the day that we decided to travel to Ha Long Bay and beaches.

Sick one Vietnam.

So, when the bus rocked up 50 minutes late, we were escorted to it with many umbrellas dashing backwards and forwards with us, but essentially doing nothing. We crammed in (Dom crammed more so than myself considering I’m smaller and more bendable into weird positions on busses). Thus began our slow journey out of Hanoi where apparently they haven’t discovered the modern wonders of street drains (the streets were fucking flooded – no exaggeration cars were buried in water in some areas and mottos were absolutely useless). A number of hours and many pathetic attempts at little naps later, we arrived at the porting area for the big junker boats that heavily populate Ha Long Bay for tourism.

We sat there for almost an hour while Dingus (the overly cheery and stereotype Asian dorky type tour guide who we quickly nicknamed for his incompetence and pure nerve straining annoyingness) finally managed to secure us a boat – that’s right they don’t actually organise one until you get there despite you being booked into an actual tour group. SO we boarded onto a stupid tiny tin boat that would transport us to where it was anchored a couple of hundred metres away. The shitty little transport was of course broken (like everything else in Vietnam) and the tarp over the side we sat was ripped all the way along. Thanks to that, we continued to be sprinkled with the light rain adding to the ridiculous humidity, and then when we finally reached the boat and thought it was over, it sloshed all the roof water down through the rip and out of the whole row of people it landed on lucky ‘ol me. There’s nothing I don’t love more than some dirty roof water. It’s just sooooooo awesome -_-

But nevertheless, we were on board finally and sailing into the bay amongst the islands. Turns out we were dealt a bad hand for the rooms – both Matt and Kristie, and Dom and I got the shittiest smallest cabins I’m fairly sure. Well, I can safely say, they were definitely nothing like the one I had in February when I was here last time. And to top it off, at this time of the year – the hottest – to save on electricity bills they don’t turn on the aircon until night time, which is most definitely not something they specified before the tour, nor enforced last time in February. Oh and did I mention they turn it off at 5.30 in the morning? So, you get to wake up at 7am or earlier in a sweltering mess of disgusting heat and sweat. They could at least leave it running until 7.30 when we were told we had to be up by for breakfast. DO THE DECENT THING VIETNAM! And to think we paid US$98 for this trip (well US$100 if you count the $2 per person bribe to the bus driver to take us straight to the hotel rather than waiting 2+ hours for the others to get back from hiking).

So, now we’re holed up in our hotel rooms on this god forsaken island acting like the tired and rude westerner tourists that I so hate. But I’m that exhausted and sick of this that I have been reduced to this horrifying behaviour. We even paid an extra US$10 each in order to go to the supposedly “better” hotel. I’m perplexed as to what could possibly be better about this one though – the service is poor, the air con is crap, our room has such a strong musty smell that’s making me have hay fever, and my butt is currently trying to tell me that I’d probably be a lot more comfortable sitting and sleeping on the wooden floor rather than the bed – it’s that shit! I’ll be fucked if I know how I’m going to sleep on it tonight, so here’s to the third night in a row of no/shit sleep.

And I forewent going for the “itinery” specified trip to Monkey Island to sit inside with the blinds drawn and attempt to relax. I’m still yet to see such an itinery, and we were never told that even was one. I know it completely defeats the purpose of being in another country to do this, and paying good money to go on a tour, but I’m that exhausted and fed up that I care very little.

Today at lunch Dom asked Kristie and I if we would enjoy traveling here more if we weren’t with them and their constant pessimism/complaining. I pointed out that there was no way I would even be here if it wasn’t for them – I didn’t come here for the country, I came to see them. That’s it. Because I said to myself after my tour here in Feb that I would be more than happy if I never ever returned to Vietnam. I had made up my mind long ago that I hated this country and it’s people and I warned the boys that it was shit (but they had to experience it for themselves, and now that they have, they completely agree). I mean sure, traveling with these guys makes Vietnam seem that little bit worse, but I don’t care about that because I already hate the country. I travel with them because its them that I love hanging out with – simply sitting there eating a meal is hilarious with them and forcing them to watch shitty movies like Mama Mia becomes comedy central. That’s why I came (and why I’m still here despite everything that has happened.

Anyways, the M&Ms have just run out and Dom has already commented on how freaking long this is twice already. So I shall leave it here for today and maybe see what other shitty McShit movies are on offer at the moment on TV.

I never thought I’d say it, because I hate this country so much, but I can’t wait to get back to Hanoi.

(Although I’d prefer to be in Wanaka at the moment… *sigh* if only)

Xin Chao.

I’m outee for now.

July 14, 2010 Posted by | confusing!!, emotions, experiences, idiotic, love, Personal, Vietnam Trip with the Boys, Vietnam Trip with the Boys | Leave a comment

FUCK Twilight’s Eclipse and it’s Parrallels

Tonight we went to see the Twilght Saga’s third movie ‘Eclipse’.

