…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

Yes. Don’t we all just LOVE fire alarms…

In a college where if one alarm goes off they all do, fire alarms become fucking bastards. They ARE the enemy… Loud noisy ringy enemies.

This morning the fire alarm went off all around the old wing. I dunno about enywhere else in college but definitely my wing. And considering a LOT of students have exams today, disturbing their sleep at 6am for a seemingly false alarm? So not cool fire alarm system. So not cool.

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June 14, 2010 Posted by | college, trouble | Leave a comment

Exams

This is pretty much how I feel right now. Escape and away from cursed exams. Although my Creative writing exam on Monday was fine and I actually left 20 minutes early – the first exam I’ve EVER left from early. 

But this afternoon I had a complete freak out and melt down and just melted into a stressed mess over exams and failing my units. I had previously applied for special consideration for discretionary marking for my exams. But when I freaked out I went and applied for my two politics exams which are this week to be deferred until next semeter.

I didn’t want to and it’s probably the wussy way out and I’m not stoked about it seeing as how it’s going to be hanging over me now all holidays. no relaxing because it’s just extended exam period now. At least I only need to do two exams when I come back. I’ll do my Communications one next week so that I won’t have to worry about that one as well. It’s by far easily my worst subject, but I have a week to learn everything and get some study done. Let’s hope it helps.

Oh and for the record, it’s just as well I DID defer seeing as my friend looked up special consideration (something I hadn’t bothered to do) and turns out “discretionary marking” can be a change of grade by no more than 2% for exams and 5% for assignments. And let’s face it, that would have done sweet FUCK ALL for my exam marks and passing the units…

Thank fuck I deferred.

June 9, 2010 Posted by | epiphany, exams, Personal, photography, pictures, trouble, university | Leave a comment

What a great fucking night. Not.

Well tonight I was actually fucking scared.

I was scared because some freaky ass guy was fucking stalking me. He followed me for three whole blocks while I was walking alone at night time.

And it’s not like I imagined it or exaggerate either. When I first realised he was there I began walking into shops and pretending to look at things so that way if he wasn’t following me he would end up infront of me, but he didn’t. He’d always wait outside or the one time he saw me looking straight at him, he walked a couple of shops up the street and waited there instead.

Then when I was nearing the end of the shops and the lihts (and too freaked out to keep going), I turned around  and went back a couple of  shops. That’s when I realised that it was official seeing as he followed me backwards. There was no escaping the fact then.

So I went across to the big hotel across the street, freaked out as all hell, and he watched me go. I went to the reception and he called someone to take me back to my hotel.

I got back and walked into our room. Mum was there because she’d been out with others from our group tonight instead, hence why I went off alone. This was the exact conversation that followed:

Mum: So, what did you buy?

Me: Nothing except a cyclo ride back.

Mum: Oh ok.

Me: I wouldn’t have taken it, I would have just walked, except someone was following me so I just wanted to get home and away from him.

Mum: How much did it cost you?

Me: Fifteen [fifteen thousand Vietnamese dong = roughly just under US$1]

Mum: Oh well not much then. I picked up your laundry…[and then she launched into her story about how she went across to the place where the boys were having drinks and coincidently where the laundry lady is, and how she got the laundry and then sat with the boys. Then about how they had told her about how they had both slept with one of the girls in the group and mum was saying how amazed she was about it and basically that Sarah was “doing the rounds” (Mum’s equivalent of saying being a slut) and the boys didn’t think much of Sarah.]

Not once did she ask me about the guy that had been stalking me. Not once did she care about any detail to do with it. She didn’t care at all. It was more important to talk about the laundry and the groups dirty gossip than to ask her daughter about a man that perhaps could have beaten, raped and mugged her daughter if things had gone differently (and I was carrying US$150 with me as well). Heck, he could have just kidnapped me and sold me into the sex industry. It’s not like it doesn’t happen here.

