…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

time to be free

Mel just facebook messaged me asking me why I had only removed her, Aimee, Hayley and Phoebe from my friends on Facebook. In other words, why not Kahli and Sammy as well. So I messaged her back saying that it was because both Kahli and Sammy had both messaged me individually away from the conversation with everyone in it, and they’d both seemed like they at least wanted to try to get past this.

And writing that just then, made me feel like it has all become so incredibly juvie and highschool… which it has. I know it has. But I originally deleted them on facebook because my entire status feed was full of photos of them being happy and fine and having a good time, and call me petty, but I don’t want to see that. It was painful at the time because I knew I couldn’t be a part of it… plus that I don’t feel like going out and clubbing and being happy like that.

Anyways, I didn’t delete Kahli or Sammy, instead I just hid them from my status feed (which I didn’t even realise you could do until I’d deleted all the other girls – otherwise I would have just done that to them as well). 

But the thing is, yesterday I had a bit of a revelation – that I don’t think I even want to be a part of it anymore. I’m sick of the games and trying to please them – I don’t have to do that with my other friends. They don’t give a shit how I act. But these girls, it’s like if you don’t toe the line, then your out. And quite frankly, why do I even want to be friends with girls that throw away my friendship so easily – especially when they do it because someone else in the group did it.

I’m just sick of it.

I really am.

When I think about what makes me depressed – they’re it. Well I mean obviously they’re not the only cause, but they’re a huge factor. I know they’re all very nice girls in their own way and even nicer, I’m sure, if your the one that they’re worshipping. But if you’re on the edge of the circle the whole time your friends and then kicked out when something bad happens, that should be it. That should be the time you stop trying, wake up and see how much they’ve treated you like shit.

I’m over it. I’m over trying to please them all. I’m over trying to fit in. I’m over being scared that one of them will tell all the others something I confided in them and that chinese whispers will ensue. I’m exhausted of over thinking everything I do for their sakes to make sure I don’t upset them. And I’m so totally over being angry at the last few years.

It’s done. I’m moving on.

I just hope that if Mel decides she wants to be friends and try moving on that I don’t get sucked back into all of that. The thing about Mel is that I’ve never really known her real personality (if she has one, which I’m sure she does). I’ve only ever known the Mel that pleases everyone and as a result, changes to act how each of those people would prefer each time she’s with them.

I  just don’t want to be back in the game again. Time to start appreciating the friends that I do have who will both be there for me and who don’t make me act carefully when I’m around them or over think everything I do.

June 4, 2010 Posted by | epiphany, friends, people, Personal | 1 Comment

Old Photos: Cambodia

So I was going through some of my photos from Cambodia the other day, searching for all the ones from the temples to match the posts that I put up recently, and whilst I was in the files, I found all these ones and realised that I never posted them up. So here they are: my photos from a small rural make shift shanty shack “town”. These people have nothing – no food, no money and no where to go. They create their little houses on the slopes between the government owned road and the privately owned fields: No man’s land. They’re squatters in a third world country with no prospects. C.H.O.I.C.E. is a volunteer organisation that takes other volunteers (usually travelers passing through Phnom Penh that hear about it) out to deliver donated food and to give medical care.

They need help.

 

 

C.H.O.I.C.E. VOLUNTEER FOOD RUN JANUARY 2010


These are two of my favourite images from all the photos I took that day.

 

 

 

 

(pity this one didn’t quite focus properly)

 

 


 


 

 

The funny part is the fact that, despite having absolutely nothing, these are some of the happiest people you’ll probably meet in Cambodia. They’re always over the moon when the volunteers come through because they’re always foreigners and so something completely different to what they’re used to. They have a laugh and a joke, and most of all, they’ll ask you to take their photo – and then show them straight afterwards. All they want is a little attention and care. Some happy time that helps them escape the reality of their lives, even if just for an hour.

