…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

Quote of the Week #19

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

– Buddha

October 2, 2009 Posted by | Quote of the Week, Quotes by People, Sayings, secrets | Leave a comment

Procrastination and over thinking things…

I think I may have a small problem when it comes to guys… I’m beginning to notice a trend, which I really don’t like and don’t want to be true at all. I’ve noticed lately that I seem to have an attraction to guys that I eventually find out are already taken. Of course, with my Boss I knew he was in a relationship before the crush developed, so that was an exception. But is it purely coincidence that as soon as he was almost available I moved on from the 3 year long obsession? I cannot ignore the fact that there were certain events which culminated in me moving on, and I’m sure that I’m just trying to connect this up to fit my new trend. That’s the way the mind works after all – piecing things together to fit into new theories that can scare ourselves.

It’s not only my boss though. At my first tutorial for second year creative writing, the first guy that I met was slightly older than me, but nice nonetheless. I know it sounds foolish, but I felt like there was a connection between us, and since then it has been 3 hours every Tuesday of watching out the corner of my eyes for when he stares at me, or me listening intently to what he says. At the first tutorial, I hadn’t noticed that he was wearing a wedding ring on his finger, but the next week I did. While he was talking, he mentioned briefly something about wanting to write about the last year that he spent in Africa with his wife. As he said this, he looked straight at me… and yet I know he stares too. It’s even stranger because of not only that, but I think he also slightly reminds me of my boss. He’s been in the army, he’s buff, and he’s been the state champion at hang gliding for the last 5 years. Amazing no?

However, two’s not enough is it? Another example: the first guy that I met from my college. Last year at a party I met a small group of people from my college at a party of a mutual friend who goes to another college. I was instantly drawn to him and out of the few people I had met from the college that night, he was the one that had stuck in my memory and the only one I had thought ‘”what if…?” about. I had looked forward to seeing him again when I came to college, but alas, he has a steady girlfriend who he has been with for over a year now. She also lives here at the college. As it is, I’m fairly sure he’s a bit of a play boy, playing the girls for all he’s worth… even though he’s supposedly officially a one woman man these days. But for some reason I still feel that connection, attraction and I suppose to some extent even some envy of his girlfriend.

The worst part is that I know that I don’t want to be that girl. The one that steals other people’s boyfriends, then gets bored with them and tosses them away. I don’t want to be the one that ruins relationships and lives – even if it’s the boyfriends decision and not mine like it was in the case of my Boss. I don’t want to be ‘the other woman’. In fact, I despise that. So why am I subconsciously sabotaging that and becoming my own worst enemy?

I think what it is that draws me to these fellas and other is the eyes. I look for a connection with people. When I look at someone and I can look into their eyes and actually see some depth in them, I feel a connection of sorts. I don’t know what it is. I know it sounds incredibly corny and childish, but I like to, I dunno, “fall into” someone’s eyes. I like to be able to search their eyes when something’s wrong and be able to find more depth than if I was looking into someone’s eyes that had nothing there – just blank and shallow eyes. Maybe I’m just attracted to guys who like secrets or are extremely emotional in a quiet and guarded way. They’re all intellectuals and hide a lot beneath the surface althought they fool most people… Maybe secretive and mysterious is my type. Someone who is smart and challenging. Someone that I can never quite figure out. maybe that’s it? Maybe, once I have them figured out and I have an opportunity to actually be with someone properly, maybe that’s when I start to get bored really quickly.

Who knows. Maybe I have a type. Maybe I don’t.

Wither way, it’s sad really.

August 26, 2009 Posted by | bored, idiotic, life, love, observation, people, procrastinating, secrets, trouble | 4 Comments

My Boss (who cares what Part number I’m up to now…)

Well I can assure you that I still have no romantic feelings or notions for him, but I cannot say that he has exactly followed that direction as well. Apparently he’s happy going on harbouring what ever it is he has for me. He says “love”, but I highly doubt that.

I find that when and if the topic of “us” that is now past and gone, he likes to try and compare what happened with us and what happened between Dom and I so long ago. I think he realises how important Dom was and that I loved him, so he feels the need to try and get an upper hand instead. Maybe then he’d have a fighting chance right? No. I can’t see myself with my Boss anymore. Not at all. In fact, I can’t even see that far off image that I once imagined about us coincidentally meeting each other again later on in life and getting it together again. Like two paths crossing thanks to fate bringing back what was meant to be… Although I did make the mistake of telling him that I once thought of that. Truth is, he’s out of the picture, and that’s that. I can’t see it at all.