Now I’m fairly impartial to the series and admittedly I read all the books super fast because at the time I really like them. I don’t mind the series at all and I’ve watched the first movie a ridiculous amount of times, however the last movie and this one (under a new director) really just don’t do it for me.

But watching it TONIGHT in particular, it really didn’t. I found myself wanting to scream at the screen whilst simultaneously wanting to shout at Dom afterwards as well. I actually had to restrain myself from getting up and walking out of the cinema at a couple of points, and I did so because I didn’t want to make a scene. Instead I had to be content with my effort not to cry, looking away at the glaring “EXIT” sign and pulling the top of my coke can apart. Its because of these recent few days, and everything which has come up as a result, that made me see it in a different light.

Here’s the thing with this movie: Bella loves Edward and has promised him a future. But she fucks Jacob over as well because she tries to “protect” him by lying (stupid lying cheating whore) and giving him false hope. And watching it this time round that struck too close to home.

Sound familiar at all to you?

Afterwards Kristie and I casually said in the book you naturally love and pick Edward, but in the movies, you would sooooooo totally pick Jacob because damnnnn he is FINE! Dom piped in at this point saying no way, Edward is way better, and Jacob is all whiney and a douche. He also added it was because Edward was willing to sacrifice everything for her whereas Jacob wasn’t prepared to sacrifice anything.

I wanted to argue that that was crap – Edward says that he’ll sacrifice anything and everything but it’s easy to say that when you know you won’t have to because you KNOW you’ve already got the girl – that they’re YOURS. Jacob on the other hand doesn’t have that, but he fights for her. He fights for THEM together, hoping like hell he could be enough to win her over and keep her. He gets so close only to have her turn away again because Edward comes back and says I want you again. Jacob will ALWAYS feel like the second choice because he IS the second choice but at least he fights for her. At least he tried his hardest and he gave her everything he has. Even when they were really close she was using him. And she constantly treats him like shit. Even after she lies to him like a whore and gives him false hope to “protect” him, and he finds out that, he still holds out for her:

Bella: “You know I love you.”
Jacob: “You know how much I wish it was enough.”
Bella: “Should I come back?”
Jacob: “I need some time… But I’ll always be waiting.”
Bella: *laughs quietly and whispers* “Until my heart stops beating.”
Jacob: *pauses* “Maybe even then.”

So yeah, totally shame on Jacob Black for HOPING and wishing like hell that she can actually learn to appreciate him. That she will one day choose him instead of the guy that leaves her and then comes back into her life only to be overly jealous of the other person she’s become close to – in the book Esward even tries to stop her seeing Jacob.

Once again I can just find so many parallels. Even if it is in the pathetic stories of the overly moody Edward, Bella and Jacob of Twilight.

And if u don’t like Twilight you can kiss my ass. I’m not a die hard fan, I just know when something makes me feel uncomfortable at how similar it is to aspects of my life.

Now by this stage its probably pretty obvious who I see myself as in this scenario. and no, its NOT Bella. They have their triangle and I have my triangle.

The only brightside is that eventually Jacob imprints (finds THE one for him/soul mate). I’m choosing to ignore the fact that its Edward and Bella’s kid that he imprints on, because to parallel that in MY life that would be fucking disturbing… But maybe that means if THEY end up together, I get to find someone who will blow my mind away and that I’LL be happy with.

And yes I’m well aware of the fact that writing about my “teen dramas” in my love life through the use of Twilight takes this post to a whole new level of super gay angst, but I’ve had roughly two and a half hours of DISTURBED sleep and I’m beyond caring.
So deal with it.

July 12, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, epiphany, friends, love, moods, movies, observation, Personal | Leave a comment

Quote of the week # 35

“Love grows where trust is laid, and love dies where trust is betrayed.”

– unknown –


“Happiness serves hardly any other purpose than to make unhappiness possible.”

– Marcel Proust –

July 9, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, experiences, life, love, moods, observation | Leave a comment

a reminder

If I get old remind me of this

                    That night we kissed and I really meant it

                                      Whatever happens if we’re still speaking

Pick up the phone              

Play me this song .
 

..::a.reminder.radiohead::..

June 2, 2010 Posted by | emotions, life, love | 1 Comment

Go figure…

I don’t know why, but somehow I just managed to get so worked up again, and I ended up writing out what I wish I would say to Phoebe. I think I’ve been building it in my head for a long time, but I’ve never said any of it because it’s all me being angry and saying that for once she needed to look at herself instead of blaming me. I never said any of that stuff to her because I always thought I was largely at fault, therefore had to take to the fault and I always had to be nice to her and tip toe around her.

So I never let out any of my frustration.

Well this would do it if I could say it. It took me 3 hours and 8 pages. 

So…What now? Do I move on?

May 19, 2010 Posted by | emotions, friends, life, love, moods | 1 Comment

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25 10 02 02 03 10 29 09

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

E2P   “Because I could tell you” 

May 14, 2010 Posted by | just a quick note, love | Leave a comment