Ok, I know those possibilities are far fetched and unlikely. If anything had of come of it, it most likely would have only been a mugging…. But I was carrying an excessive amount with me tonight, and a mugging is a mugging – it’s still going to frighten the fuck out of anyone. No one is used to something like that to the point where it isn’t frightening anymore. 

I honestly couldn’t believe it, and so I shut myself in the bathroom to do some more laundry in the sink. After  came out of there she said some small things but I was in no mood to talk – especially not about that guy. She tried probing and I told her I didn’t want to talk to her about it seeing as she obviously didn’t care about it… that resulted in a fight naturally and her defense was that she didn’t know what to do or how to react because I’m always snappy and moody. 

So I told her that if she really thought that was the best way to deal with it then that was fine, and the next time she was stalked and felt like her life could be threatened, then I’d also ignore it as well and talk about something completely and utterly menial.

Then she told me I was being ridiculous, and I said I wasn’t because the fact was she didn’t care. She was a mother and didn’t as even a single question when her daughter came in and said she’d been followed. She hadn’t been worried even in the slightest and now she was just trying to change the direction of the conversation so that she could feel better about herself.

It was just after that, that I took the childish option to leave (dramatic I suppose). I walked out of the room and took my laptop. Now I’m sitting downstairs in the empty restaurant almost wishing that I was back home (part of me was sad tonight that there’s only just over a week left of traveling – despite the fact that I still don’t like Vietnam all that much).

I think I’ve sat down here for the last two hours purely because I wanted to punish her and make her worry. She deserved it. But that’s just the childish part of me coming out again. I couldn’t have stayed in the room though. It was too stuffy in there with the two of us and I wouldn’t have been free of her annoying me.

Anyways, I think the staff here have almost given up hope of me leaving. The restaraunt has been empty except for me, for the last hour or so. They’ve made it clear they want to go home – actually I think they have all gone home except the manager. So I might clear out and go back upstairs. I’ll shut myself in the bathroom and wash my hair or something –  a last resorted attempt to shut myself in another room/somewhere away from my mother.

Goodnight.

February 11, 2010 Posted by | Cambodia/Vietnam Trip, experiences, family, just a quick note, life, moods, people, Personal, trouble | Leave a comment

Procrastination and over thinking things…

I think I may have a small problem when it comes to guys… I’m beginning to notice a trend, which I really don’t like and don’t want to be true at all. I’ve noticed lately that I seem to have an attraction to guys that I eventually find out are already taken. Of course, with my Boss I knew he was in a relationship before the crush developed, so that was an exception. But is it purely coincidence that as soon as he was almost available I moved on from the 3 year long obsession? I cannot ignore the fact that there were certain events which culminated in me moving on, and I’m sure that I’m just trying to connect this up to fit my new trend. That’s the way the mind works after all – piecing things together to fit into new theories that can scare ourselves.

It’s not only my boss though. At my first tutorial for second year creative writing, the first guy that I met was slightly older than me, but nice nonetheless. I know it sounds foolish, but I felt like there was a connection between us, and since then it has been 3 hours every Tuesday of watching out the corner of my eyes for when he stares at me, or me listening intently to what he says. At the first tutorial, I hadn’t noticed that he was wearing a wedding ring on his finger, but the next week I did. While he was talking, he mentioned briefly something about wanting to write about the last year that he spent in Africa with his wife. As he said this, he looked straight at me… and yet I know he stares too. It’s even stranger because of not only that, but I think he also slightly reminds me of my boss. He’s been in the army, he’s buff, and he’s been the state champion at hang gliding for the last 5 years. Amazing no?

However, two’s not enough is it? Another example: the first guy that I met from my college. Last year at a party I met a small group of people from my college at a party of a mutual friend who goes to another college. I was instantly drawn to him and out of the few people I had met from the college that night, he was the one that had stuck in my memory and the only one I had thought ‘”what if…?” about. I had looked forward to seeing him again when I came to college, but alas, he has a steady girlfriend who he has been with for over a year now. She also lives here at the college. As it is, I’m fairly sure he’s a bit of a play boy, playing the girls for all he’s worth… even though he’s supposedly officially a one woman man these days. But for some reason I still feel that connection, attraction and I suppose to some extent even some envy of his girlfriend.