I just have to put up with working with him and the small comments that still get exchanged. True, I do flirt back a lot…. and true, I do enjoy myself quite a bit…. But now? It’s starting to get a bit old. We’ve been flirting like this for the better part of a year now and for a couple of years before that there wasn’t flirting to this degree, but it was definitely there.

On the more interesting front though, but him and his now ex-fiance, seem to be going through a bit of a bitter stage in their “lets be friends” plan. I don’t know what’s happened, as it seems to be a bit of a taboo subject with him, but let’s just say that I think they’ve realised how different life can be sans their relationship.

Friday, My Boss was saying “Me and [his ex-fiance] were so not right… So not.” There was a story behind it – you could tell by the way that he talked and looked at something that wasn’t there as if replaying something in his head. But who knows what that was. Only a few hours after that, I was with his ex-fiance and one of the other girls from work (who is possibly even more innocent than the Virgin Mary and extremely fun to make uncomfortable about the subject of sex) chatting, and as per usual, sex came into the conversation… One thing I didn’t expect however was that his ex-fiance, would start spilling the beans on their now past sex life… Let’s just say this: we hit an interesting point where exact centimetres came into play and when she described what he’s best at. Of course, that made for lots of fun today at work when our little innocent friend came to visit my Boss and I in our store. I made lots of sly under the table jokes to her which he caught onto eventually whilst remaining clueless they were all about him… Poor guy.

In other news, Dom and I are officially over… No that we were ever back together again, but there was talk of it. In terms of any prospective relationship, we both realised that it wouldn’t work. Although we never had an ending as such, we’ve both come to our own conclusions that our story is over. Our time ended a long time ago. It’s just a pity that I had to put him through all this kerfuffle of late as my mind did a couple of 360s: Pining for him, falling in love with him when he’s not even here -thinking that I might have anyways, him having to put up with my drunken emails and abuse…. I feel sorry for him. Then again, apparently it’s in my nature to screw it up with all the guys and to leave a “trail of destruction” behind. I just didn’t want Dom to have to go through that again. He’s been through it a couple of times already.

But who knows? There may be more stories in the near future. Currently I’m trying to subtly (and as nicely as possible) derail the ambitions which I think may have started to form for one of the guys at college with me. He’s a really nice guy, a prankster, funny, and training to become a doctor to boot, but I never had feelings for him…. plus he reminds me all too much of my Mother’s ex boyfriend from when she was at university. Let’s just say that he looks very similar and that freaks the hell out of me. Do I even need to mention that Mum’s ex also used to live at this college? She’s even pointed out his room to me. Those were the years that made her infamous for being the flirt around this college… and how she knows where everything is here so well – after all, word is that she did spend more time at my college than at actual Uni. Yes my mother was a hussy.

One of my managers at work (an infamous play boy and living it up kind of guy) maintains that these are the best years of my life and that I should be living it up and enjoying it – not worrying about the hassels of relationships and such. I’m in two minds as to whether or not I think the same. One part of me wants to conform to society and maintain a good reputation…. but another part of me is just screaming for me to get out there and have some bloody well fun. My sister maintains I’m a kissing whore… and that would be hard to deny compared to her romantic record… but I don’t want hassels. So I’m happy to shamelessly use a guy for a little fun on the dance floor and then leave at the end of the night without ever having to see him again. It works for me alright? And until someone amazing pops up and makes me want to curb my ways, then that’s the way it will be: Fun.

Night x

August 24, 2009 Posted by | bored, college, emotions, fun, love, morals, secrets, sex | 2 Comments

My Boss : Part 16 (A dream)

I’ve had a restless and unsuccessful night’s sleep so far, but I just woke from a dream which I want to write down so I remember it. In one way I’m thinking is probably slightly to punish myself and remember what I’ve done. Who knows…

The dream was us at work except strangely it was set inside my room at my Dad’s old house. My Boss, his fiance, one of the other girls and I were all there working together. Everything was fine for a small portion as we bustled around the place. I wasn’t talking to him on the majority. I very vaguely saying a few words to me. I think they were supposed to be words about how he was sorting things out and it was going to be alright, but I’m not completely sure. He was talking to his fiance and following her around the ‘store’ that was my room asking her things and she seemed to be continuing to bustle so that that way she wouldn’t really have to face him. She seemed pretty upset but you could only tell by the occasional quiver or tremor in her voice. 

