…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

Quote of the Week # 36

“We are able to find everything in our memory, which is like a dispensary or chemical laboratory in which chance steers our hand sometimes to a soothing drug and sometimes to a dangerous poison.”

– Marcel Proust –
 

Yesterday and today I’ve been taking small trips down memory lane. Not necessarily intentional. Small things trigger it. Mostly about Dom. Sometimes about other things that make me laugh.

Yesterday at lunch we were talking about throwing up and I mentioned there was a time that I threw up stomach lining and the other 3 kept saying when that happens you should be worried and going to the doctors. I had to restrain myself after that and just laugh to myself at my foolishness – that night I had been with Phoebe. I’d been really drunk, had a mini break down to her about how I wasn’t good enough for her even after I’d lost my best friend because of something to do with her. Phoebe was supposed to be looking after me. Instead she left and didn’t tell me until later when I texted her. She got Ivan (her bf at the time) to come get her and she left me with some guy I’d met that night who was all to happy to take advantage of me. I ended up phoning my mum to come get me and spent the rest of the night curled around a toilet not throwing up alcohol – just stomach lining.

But I laughed to myself at that because its just another point where I can easily see she didn’t care.

I’ve held her hair while she was sick and I’ve helped her when drunk on countless occasions in highschool. When we went to a festival later on last year I was on exstacy for the first time and even whilst on that I looked after first Kahli whilst she cried, then Phoebe, then Aimee, and then Phoebe again. And when I tried helping Phoebe – when I helped carry her to the first aid tent and sat with her, and finally rang Dom (on his first night back in town) to come get her – she stopped talking to me and got mad at me because I suggested that DOM come get her and the fact that I had his number. So I gave her space and I kept my distance when he arrived.

I’m sorry I try helping… I really am sometimes.

Anyways.

I had some good memory flash backs too. I was listening to ‘Fix You’ by Coldplay on the bus back from Ha Long Bay the other day and I now think I can pinpoint my single happiest memory out of all the time that I’ve known Dom. It was standing with him in the crowd in the last part of the song where it swells with “tears stream…”. The coloured butterflies were streaming from the roof and floatng down as they played. And I think it is the single most magical moment of my life. I just remember feeling that and looking at Dom. That shared feeling of amazement…. I also had a strong desire to kiss him and secretely wished he would.

But it was just that one amazing moment and looking into his eyes….

… It beats every other memory. Even the ones of times we were actually together….

July 17, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, emotions, love, Quote of the Week, Quotes by People | Leave a comment

Quote of the Week #34

 

“What you’ve done becomes the judge of what you’re going to do – especially in other people’s minds. When you’re traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don’t have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.”

– William Least Heat Moon

 

That’s what I love about travelling – if you go somewhere else you can be a completely different person. You can completely reinvent yourself if you want. Maybe that’s why I’m looking forward to Canberra – no one knows me. I can go there and have a good time acting confident and happy – because no one will know any different. There’s no one to rip me for something stupid I’ve done or pull me down for past mistakes. I’ll be free in a sense.

I love travel.

I really do.

Bring on the holidays and getting away from reality for a while 😀

June 18, 2010 Posted by | Quote of the Week, Quotes by People, Travel | Leave a comment

Premature quote of the week?

“Life’s a bitch. Then you die.”


I can’t get anything right.

 Apologies.


And now I have a headache and I’m dehydrated.
Sick..

 


That’s all.

June 17, 2010 Posted by | depression, disapointment, Quote of the Week | Leave a comment

Quote of the Week #33

This one here is a travel quote that I found once, although as much as it applies to travel and adventure, I find that it also applies more than adequately to life in general. This one goes out to someone who is traveling and somewhat conflicted about action (*cough* “Matt” *cough*)

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”  

– Mark Twain –

So the point to that one was do it. Just do it. Because you will regret it like no tomorrow if you do not. Pain as a result of one option is sure to be bother great and inevitable, but the pain and regret of the other option shall be far greater…. in my nosy out of place opinion anyhow.



This second part is a quote (in the picture) which sums up how I’ve been feeling a bit this year – like I just need to be out there in the world. I’m restless and seeing this picture restored in me a flame of desire to be in conflict zones reporting the atrocities and experiencing life from a completely different perspective.

I know it is horrible to say it, but I prefer the company of those who have not experienced luxuries and over zealousness. I will not go as far as to say I prefer the poor, but I find the company of those they receive almost all they ever wish for to be tiring due to their often spoilt demeanor and their more often than not lack of care for those who are less fortunate.

Having said that, I know that I can not claim that I am any better than them, for I know I am not. But it is my opinion that those who do not get all they desire are more humble and simply happy. They can teach others a great many things simply because they know the joys that can be found in even the tiniest things. They appreciate life, because for them, it’s not guaranteed like it is, in a sense, for the wealthy. Life is simpler and happier.

June 11, 2010 Posted by | photography, pictures, Quote of the Week, Quotes by People, war | Leave a comment

Quote of the Week #32

“And when the future hinges on the next words that are said, don’t let logic interfere, believe in your heart instead.”

