…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

My Boss (who cares what Part number I’m up to now…)

Well I can assure you that I still have no romantic feelings or notions for him, but I cannot say that he has exactly followed that direction as well. Apparently he’s happy going on harbouring what ever it is he has for me. He says “love”, but I highly doubt that.

I find that when and if the topic of “us” that is now past and gone, he likes to try and compare what happened with us and what happened between Dom and I so long ago. I think he realises how important Dom was and that I loved him, so he feels the need to try and get an upper hand instead. Maybe then he’d have a fighting chance right? No. I can’t see myself with my Boss anymore. Not at all. In fact, I can’t even see that far off image that I once imagined about us coincidentally meeting each other again later on in life and getting it together again. Like two paths crossing thanks to fate bringing back what was meant to be… Although I did make the mistake of telling him that I once thought of that. Truth is, he’s out of the picture, and that’s that. I can’t see it at all.

I just have to put up with working with him and the small comments that still get exchanged. True, I do flirt back a lot…. and true, I do enjoy myself quite a bit…. But now? It’s starting to get a bit old. We’ve been flirting like this for the better part of a year now and for a couple of years before that there wasn’t flirting to this degree, but it was definitely there.

On the more interesting front though, but him and his now ex-fiance, seem to be going through a bit of a bitter stage in their “lets be friends” plan. I don’t know what’s happened, as it seems to be a bit of a taboo subject with him, but let’s just say that I think they’ve realised how different life can be sans their relationship.

Friday, My Boss was saying “Me and [his ex-fiance] were so not right… So not.” There was a story behind it – you could tell by the way that he talked and looked at something that wasn’t there as if replaying something in his head. But who knows what that was. Only a few hours after that, I was with his ex-fiance and one of the other girls from work (who is possibly even more innocent than the Virgin Mary and extremely fun to make uncomfortable about the subject of sex) chatting, and as per usual, sex came into the conversation… One thing I didn’t expect however was that his ex-fiance, would start spilling the beans on their now past sex life… Let’s just say this: we hit an interesting point where exact centimetres came into play and when she described what he’s best at. Of course, that made for lots of fun today at work when our little innocent friend came to visit my Boss and I in our store. I made lots of sly under the table jokes to her which he caught onto eventually whilst remaining clueless they were all about him… Poor guy.

In other news, Dom and I are officially over… No that we were ever back together again, but there was talk of it. In terms of any prospective relationship, we both realised that it wouldn’t work. Although we never had an ending as such, we’ve both come to our own conclusions that our story is over. Our time ended a long time ago. It’s just a pity that I had to put him through all this kerfuffle of late as my mind did a couple of 360s: Pining for him, falling in love with him when he’s not even here -thinking that I might have anyways, him having to put up with my drunken emails and abuse…. I feel sorry for him. Then again, apparently it’s in my nature to screw it up with all the guys and to leave a “trail of destruction” behind. I just didn’t want Dom to have to go through that again. He’s been through it a couple of times already.

But who knows? There may be more stories in the near future. Currently I’m trying to subtly (and as nicely as possible) derail the ambitions which I think may have started to form for one of the guys at college with me. He’s a really nice guy, a prankster, funny, and training to become a doctor to boot, but I never had feelings for him…. plus he reminds me all too much of my Mother’s ex boyfriend from when she was at university. Let’s just say that he looks very similar and that freaks the hell out of me. Do I even need to mention that Mum’s ex also used to live at this college? She’s even pointed out his room to me. Those were the years that made her infamous for being the flirt around this college… and how she knows where everything is here so well – after all, word is that she did spend more time at my college than at actual Uni. Yes my mother was a hussy.

One of my managers at work (an infamous play boy and living it up kind of guy) maintains that these are the best years of my life and that I should be living it up and enjoying it – not worrying about the hassels of relationships and such. I’m in two minds as to whether or not I think the same. One part of me wants to conform to society and maintain a good reputation…. but another part of me is just screaming for me to get out there and have some bloody well fun. My sister maintains I’m a kissing whore… and that would be hard to deny compared to her romantic record… but I don’t want hassels. So I’m happy to shamelessly use a guy for a little fun on the dance floor and then leave at the end of the night without ever having to see him again. It works for me alright? And until someone amazing pops up and makes me want to curb my ways, then that’s the way it will be: Fun.