It was the same with the kids from the orphanage. They might have had no families, or bad back grounds, but those kids were the happiest kids I’ve seen in a long time. They appreciate life unlike children in Western societies. They see new family, new hope and a chance to enjoy life where they couldn’t before. They’re happy, and it spreads happiness.

.

May 17, 2010 Posted by | Cambodia/Vietnam Trip, people, photography, Travel | 3 Comments

Quote of the Week #29

‘I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from ‘A’ to where you’d be
It’s only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I’d find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I’ve found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I’m miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms’

– ‘Set Fire to the Third Bar’ by Snow Patrol –

 

It’s been a week and a half since Dom left, but it feels like it’s been so much longer. Like it’s been weeks and weeks. This picture is pretty much how I feel at the moment – like I’m miles away from everyone else and not still in the main picture. I guess that’s how I like it at the moment.

It allows me to put on my playlist of songs that are basically like emotionally cutting. Or to watch only the movies that I watched with him over and over again. Or to sit there for hours editing photos of the last days with him that I’ve been slowly receiving from various people since he left. They’re all just painful to do because they have so many memories attattched to all of them.

But is it bad to want that pain? Because it reminds me of what was and keeps the memories close. Like if I let go of the pain, will the memories slowly start to disappear as well? 

I wish I literally had a house up in the sky like that (and that it was possible to survive there). I sort of feel like I’m suffocating here, but that’s possibly because I’ve been staying in my room for such long periods of time at the moment. Half the time I haven’t even been going out during the day. Instead I stay up all night until 7am when it starts to get light and then sleep until 4pm when it starts to get dark. It’s not like I have much to do anyway – university and that’s it, and it’s not like I’m really even going to that – I don’t even go to all my compulsory classes! No work at the moment. No other obligations.

I want a house in the sky.

May 7, 2010 Posted by | emotions, experiences, just a quick note, love, moods, people, Personal, Quote of the Week | Leave a comment

This is shit.

Well basically today has just been a bad day. I went to bed at 8.30am (for now particular reason at all), woke up at 9.30am sick, and finally got back to sleep only to be awoken by the alarm clock at 11.30am. I put off getting up until I had to at 12.30 and just dozed for the hour, but overall it was one of the shittest sleeps I’ve had lately.

I had to get up though because today was Car Rally – a college event where we all race around the city doing different challenges in teams and all dressed up in a theme per group. Erin chose Peter Pan for our team so I was Captain Hook… not that amazing considering a pirate costume is a pretty standard dress up.

But I just really wasn’t in the mood today. It doesn’t help that I was tired, but recently all I’ve wanted to do is just sleep all day and not get up when I do wake up. So today, when I had to get up and try to be all sociable and fun (something I’ve avoided at large recently), it didn’t go down so well and I just ended up tired and depressed.

To make matters worse, I was just missing Dom the whole time.

When we got to the final destination of Car Rally (Tess’s property and the barn), that’s where everyone had headed and so there was bulk people – most drunk and overly enthusiastic/happy/energetic. Nothing makes me withdraw more when I’m in a mood like that than having people like that around. I didn’t really want to go to the final destination at all and I slept in the car on the way there, but seeing as there was 5 of us in the car and I was the only one that didn’t want to go, that didn’t really work out… Plus Erin, who was driving, planned on going there and getting positively smashed and sleeping the night (like a lot of people), so I was stuck for a lift home tonight anyway.

Eventually, I managed to scab a lift back to college and I was asleep before midnight – which was a first for me in heaven knows how long. But I woke up again at 3.30am – hence why I’m awake.

It’s just that while I was at the party at Tess’s, I was just sitting there thinking about Dom and I wanted nothing more than to just have him there and sitting next to the bonfire with his arms around me. I miss that feeling so much. And I kept remembering the feeling of him holding my hand to wake me up on the last day when he came into the spare room where I’d fallen asleep in the morning due to me being sick. I was sound asleep dreaming but I could feel my hand being gripped or tugged in my dream and it woke me, and there he was. He was sitting in front of me holding my hand and his face was the first thing I saw when I woke up.