– Philip Robinson

 

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.”

– Alex Tan

 

Two quotes for today. I won’t bother explaining them though. I think they do that themselves. Plus I’ve been told my blog is too depressing, and I wouldn’t want to add to that with another story here. So there it is. That’s the end. Enjoy.

June 6, 2010 Posted by | observation, Quote of the Week, Quotes by People | Leave a comment

Quote of the Week #31

I only realised today that I have lapsed in both writing in general and my quote of the week. so to make up for last weeks (which would have no doubt been down right depressing considering all that was happening at the time – I’ll explain another time), I’m putting out two quotes this week. It seems to be becoming a bit of a habit to have more than one quote, but from now on, no more. Grr.

‘Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return.’

TH White

 

‘There is no privacy that cannot be penetrated, no secret can be kept in a civilised world. Society is a masked ball, where everyone hides his real character, then reveals it by hiding.’

Ralph Waldorf Emmerson

 

Three guesses what they connect to… and if you can’t guess it then wait a while and I’ll eventually write up some epic posts about the last week and a half. For now though, I’m off to bed because I’m tired and after six and a half hours of procrastinating, I think it’s clear I’m not getting any work done at the moment. On the bright side, my room is very clean and I have a large number of new movies downloaded. Yay.

Please and thank you 🙂 xx

May 29, 2010 Posted by | Quote of the Week, Quotes by People | Leave a comment

Quote of the Week #30

This week is one for many quotes. Many quotes because I don’t know how I feel and I don’t know what I want to say. Nor do I know what I want to do or what I should do to change it… Just like I wrote in one of my earlier posts (ummm)… The first quote probably sums that up the best. It is just totally my mood at the moment. The second quote is along the same lines again.

 

“If you want to realise your own importance, put your finger into a bowl of water, take it out and look at the hole.”

– Robert Burdette –

 

 

“Try to realize it’s all within yourself no one else can make you change, and to see you’re only very small and life flows on within you and without you.”

– George Harrison –

 

The next quote is something else. I haven’t written much on this blog about the recent events with Phoebe (I think she was code named as Mel). Basically, I went to talk to her two weeks ago about what had happened at the airport – that she had neither spoken to me or even recognised my presence (aside from crying the moment she got out of the car and saw me). Dom had known it would be awkward and stressed that he didn’t want a scene because the night was supposed to be about the boys. So I went along with that, because I wanted him to be happy and he was right. In the spirit of keeping things positive and friendly, I invited her to my house to help make a banner for the boys with Kristie (Matt’s girlfriend) and their friend Mike. She replied with a cold message saying “no thanks”. That was it.

When I went to see her after that, it was to ask if we were still friends anymore, because I honestly just didn’t know. I said that I was sorry she didn’t like Dom and I being together, but that I thought we should be able to move past it. I also told her that she was the one person I had thought would understand my pain after Dom left, for she had loved him once and she claimed that she never got over him (despite being the one that broke up with him, refusing him numerous times after that and being in love with another boy for the past two and a half years). It ended with her saying she could try, to which I replied that one shouldn’t have to try to be friends or feel obliged. One should only be friends with someone if they want to. She said that she didn’t know if she wanted to be my friend anymore. So I said I’d leave.

She sent me a message saying she was sorry I was hurting, but that she couldn’t stand being lied to. That stuck in me for some unknown reason, so I went back and I told her everything. Everything from the start at the end of year 10 until now. That Dom and I had dated back then (for all of like 3 weeks) and that she had broken us up without her knowing it. I told her things that no one else knew. Not even Dom. And I knew when I told her that she wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore, and as such, I would lose an entire group of friends – just as I had known that in year 11, hence why I had never told her. It was folly to think, that since she had moved onto someone else and now that it was been almost four years since she broke up with him (and that at the time she and Kahli had both told me on separate occasions that the reason was because she didn’t love him anymore and that she liked Leigh – one of Chris’ best friends), that anything would be different and that she would be changed in her resolve. Nothing changes.

So instead I focused on emphasising the fact that Dom had wanted to tell her, that he still loved her and always would. At least he might be able to remain friends with her even if I did damn my own friendship to hell. And it’s funny, because after all this happened, she emailed him as I knew she would and Dom said that she had told him she still loved him. And honestly, my first thought was that she had thrown herself at him and said she wanted to be with him now (despite the fact that he’d just left), and I wasn’t surprised. It was like year 11 all over again. After she had seen me talking to him a lot on myspace (no not in person – just on the computer) she had said I couldn’t be friends with her anymore. The following holidays her and Dom had kissed. She told me upon her return that she regretted it – and that she told him that it was a big mistake and that she didn’t think it would work. It had been heartbreaking then and it would have been even more so now. There was so much more at stake and my self doubts managed to seep in again.

Dom did point out though that everything would work out for them. She still loved him and he her, so she couldn’t stop being his friend. They would always be friends…. make of that as you will from my point of view.