I don’t remember all of the conversations in the dream but I remember small pieces here and there. I remember him saying to her firstly, “See this is exactly what I mean about you putting up barriers and blocking me out.” They fought a bit after that at a relatively normal voice level. Me and the other girl working continued to sort of pretend to be busy and try not to look like we were listening in. They were arguing and the fiance was beginning to get more upset, teary and hoarse as she said things and he was starting to shout things back in the same hoarse fashion. By this stage I was standing next to the bed very still and looking down, trying not to disturb them or get caught in between them. I can’t remember what they were yelling at this point, but the fiance stopped a foot in front of my to face my Boss who was now standing beside me and leaning on the bunk bed. I was so aware of the fact that he was fighting with her while standing next to me that I felt guilty so I picked up a small cloth and moved away to the stereo on the other side of the room.

Then my Boss was asking exasperatedly, “Then why is it I have someone talking to all my friends today about my desire issues?” By this stage I was placing the cloth over on the table like table cloth type thing and for some reason the fiance had followed me across to make sure I did it right, so their conversation was still right next to me. She turned bak to him and was yelling something sarcastically about how of course if they split up he’d want to make sure that his dick was ok after all the trauma and everything. At this point I made to leave from the room and headed straight for the door. They didn’t notice as far as I could tell and I only heard things about them fighting about how it was or wasn’t about his dick.

As I left the room, I passed into the dark hallway and the living room both which were dark except for the light spilling in from the kitchen where my sister was sat at the dining table doing the crossword for some reason. I sat down next to her and she asked me when my Boss and his fiance were finally going to either get married or split up, and I said that they had broken up – a fact which I had to pretend I had no reason to know why and that I had just found out about, while I guiltily and secretly had already known for a few days because he had told me. My sister used to work at the same place so she knows them both well and she was shocked but she seemed to listen to them and me like it was just the gossip, nothing more.

While I was telling her this there was hysterical and very raised hoarse shouting coming from my Boss and his fiance in the room I had left before. I don’t remember it all but I remember the sound of it and it was heartbreakingly horrible to hear it. The hauntingly clearest part was his fiance screaming “Then why…” I didn’t catch the last part, but you could just hear the desperation and pleading in her voice. and then his answer came back even worse as he shouted, “This is all your fault.” 

But the sound of that last part was the most horrible of all and that’s the part that I woke up with resounding in my head over and over again biting into me. It wasn’t cruel or blaming in the sense that males are usually portrayed as through stereotypes – aggressive, dangerous and threatening as they blame the woman for everything. It was more like he was on the last straw and couldn’t take it any longer. Like he was desperate and said this as a last attempt to tell her. Of course having it repeating in my head when I woke, I felt like it was more a message to me instead of his fiance – guilty conscience on my behalf kicking in much?

Anyway, he then stormed out of the bedroom he had been in and walked across the hall (strangely the house morphed at that point to have some extra parts, because the area that he walked straight out and into didn’t exist in my Dad’s old house). He had a couple – three I think and all women – people chase close behind him and I was pretty sure none of them were his fiance. My first reaction was to go see how she was because I could just imagine her still in the bedroom probably on the floor quietly sobbing uncontrollably. Strangely, after that first instinct in the dream I then thought that I probably should go to see My Boss first to make sure he was OK and not her. The obligation lied with him though and not the fiance that I actually wanted to check on. Strange priorities for my dream I guess. Then again I had the same reaction when he texted me that they were no longer together.

Funnily though I remember odd details from the dream with vivid memory as well. Like the fact that my dad had been using the bathroom at the time and at one point when my sister and I had been listening to the fighting down the hall, he farted. My sister then turned to me and said, “Yeah dad’s taking a shit.” I then replied with, “Oh. What charming noises to have mixed into this” referring to the yelling match. Other small details as well like the fact that my sister was eating out the bowls my dad always used, eating the Oat mix he used to eat; the fact that I still had scarves and ribbons tied in a web thing on the bunk bed in my room like I used to when I was a kid; the stereo had moved areas in my room; and that it was stormy and dark outside the window of my room but just dark and normal outside the window outside the kitchen.