The worst part is that I know that I don’t want to be that girl. The one that steals other people’s boyfriends, then gets bored with them and tosses them away. I don’t want to be the one that ruins relationships and lives – even if it’s the boyfriends decision and not mine like it was in the case of my Boss. I don’t want to be ‘the other woman’. In fact, I despise that. So why am I subconsciously sabotaging that and becoming my own worst enemy?

I think what it is that draws me to these fellas and other is the eyes. I look for a connection with people. When I look at someone and I can look into their eyes and actually see some depth in them, I feel a connection of sorts. I don’t know what it is. I know it sounds incredibly corny and childish, but I like to, I dunno, “fall into” someone’s eyes. I like to be able to search their eyes when something’s wrong and be able to find more depth than if I was looking into someone’s eyes that had nothing there – just blank and shallow eyes. Maybe I’m just attracted to guys who like secrets or are extremely emotional in a quiet and guarded way. They’re all intellectuals and hide a lot beneath the surface althought they fool most people… Maybe secretive and mysterious is my type. Someone who is smart and challenging. Someone that I can never quite figure out. maybe that’s it? Maybe, once I have them figured out and I have an opportunity to actually be with someone properly, maybe that’s when I start to get bored really quickly.

Who knows. Maybe I have a type. Maybe I don’t.

Wither way, it’s sad really.

August 26, 2009 Posted by | bored, idiotic, life, love, observation, people, procrastinating, secrets, trouble | 4 Comments

Just a quick note…

I won’t bother writing about the weekend and my boss at the moment. I have neither the time or the patience… plus that saga has extended for far too long on this blog. Let’s just say I’m sick of it and I feel sick about the fact that I actually went did any of what I’ve already written.

I will say this though, it is official. They broke up.

Anyways, I have a philosophy exam tomorrow, which I’m fairly sure that I’m screwed for, so it shall be fun. If only someone could tell me how to learn it in my sleep… because that’s what I plan on doing in a minute instead of staying up any longer and studying. Because that would obviously be silly…. *sigh* owell.

June 7, 2009 Posted by | exams, just a quick note, Personal, philosophy, trouble | Leave a comment

Quote of the Week 4

‘Often we attack and make ourselves enemies, to conceal that we are vulnerable.’

– Friedrich Nietzsche


June 5, 2009 Posted by | Quote of the Week, Quotes by People, trouble | Leave a comment

My Boss : Part 16 (A dream)

I’ve had a restless and unsuccessful night’s sleep so far, but I just woke from a dream which I want to write down so I remember it. In one way I’m thinking is probably slightly to punish myself and remember what I’ve done. Who knows…

The dream was us at work except strangely it was set inside my room at my Dad’s old house. My Boss, his fiance, one of the other girls and I were all there working together. Everything was fine for a small portion as we bustled around the place. I wasn’t talking to him on the majority. I very vaguely saying a few words to me. I think they were supposed to be words about how he was sorting things out and it was going to be alright, but I’m not completely sure. He was talking to his fiance and following her around the ‘store’ that was my room asking her things and she seemed to be continuing to bustle so that that way she wouldn’t really have to face him. She seemed pretty upset but you could only tell by the occasional quiver or tremor in her voice. 

I don’t remember all of the conversations in the dream but I remember small pieces here and there. I remember him saying to her firstly, “See this is exactly what I mean about you putting up barriers and blocking me out.” They fought a bit after that at a relatively normal voice level. Me and the other girl working continued to sort of pretend to be busy and try not to look like we were listening in. They were arguing and the fiance was beginning to get more upset, teary and hoarse as she said things and he was starting to shout things back in the same hoarse fashion. By this stage I was standing next to the bed very still and looking down, trying not to disturb them or get caught in between them. I can’t remember what they were yelling at this point, but the fiance stopped a foot in front of my to face my Boss who was now standing beside me and leaning on the bunk bed. I was so aware of the fact that he was fighting with her while standing next to me that I felt guilty so I picked up a small cloth and moved away to the stereo on the other side of the room.