And it’s even funnier, because the other day I was going through some old things from year 11 and it had a whole pile of things that she’d said to me. She sent me a message once saying,

“u took away probably the only guy that is ever gonna love me-yea he told me he loved me wnd always wood-but he doesnt anymore bcoz he has moved onto you.and that hurts me so badly and it makes me so angry at you.u shouldnt have gotten close to him becoz u knew we had a history! im just hurt so badly that i dunno if i can forgive u.right now i just get angry being around u”

…And following that was my replies saying that I was sorry and never thought she’d take it like this and I’d do anything to make it right and then her simply saying that there was nothing I could do. the last message was from me saying I understood, and that I would always be there for her if she needed me. That I would be waiting there to be her friend. That I was sorry. But I also wrote something else later on about Dom (to myself, not to Phoebe). He said Phoebe had asked him who he would choose out of her or me. He said her… he told me later on that it was beginning to change because of the way she was acting about it all. But he chose her. Not me.

And I guess that was right. I dunno. I’m not one to make a judgment over it because I wouldn’t want him to have to choose. It’s not fair to do that to someone. At the same time, it hurt me then… and I guess it did again when I re-read it.  It was like an automatic pop up for my old insecurities. But he did choose her, and yet she never let go of the whole thing. Maybe she is just as insecure as me? I don’t know. Sometimes I think she wants him to be like her lapdog – always following her and waiting for affection when she knows she won’t give it. Like he’s her way to feel good about herself, because he’s someone who wants her. It’s wouldn’t be fair on him. But the truth is, I have no idea how she feels. She’s never really talked to me about it – only Dom. And he isn’t very forthcoming with details about what she says because he thinks it has nothing to do with me, and that it’s between him and her. I think that always contributed to my insecurities because it was as though they had their secrets about it all. Maybe that’s karma for me keeping things a secret from her and Dom just gets to be the lucky one in between us who knows all. But at the same time, it’s not Dom’s fault. He shouldn’t be the one that tells me it anyway. I wish she would feel like she could talk to me. I just wish I knew more of what was going on.

But that message, that was it for year 11. Just as my conversation with her two weeks ago will probably be it for forever.

Part of me wonders why I’m still going on about this. Why I can’t let it go. Maybe it’s because I can’t stand the thought of letting go of an entire friend group that I spent five years sacrificing myself piece by piece to. But is that really a reason to stay friends with a group? Because I don’t want to waste five years of effort? It’s true, I still love those girls and I don’t want to let them go because I had so many good times with them, but why am I the one that has to continuously make the effort for them. Not once have they come through for me. Since I moved to college, not once have they come to see me – except Phoebe and Mel who came to a Pre party for drinks because it was convenient.

In year 11 I broke up with and stop talking to the only boy that made me laugh – for her. I spent the next couple of months in social exile without friends, spending most of my time in the library at lunch instead. I can still remember the party I went to where she spoke to me for the first time since it all happened. I remember my feeling of joy and pure bliss. Turning to Mel and seeing a matching smile that hopefully it was all over. Of course, she was drunk that night and she hadn’t meant it when she’d said sorry and still wanted to be friends. Things went back to how they were again and she would neither talk nor look at me – and no-one else was to either. After things went back to being close to how they once had been, it wasn’t the same anyway. The following years brought little joy and the entire time was “how do I make her happy?”. At school leavers after year 12 I was the one told that her boyfriend had cheated on her. So, I told her, not wanting to keep a secret from her, and she blamed me for it, pushed me away and forgave him. He then had a vendetta against me for having dobbed on him, and bad mouthed me for the rest of the relationship – so she pushed me away more. Finally, when my best friend (Jane), who would have done anything in the world for me, gave her boyfriend a hand job one night whilst drunk, me and Mel were the ones who forced him to tell her, or we were going to so she could know the truth. I stopped talking to my best friend and essentially chose Phoebe over her, but still, I was pushed away. 

I just don’t understand it all. I have sacrificed so much for Phoebe, and she still doesn’t give a damn about me…

… So why do I keep trying? and why can’t I let it go. She doesn’t want to be friends with me and that’s it. Maybe it’s just karma for what I did to Jane. I don’t know. But I can’t seem to let it go. Just like Jane hasn’t been able to even a year and a half later. She fell into a depression and became a complete druggie.

I think all this stuff between Dom Phoebe and me is just starting to consume me and it’s not healthy… Anyway. Enough of my long-winded writing. Here’s the quote that started my ranting:

“Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself – and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is.”

 

– Jim Morrison –


I know it’s probably just that I’m stuck in a rut and that my mind isn’t up to scratch at the moment, it’s just that nothing seems to be going right. I’ve lost all my focus and direction, my plans for studying abroad and traveling are slowly coming undone, my new plans just delay my life goals, I don’t know what I want and I don’t know where to go. Maybe that’s the way it always is. Everything is always black…. and I have a head ache now.

This sums it all up really.

“Yesterday’s just a memory, tomorrow is never what it’s supposed to be.”

 

– Bob Dylan –

.

May 14, 2010 Posted by | just a quick note, moods, Personal, Quote of the Week, Quotes by People | 1 Comment