But most of all  just remember the horrible sounds of both of their voices as they shouted. Not the normal shouting match kind, but the desperate breaking kind that sounds so rough and like it’s going to break – the really emotional kind of shout of someone at their wits end and exasperated. It was horrible and heart breaking. I never ever want to hear that again.

June 3, 2009 Posted by | dreams, emotions, love, people, Personal, secrets, trouble, work | Leave a comment

My Boss : Part 12 (the end is in sight)

Ok, so while it is not yet official, it may as well be: My boss is breaking off the engagement with his fiance. One would assume that would also mean that they would split altogether, but until tomorrow when I see him and he explains it all, I shall not know for sure.
He is a fool.
I’m a home wrecker.
Brilliant.
This situation has slowly spiraled out of control and downhill gathering speed the further it went and I suppose this is karma biting me in the butt for not having left long ago. It’s my own fault that I’m now in this situation – the one that I thought (and never even in my wildest dreams thought) would happen. But alas, this is what it has come to.
I was talking to one of my friends from University the other day about the whole matter and she said even though I didn’t want to hear it, maybe it was better for him to leave his fiance f his head wasn’t in the right place, and if he was already distracted and not giving her his whole heart when they haven’t even tied the knot yet. If he can’t do it now, how would he be able to do it in years to come after they had tied the knot? When she said it I thought she made a fair point although I didn’t like it. She suggested that he take some time out from everything and think about where his head is at and realise what he wants to be doing and where he wants to be. Once again I thought that was a decent idea. After all, I don’t like all this secrecy and I think it’s cheating on his fiance regardless of the fact that there’s no sex or whatever one usually assumes for one to be cheating.
However today, when I was texting him and talking about books, I picked up on a few small things, which I’ll now explain:
Boss: ‘I’m jealous! I want a massive collection of books but i never know which ones to buy =( Renting is a problem as well, always moving… I’m going to start it once i get my own house.’
That message alone managed automatically set of alarm bells. The fact the he said he was always moving when theoretically he only has one move left – the one to the house that he and his fiance are building at the moment which should be finished in a couple of years. He’s also been living in her family’s house for nearly 6 years now so that can’t have been the difficulty he was really referring to. The thing that tipped me off the most, however, was the fact that he said “once i get my own house”. Obviously. So i followed it with a message seemingly naive of it in order to try and question that and smooth my panicking which was going to flare up at any second:
Me: ‘Once you get ur own house? Isn’t the house u guys are building out in woop woop?’
Boss: ‘The block is at The Vines. It is a fair way away, lol. Can we not do this again please. At least not in messages. =)’
That was the final straw for me it was final. As if the beginning of the message where he said “the block” and not something more along the lines of “our block wasn’t enough, the ‘Can we not do this again’ part was just like placing a giant flashing screaming neon sign in front of my face. Brilliant. So I sent this back:
Me: ‘That smiley face looked awfully odd at the end of that message… u sound somewhat more resolved than normal tho. I suppose u can explain it to me tomoro [then I said I had to go and would talk to him then]’
To which I got a reply back very fast saying:
Boss: ‘More resolved? Yes, but how did you read that from that message? And what do you think I’ve resolved to do? If you don’t mind me asking… What was your reaction to my last message yesterday*? I should have kept it to myself. Sorry.’
* this is in reference to a message he sent me yesterday while he was at work and I’d just had a text conversation with him. It read simply: ‘I so badly want to hold you right now. 2 days *sigh* xxx’
After I read that text today I must say I was slightly vexed. Although I’m still not sure that I’m even vexed at him – of course I know I am with myself. So I started the next text with ‘I didn’t think u wanted to do this via text?’ Sure I got a little saucy… He would have barely noticed it though. Or at least, he would have glossed over it. After that I explained to him the things that I had picked up from his text messages and then ended it with, ‘Call it petty or reading into things that aren’t there, but I’m guessing ur not sticking with the engagement?’