Night x


August 24, 2009 Posted by | bored, college, emotions, fun, love, morals, secrets, sex | 2 Comments

Dongara Ramblings in The Car

I got back to Perth from my week in Dongara with friends on Thursday night, and even though I actually wrote this in the car on the way home, I figured I’d post it anyways:

I can’t help but feel like I’m sort of returning to an impending doom.

I knew I would eventually have to face this, and on saturday (just after we left for Dongara) there was nothing worse I could think of than leaving perth and all mobile signal range. I was going crazy for the first two days of this trip knowing that I was out of reach and that I couldn’t be contacted.

But as the week went on, I had time to think and relax, and I suppose that sort of allowed me to forget it all. I’ve been happy like that. But now that we are on our way back to Perth and are almost there now, I know that I would give so much just to turn the car around, go back and be in blissful ignorance and isolation with only a few select friends. I’d probably spend some more time with Jack or something. I really don’t know much about that kid, but he seems really nice and all.

It’s just that what has happened all seems too complicated and could cause many opinions of people to be expressed, and to be frank, I really don’t want to hear them.
Everything that happened that night sort of just seems like a life time ago now.

Then again so does the other night when I ended up hopelessly drunk and around the corner of the house with Jack, only to be crying my eyes out hysterically for no apparent reason some time later.

There’s another point: I think I’ve become somewhat dependent upon Jane. Maybe that’s the problem with putting all your eggs in one basket and trusting one person – you begin to rely on them and become dependent on them as well.

But then the other question begs to ask: Is that such a bad thing?

Maybe it’s just me, the way I was raised and the family that I have that has formed my views on these sorts of things. I’ve convinced myself that:
* Excessive emotion is weak
* Dependence on another being is weak and very bad
* Men are (most of the time) unreliable
* Friends are mostly untrustworthy (with some exceptions)
* It’s human nature to be selfish (but you don’t have to follow that)
* and the overuse of logic in every situation instead of emotions is good.

But once again, maybe that’s just me. People tell me I’ve got things mixed up all the time – especially when it comes to my use of logic over personal emotion. Guess that’s why a psychologist diagnosed me  with being “Overly logic” and “Too logic for [my] own good”.
But it’s worked fine for me for most of my life – well at least since I developed all my theories… And I maintain that it’s all true, because when it comes down to it, the only person you can dependent upon is you. Then again, maybe that’s my tragic downfall and flaw in my personality, and in following this I will lead myself to a lonely and insecure life.

I don’t let people in. That’s a fact.
And if you don’t let people in… Well what do you have? No real friends. No love. Nothing.

Well as expected really. Nine messages came in the moment my phone adjusted to finally being within mobile coverage. It was the moment I dreaded this whole car trip home.

I think I was possibly on the verge of tears when I realised my phone had been going off.
Yet, I don’t think I was even that surprised that there was no message from Judd – the one person that I fully expected one to arrive from, and fairly much the sole reason not having reception in Dongara, had originally been so unbearable and agonising. 

Owell. I mean, what did I really have or want to say to him anyways?
He apparently didn’t have anything to say to me.
I don’t think I did to him either.

November 22, 2008 Posted by | emotions, experiences, friends, life, sex | Leave a comment

drugs, sex, rock and roll

Well, this is a new bog, considering the last one decided to break down on me and now screws up my internet every time I try to use it, which results in the internet freezing and me having to force quit all internet windows (including all porn – kidding)

My last bog was more philosophical and about worldly things and matters, but lately I’ve been feeling the need to just write about everything. Much like I used to in my diaries. The only problem with them was that my mother used to go through them, and not to mention the fact that I always used to get terrible hand cramps.

Now one might think it ironic that to get away from prying and intrusive eyes, I would turn to publishing my thoughts on the Internet, but really it makes sense. Here I’m an unknown person on another unknown computer in the world. Completely anonymous and someone (such as yourself) reads this, then I really don’t mind on account of the fact that the chances that we know each other are so incredibly small it’s not funny.