Then my Boss was asking exasperatedly, “Then why is it I have someone talking to all my friends today about my desire issues?” By this stage I was placing the cloth over on the table like table cloth type thing and for some reason the fiance had followed me across to make sure I did it right, so their conversation was still right next to me. She turned bak to him and was yelling something sarcastically about how of course if they split up he’d want to make sure that his dick was ok after all the trauma and everything. At this point I made to leave from the room and headed straight for the door. They didn’t notice as far as I could tell and I only heard things about them fighting about how it was or wasn’t about his dick.

As I left the room, I passed into the dark hallway and the living room both which were dark except for the light spilling in from the kitchen where my sister was sat at the dining table doing the crossword for some reason. I sat down next to her and she asked me when my Boss and his fiance were finally going to either get married or split up, and I said that they had broken up – a fact which I had to pretend I had no reason to know why and that I had just found out about, while I guiltily and secretly had already known for a few days because he had told me. My sister used to work at the same place so she knows them both well and she was shocked but she seemed to listen to them and me like it was just the gossip, nothing more.

While I was telling her this there was hysterical and very raised hoarse shouting coming from my Boss and his fiance in the room I had left before. I don’t remember it all but I remember the sound of it and it was heartbreakingly horrible to hear it. The hauntingly clearest part was his fiance screaming “Then why…” I didn’t catch the last part, but you could just hear the desperation and pleading in her voice. and then his answer came back even worse as he shouted, “This is all your fault.” 

But the sound of that last part was the most horrible of all and that’s the part that I woke up with resounding in my head over and over again biting into me. It wasn’t cruel or blaming in the sense that males are usually portrayed as through stereotypes – aggressive, dangerous and threatening as they blame the woman for everything. It was more like he was on the last straw and couldn’t take it any longer. Like he was desperate and said this as a last attempt to tell her. Of course having it repeating in my head when I woke, I felt like it was more a message to me instead of his fiance – guilty conscience on my behalf kicking in much?

Anyway, he then stormed out of the bedroom he had been in and walked across the hall (strangely the house morphed at that point to have some extra parts, because the area that he walked straight out and into didn’t exist in my Dad’s old house). He had a couple – three I think and all women – people chase close behind him and I was pretty sure none of them were his fiance. My first reaction was to go see how she was because I could just imagine her still in the bedroom probably on the floor quietly sobbing uncontrollably. Strangely, after that first instinct in the dream I then thought that I probably should go to see My Boss first to make sure he was OK and not her. The obligation lied with him though and not the fiance that I actually wanted to check on. Strange priorities for my dream I guess. Then again I had the same reaction when he texted me that they were no longer together.

Funnily though I remember odd details from the dream with vivid memory as well. Like the fact that my dad had been using the bathroom at the time and at one point when my sister and I had been listening to the fighting down the hall, he farted. My sister then turned to me and said, “Yeah dad’s taking a shit.” I then replied with, “Oh. What charming noises to have mixed into this” referring to the yelling match. Other small details as well like the fact that my sister was eating out the bowls my dad always used, eating the Oat mix he used to eat; the fact that I still had scarves and ribbons tied in a web thing on the bunk bed in my room like I used to when I was a kid; the stereo had moved areas in my room; and that it was stormy and dark outside the window of my room but just dark and normal outside the window outside the kitchen.

But most of all  just remember the horrible sounds of both of their voices as they shouted. Not the normal shouting match kind, but the desperate breaking kind that sounds so rough and like it’s going to break – the really emotional kind of shout of someone at their wits end and exasperated. It was horrible and heart breaking. I never ever want to hear that again.

June 3, 2009 Posted by | dreams, emotions, love, people, Personal, secrets, trouble, work | Leave a comment