He said we’d talk about that tomorrow and insisted on me telling him what my reaction to yesterday’s text had been (seeing as I had rather ignored it in my reply). So I answered it finally:
Me: ‘Haha well now that reaction becomes part and parcel with whatever is to be talked about tomoro. For while it made me smile yesterday, it could have a whole different effect tomoro…’
By this I was more referring to the fact that tomorrow if he confirms what I suspect and if he tells me that he came to this decision before that text, then I shall be angry with myself… actually scratch that. Regardless of when he came to the decision, I shall be angry with myself anyway – after all I have now helped to potentially ruin two peoples lives. At least, certainly life as they know it at the moment. So then he replied with an anxious, ‘A bad effect?’

Me: ‘Not in reaction to u no. To me more so. I hold nothing bad against u at all. Never have and probably never will.’
Boss: ‘We have a lot to talk about, but i thought i made it clear that none of this is you fault. You said you got that? Ok, you drunkenly kissed your mates boyfriend… I’ll never forgive myself if you blame yourself.’
Me: ‘We’ll talk tomorrow k? Stress less :)’
The first message there was more to calm him so that that way he didn’t have a sleepless night over thinking everything, as I knew he would (and probably still might do anyway). The second message was a lot more of a struggle to try and control my thoughts for, hence why it was so small. I wanted to be screaming at him, ‘correction: my friend/managers FIANCE, not boyfriend and like as if that was even OK in the first freaking place!!!” Plus it’s not like I haven’t warned him before that if they split up, then I would never forgive myself for that, no matter what he said or how many times he tried to explain it. 
What a lovely loop that will make: I can’t forgive myself for them splitting, and he can’t forgive himself for me blaming myself. Here’s the solution: don’t split up. Wow. Shocker.
As I’m writing this, I can just sense the hostility and sarcastic attitude that seems to be pouring out with my words. I think that’s just because I’m angry and yet I know it’s my own fault. I always end up like this. This is how I end up at the end of my numb stage that I use to stop something from hurting me emotionally after something has happened. Except usually this progression of walls being built in my head takes at least a day or two.
Mayhap this has happened so fast this time because I’ve done it so many times this year, or mayhap it’s because I’d subconsciously started days ago. All I know is that today for the first time in quite a while I woke up feeling rather detached from it all and emotionless. His texts (previous to when it turned serious) only created one of the tiniest beginnings of smiles once and no more, when usually i would be grinning the whole time. I think I woke up in a very stoic mood and frame of mind and that allowed me to deal with all this so easy and view it from a more peaceful state. If I hadn’t I probably would have been under the doonas crying myself to sleep hopelessly, or curled up on the floor sobbing and willing for things to be different – just like some emotionally overdone silly girl. I’m not like that usually and on the few occasions I am, I have the sense to snap myself out of it purely by thought and self loathing for being so weak.
Sometimes I almost scare myself at how good I’ve become at this. 
But enough of this talk. Let tomorrow bring what it may and this shall all be done. If he is breaking the engagement off there will only be two possibilities left: either he will stop working with her family and where I am, or I will resign officially this week. Both, however, will mean that all contact with him will cease at the end of tomorrow. There’s no two ways about that one.

May 23, 2009 Posted by | emotions, life, love, moods, people, secrets, trouble, work | 4 Comments

Quote of the Week 2

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Week 2
The measure of a man’s real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out – Thomas Macaulay

Oh yes indeedy. It is true is it not?

May 22, 2009 Posted by | Quote of the Week, Quotes by People, secrets | Leave a comment

My Boss : Part 11 (almost)

I’m kind of buggered at the moment, and I really want to go to sleep seeing as I need to get up in around 5 or so hours to get ready for Uni… *sigh* … but I also wanted to write a few small things first.