So anyways, I’ve noticed something lately – it seems like the latest craze this year amongst school kids seems to be watching TV series’ on DVD. I’ve found myself also becoming victim to this craze considering I went through a MAJOR Gilmore Girls phase last year and (sadly) ending this year. Last night and all of today I watched the whole first season of Skins, which is a magnificent TV series, produced by the Madman Television and SBS in Australia. It’s rated R18+ on account of its ‘High Level Drug Use’. I can’t exactly argue with this considering pretty much every single scene involves them either using drugs or talking about them.

Now I have never been a player for the drugs team and I’ve never exactly been a big fan. I had a close friend a few years ago that got seriously mixed up in that scene and it screwed her life up. She wound up addicted to a couple of different substances, a drunk and was admitted to institutions for trying to commit suicide three times and other acts of self-harming. She also mixed with the crowds that did the same sort of thing, which resulted with her getting boyfriend after boyfriend that was a bad influence, horrible to her, beat her, and forced her to do more drugs. Eventually it climaxed with one that beat her to a pulp after breaking into her house and she was hospitalised. For some insane reason she stayed with him after this happened. He continued to beat her frequently and finally she ended up bashed and pregnant after he had beaten and raped her. She STILL claimed that she loved him and he her.

I did my best to convince her she had to leave him and eventually she did after he paid to have the pregnancy “taken care of” (aborted). It wasn’t soon enough in my opinion, but she found it hard to let go of that whole scene. She after being on the straight path for a while eventually went back to her old ways and we drifted apart when she moved to the other side of the world. But needless to say, after seeing one of my closest friends go through this I became somewhat scared of losing a friend to drugs and I never touched the stuff myself. For a very long time I didn’t touch alcohol either.

Since then I think my ideals and morals have really changed. Watching Skins and all the drug use in there, I only saw a fun environment with heightened and crazy experiences. Popping pills (like ecstasy) and smoking marijuana doesn’t seem so bad and the ecstasy just seemed to make the raves even more exciting. Admittedly ecstasy is very much the party drug and the newest craze amongst my year group as far as drug craze’s go, but I had still thought of all the people in my year group that I heard about doing it as absolute wankers who were so incredibly stupid for doing it that it just wasn’t funny.

Don’t get me wrong, Skins has got the whole overdosing spin in it just to let you know that you can do some serious damage when you take drugs, but it still created a new, good light within my mind surrounding drugs such as pot and pills. I would still never touch anything heavy like heroin or acid or anything like that, but I have new thoughts about the lighter stuff – if any drug can really be called “lighter”. It has made me think that I might not be opposed to trying them if I was at a rave or all night or good party. Something good anyhow. Just to see what it would be like.

This year has been a big year of changing thoughts for me really. I’ve begun drinking a lot more and enjoy it – it’s become a combination of outlet and social lubricant so that I can enjoy things more. Of course when drinking, your enjoyment can also be very dependent on who you are with and most of my friends really are not helpful in that aspect. Because I’ve realised this about my friends so much more this year, I’ve been hanging out with some different crowds and been influenced by them.

On one camp I was with one of the boys and it came up that I would have to go back to our dorm with my friend before the other girls woke up and that we couldn’t stay in the boys dorm all night because of what the girls would say and think. One of the boys then turned around to me and said, “You’re 17 aren’t you? So you should be able to do what you want to do.” This really opened my eyes and made me realise that I wasn’t doing all the things I wanted to do. I also realised the fact that I didn’t mind the idea of doing or trying some of the things that I had previously been very opposed to. And if you follow my drift, the title of this blog refers to some of the things that have changed (except iv loved rock and roll for a very long time so it need not be counted).

So basically, watching Skins today was again an awakening to the ideas that are continually changing within my head. Thoughts both morally and idealistically about many subjects that are relevant to growing up in this day and age. But whether or not I give into these thoughts, or at least if I give into them any time soon, is another matter and a bridge I’ll cross when I get to it. At the moment I’m just happy waiting for the next party so that I can get drunk, party, dance and all that jazz 🙂

August 2, 2008 Posted by | drugs, morals, sex, skins | Leave a comment