I’d give anything for that again.

I hate this. And I hate being stuck here. I’m making plans to leave… at least temporarily.

May 2, 2010 Posted by | college, depression, emotions, just a quick note, life, love, moods, people, Personal | 1 Comment

Dom and Matt should be arriving in Singapore around now.

.

.

I love you.

Know that.

.

.

April 28, 2010 Posted by | life, love, people, Personal | 1 Comment

I can’t do it.

I went to the airport and at first it was an abysmal mess and then it got better. Until the boys left and I had to say goodbye to Dom. Come to think of it, Matt didn’t even say goodbye to me… but that’s probably because I attatched myself to Dom.

It’s so surreal. It doesn’t feel like they’re gone. Like that’s it. Like it’s the end.

And then I read the letter he wrote. And the constant soft crying turned to absolute hysterics alone in my car at the balcony under the road lamp.

When I finally manage to lose myself to zombie mode and drive at no faster than 80km/h the entire way down the freeway, I get back to college and lose it again because I walk to my room and see a box of things (presents and cards). I’m already crying again, hardly manage to open the door and hysterics begin again on my best friends shoulder as we sit there in the dark. She cried with me.

Then I put the playlist on.

I said before that the drawings on the wall all those years ago were the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me. I take it back. The box was.

.

.

But I don’t want to do this.

It’s too hard.

I don’t want to.

April 28, 2010 Posted by | depression, emotions, experiences, just a quick note, life, love, people, Personal | Leave a comment

I dunno…

I know how stupid it sounds that I’m upset but I dunno. Maybe its just because I just woke up and so I get more emotional quicker. But I would have never said that before.

Tonight I was heading up north around my mums house for a good friday barbeque and I said to Dom that ihe should totally come to my mums after and we could make a night of it and I could at least see him for a short time, even if it would be late and I’d have to get up early for work. It’d still be worth it to me.

Anyway, he texted me tonight saying that he was going to stay at his best friends house until 12 instead and THEN he would come see me. He suggested I have a sleep first before he got there. At first I felt kind of cheap. Then I just ignored that and was like ok whatever but its kind of silly because what if I don’t wake up?

Anyway, I leave the bbq and go see another friend, but leave hers at 11.10 so I can get back to my mums house and be there for when dom got there. I hadn’t brought anything from college with me to do coz I thought dom would be coming straight over so I sat there reading some dvd covers from asia for a while and then eventually when it was 11.47pm I laid down to rest my eyes while I waited the last couple of minutes.

I fell asleep.

I wake at 3.35am alone to find 1 missed call and 3 messages:

12.55: ‘Be there in like twenty min :)’
12.08: ‘Hmmm you’ve fallen asleep… I’m sorry. I love you sweet dreams…’
12.18: ‘I watched your window… But you didn’t stir. Love you’

Waking up alone is a horrible feeling. Especially when you spent all night waiting to see the one person you wanted beside you. When I woke up and realised the time I just felt so rejected and alone.

The thing is, earlier on in the night I txted him saying that if he didn’t want to do this tonight because he wanted to stay at his shindig then that was fine, but he just had to tell me around 11ish because I wouldn’t stay at my mums house – I’d drive back to college. He knows I don’t like staying here and that I only do it so he can stay here too. Its also more stressful to have to drive from here to work in the morning coz its further out. I would have gone back home (college) if I’d know it wouldn’t work out. I don’t want to be in this house. I only do it for him.

The worst part is the fact that he’s leaving for good in just over 3 weeks now and as much as I’m trying to convince myself that I’m going to be ok about it, I KNOW I’m going to be a wreck. I’m going to miss him so much. And that’s an understatement.