Firstly: it appears I may have been wrong. I was so sure that my boss would never split from his fiance, but now it is actually looking like a possibility for one day. It seems their relationship troubles were more than I originally thought. Of course, I keep telling him that he needs to fix it and he said that of course he was trying to. I’ve already told him and he understands that if they ever did split, I would disappear off the face of the earth and not talk to him again, because I would never forgive myself for being a part of the reason no matter how insignificantly so. He is still adamant that even if I wasn’t in the equation, he would still be trying to figure all of this out anyway and reviewing things – that I’m no part of the reason for it at all. I find it extremely hard to believe that. Wonder why?
After Saturday though, I get the feeling that maybe it’s not just my boss that is feeling it. I think his fiance is too. I think they’re both just bored in their relationship – I mean it has been six years! But the reason why I say this is because on Sunday morning at work, she started texting me about Mark from the night before and about whether I got his number or not? I said I might just have maybe left with it, to which she replied with “Is that a yes or no… Come on I need something I’m practically married now…” That surprised me to say the least and thought it was a bit harshly/bluntly put. I was standing next to my boss at the time and just couldn’t imagine how he would react to that other than being hurt. I said that yes I had and she texted back with “Man he was hot… What does he do for a living, and how old is he?” It’s probably nothing, but I dunno…
So anyways, ignoring the second paragraph there, all this came around because yesterday I had a bad day for “withdrawal symptoms” continuing from Sunday night. I was literally hanging off my phone just waiting for him to text and every time Mark (the guy I met on Saturday from the club) texted, I’d get excited and hope to see my bosses name. So when I saw Mark’s name instead I couldn’t help but feel just slightly depressed every time. It’s like your heart jumps to the front of your chest every time you hear the phone go off, then drops into your stomach when you see it’s not the person you hoped for. Literally. It sounds cliche and fictional, but it’s not. It happens.
Let me write down the more important messages of last night:
Boss: “I suppose because of the way my feeling for you have evolved (over years) I’ve got better at making decisions without them affecting. Believe me, if I allowed myself to just follow my heart the decision would be a lot more clear cut. This was my basis for my ‘worse’ people question the other day…”
Me: “What u just said… That can’t be right. No. With [his fiance] is where your heart belongs.”
Boss: “How do you know?”
Me: “Because that’s where it needs to be and if it’s not then u need to put it back there because it was there all along. And I had no right interfering with that. And i need u to say its there.”
Boss: “I still love [his fiance]. Hey you’ve heard the song…”
This was him referring to the lyrics of Usher’s ‘What’s a Man To Do?’ which I have posted up here previously when I first found them. I told him that those lyrics weren’t meant to be literally the same, and he said that they were pretty damn similar. But basically the rest of the conversation was just me being mopey and disguising most of it like I usually do.
However, obviously I didn’t do a good enough job. Turns out last night he only got 2 hours of sleep because he couldn’t stop thinking about it all and because he felt so bad that I was upset. I was called yesterday to ask if I could work today in the other shop to where he is and I said yes, which was fine because I wasn’t going to be working with him so I wouldn’t have to face him. Not really anyways. But he ambushed me. 
He texted me early this morning asking if we could talk today and I didn’t reply or go to see him before work. So 40 minutes into my shift, our store gets a call asking to send over some big bags which I take and funnily enough he’s waiting outside his store sitting on a bench so we can talk. Basically, we just talked about all the stuff in the first paragraph of this entry… and that he would rather have the “unorthodox” “relationship” that we have now than nothing at all. He said that sometimes he just begins to think that it’s just us and nothing else matters or exists in the world and that he needs that even if it’s only for 5 minutes in a whole day.
But that’s not the most important point of today. No that point was at the end of the day when the line that I had drawn for myself was almost crossed. I’m proud of myself though because I pulled away from the hug that was getting way too close to becoming a kiss again. I stopped it and told him that if he got any closer it wouldn’t end up good again and he agreed. 
The thing is, we can both see the logic of the line between us when we aren’t standing next to each other… but as soon as we are together, the logic seems to start crawling out the window, and then at contact, the logic starts running for the hills. I suppose that’s probably partly to blame on damned human hormones as well though. Annoyingly present, they are sometimes.
Anyways, that’s about it. I’m getting to the point where I think I’m going to have to leave even if I don’t have another job to fall back on. I don’t want to leave after I realise I’m in love with him and then slowly have to deal with it tearing me up (then again there’s a fairly good chance of that anyways). But I think I am falling for him. I’ve never been truly in love with someone before so I don’t know how it is supposed to be like, but if I was to guess I would say it was somewhat like this only slightly more intensified. 
Love just sounds painful in that case.
Then again, when haven’t I said that love is more trouble than it’s worth?

May 19, 2009 Posted by | emotions, love, moods, people, Personal, secrets | Leave a comment