But I don’t think it means much to him. The other day when I saw him, the whole time it was just like he really didn’t care. The highlight of the night was when he was talking about his best friend matt. He was saying that matt had seemed distracted lately and it was like he wasn’t as focused on the trip (which was a bad thing). Then dom said “maybe it’s he actually DOES love kristie” (matt’s gf).

But that just made me feel like shit. I mean how was I supposed to feel?! He was saying that matt was distracted from the trip by the fact that he loved someone… But dom made it sound like a terrible thing – something that definitely would happen to him! Doms supposed to have been in love woth me for the last six months – the entirety of our relationship but I don’t think it affects him at all. It doesn’t make him want to stay. It doesn’t make him sad to leave.

Heck, some days I don’t even think he loves me anymore, but instead he’s just sticking around coz there’s not long to go and there’s no one else around, so why not?

When we go out the only times he’s really affectionate to me – actually its the only times we go out really – is when matt and krisite come tooand he spends more time laughing with them. Every other time we’re somewhere he won’t naturally hug me or kiss me or get me to sit against him. Its like only when there are others around showing affection that he will show me any. The rest of the time I just feel like there must be something wrong with me.

I dunno.

Maybe I’m just crazy and waaaaay too overly emotional. I don’t know if that’s just the fact that I’m in a relationship or if its a side effect of the pill or what. I never used to be like this. Then again I never used to allow myself to be set up for constant pain by being in a relationship and giving myself to someone. I was always smart and avoided that before. But now. I dunno.

I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. My self esteem has plumeted and I feel like there’s something wrong with me that he just doesn’t love anymore.

And whilst I’m aware that there’s a good chance that he may read this sometime soon, I guess I’m just hoping he won’t. He usually doesn’t read anything that I write on here that’s even remotely long. I wouldn’t write it up here… But its my only blog site and its my inly outlet these days. I don’t have any true best friends and the old friends that I used to hang with all the way through high school don’t talk about me and him. Its a voodoo subject seeing as one of them used to date him basically 4 years ago.

I have no one to talk to about it. I don’t think my family will even be there for me when he leaves. I’ll get to have fun dealing with it on my own.

Anyways I’m going to go to bed coz I’m now sufficiently emotionally exhausted, I was already dehydrated enough before this and I do kind of rely (at least in part) on my face for marketing so I’d rather it not just be one big puffy ball tomoro at work.

Goodnight.

Actually, on second thoughts….

Night.

(Or as he would say ‘its going to have to be sunday or something.’ ‘Msg me tomorrow’)

oh ps. did i mention he planned a trip to one the holiday places they go every year. Him Matt and their friend Mike were goign to go. Possibly Dom’s ex girlfriend as well. I dont’t know. They planned to go there on the couple of nights before he leaves for good. Now call me crazy, but I though I might atleast get to spend the last week with him – or at least the last couple of DAYS. But no. The girl he supposedly loves gets only one day. One.

The week before I went to Asia in summer he spent the entire week sleeping at my house every night so we could be together and I’d have to say that was honestly probably the best point in our relationship. I was only going away for two and a half months and he was there every night. I didn’t do anything with any one else so that he could. He goes away for fucking forever and I get to stay one night with him seeing as he was kind enough to reserve it for me. Although I’m quite sure he’ll have other people to see on that night anyway.

I think the part that hurt the most about it though was the fact that I don’t think he would have even considered or thought about me when he decided it. I’m not a factor in his life really. And even after he’d decided it, he didn’t tell me. Now, I’m not saying he has to tell me something every time he decides something because it’s nothing to do with me and I’m not a control freak like that. But it would have been nice if he’d said something like, “Hey the boys and I are going to [this place] for a couple of days before I go, but I can still see you on the last day and the days before that.” He could have just told me that I was being cut rather than me finding it out from the Facebook feeder…

April 3, 2010 Posted by | disapointment, emotions, experiences, just a quick note, love, moods, observation, people, Personal | Leave a comment