…entre nous soit dit…

between me you and the gatepost.

FML…

Ok ignoring my emotional outpouring shit from last night and the fact that I’ve been EXHAUSTED all day as a result, today has been shiiiiiiiiiite.

Today for work we were put out on the same site as yesterday which is practically the hills and half an hour away from the city area. Yesterday it was busy and I almost hit a big target, but today its been DEAD. Actually dead is an understatement. Its honestly depressing.

For the majority of the day I was looking at earning a measely $10 for the whole day – iv spent more than that on food alone! Let’s not even think about the petrol it takes to get out to this site. Its bull shiiiiiiiiite….

Owell. Back to work for the last 20 minutes…

April 3, 2010 Posted by | bored, disapointment, work | Leave a comment

Hectic Life + Sickness = Shitty Times :)

I’m so sick and tired of being sick! gahhhhhhh!

Being ill sucks big time and I’m just soooooooo over it. I want it to go away and just be done with me (whatever this illness is). My voice goes between absolutely retarded and semi normal. It sounds so stupid and I’m sick of it.

I have a ball tomorrow night and thanks to this sickness (and the fact that I’m not happy with the dress I’m to wear), I’m really not all that enthusiastic about the Ball. Then again it could also be something to do with the fact that I haven’t gone out with any one from St Georges (well I haven’t really gone out at all lately) and I haven’t even just chilled with them, because I’ve been working bloody full time. 

Like, as much as I appreciate and need the money, my father is paying for me to go to college and by me working full time, I’m not getting the full experience of college and I’m not getting everything out of it that I should…. not to mention I’ve now royally screwed myself over for my exams (thanks to me being a slacker all semester!).

Owell. What ya gonna do about it?

Better go because I have work in an hour and a half and I still need to go to the shops, pick up books, pack things up etc. Yay for a hectic life… No really, it sucks.

ps. One of my articles was published in the University Newspaper… woop woop (yeh that really wasn’t enthusiastic…)

October 9, 2009 Posted by | college, sick, work | Leave a comment

My Boss : Part 16 (A dream)

I’ve had a restless and unsuccessful night’s sleep so far, but I just woke from a dream which I want to write down so I remember it. In one way I’m thinking is probably slightly to punish myself and remember what I’ve done. Who knows…

The dream was us at work except strangely it was set inside my room at my Dad’s old house. My Boss, his fiance, one of the other girls and I were all there working together. Everything was fine for a small portion as we bustled around the place. I wasn’t talking to him on the majority. I very vaguely saying a few words to me. I think they were supposed to be words about how he was sorting things out and it was going to be alright, but I’m not completely sure. He was talking to his fiance and following her around the ‘store’ that was my room asking her things and she seemed to be continuing to bustle so that that way she wouldn’t really have to face him. She seemed pretty upset but you could only tell by the occasional quiver or tremor in her voice. 

I don’t remember all of the conversations in the dream but I remember small pieces here and there. I remember him saying to her firstly, “See this is exactly what I mean about you putting up barriers and blocking me out.” They fought a bit after that at a relatively normal voice level. Me and the other girl working continued to sort of pretend to be busy and try not to look like we were listening in. They were arguing and the fiance was beginning to get more upset, teary and hoarse as she said things and he was starting to shout things back in the same hoarse fashion. By this stage I was standing next to the bed very still and looking down, trying not to disturb them or get caught in between them. I can’t remember what they were yelling at this point, but the fiance stopped a foot in front of my to face my Boss who was now standing beside me and leaning on the bunk bed. I was so aware of the fact that he was fighting with her while standing next to me that I felt guilty so I picked up a small cloth and moved away to the stereo on the other side of the room.

Then my Boss was asking exasperatedly, “Then why is it I have someone talking to all my friends today about my desire issues?” By this stage I was placing the cloth over on the table like table cloth type thing and for some reason the fiance had followed me across to make sure I did it right, so their conversation was still right next to me. She turned bak to him and was yelling something sarcastically about how of course if they split up he’d want to make sure that his dick was ok after all the trauma and everything. At this point I made to leave from the room and headed straight for the door. They didn’t notice as far as I could tell and I only heard things about them fighting about how it was or wasn’t about his dick.

As I left the room, I passed into the dark hallway and the living room both which were dark except for the light spilling in from the kitchen where my sister was sat at the dining table doing the crossword for some reason. I sat down next to her and she asked me when my Boss and his fiance were finally going to either get married or split up, and I said that they had broken up – a fact which I had to pretend I had no reason to know why and that I had just found out about, while I guiltily and secretly had already known for a few days because he had told me. My sister used to work at the same place so she knows them both well and she was shocked but she seemed to listen to them and me like it was just the gossip, nothing more.

While I was telling her this there was hysterical and very raised hoarse shouting coming from my Boss and his fiance in the room I had left before. I don’t remember it all but I remember the sound of it and it was heartbreakingly horrible to hear it. The hauntingly clearest part was his fiance screaming “Then why…” I didn’t catch the last part, but you could just hear the desperation and pleading in her voice. and then his answer came back even worse as he shouted, “This is all your fault.” 

But the sound of that last part was the most horrible of all and that’s the part that I woke up with resounding in my head over and over again biting into me. It wasn’t cruel or blaming in the sense that males are usually portrayed as through stereotypes – aggressive, dangerous and threatening as they blame the woman for everything. It was more like he was on the last straw and couldn’t take it any longer. Like he was desperate and said this as a last attempt to tell her. Of course having it repeating in my head when I woke, I felt like it was more a message to me instead of his fiance – guilty conscience on my behalf kicking in much?

Anyway, he then stormed out of the bedroom he had been in and walked across the hall (strangely the house morphed at that point to have some extra parts, because the area that he walked straight out and into didn’t exist in my Dad’s old house). He had a couple – three I think and all women – people chase close behind him and I was pretty sure none of them were his fiance. My first reaction was to go see how she was because I could just imagine her still in the bedroom probably on the floor quietly sobbing uncontrollably. Strangely, after that first instinct in the dream I then thought that I probably should go to see My Boss first to make sure he was OK and not her. The obligation lied with him though and not the fiance that I actually wanted to check on. Strange priorities for my dream I guess. Then again I had the same reaction when he texted me that they were no longer together.

Funnily though I remember odd details from the dream with vivid memory as well. Like the fact that my dad had been using the bathroom at the time and at one point when my sister and I had been listening to the fighting down the hall, he farted. My sister then turned to me and said, “Yeah dad’s taking a shit.” I then replied with, “Oh. What charming noises to have mixed into this” referring to the yelling match. Other small details as well like the fact that my sister was eating out the bowls my dad always used, eating the Oat mix he used to eat; the fact that I still had scarves and ribbons tied in a web thing on the bunk bed in my room like I used to when I was a kid; the stereo had moved areas in my room; and that it was stormy and dark outside the window of my room but just dark and normal outside the window outside the kitchen.

But most of all  just remember the horrible sounds of both of their voices as they shouted. Not the normal shouting match kind, but the desperate breaking kind that sounds so rough and like it’s going to break – the really emotional kind of shout of someone at their wits end and exasperated. It was horrible and heart breaking. I never ever want to hear that again.

June 3, 2009 Posted by | dreams, emotions, love, people, Personal, secrets, trouble, work | Leave a comment

My Boss : Part 15 (the context now…)

Ok so I’ve realised that the last blog doesn’t really make any sense without the full context. So I figured that I should probably at least fill in the gaps. On sunday at work (which I had dreaded all week) I got to work with one of the other bosses because my usual boss was working in another store doing some building or fixing of some stuff… I dunno. Some manual labour anyways. That was brilliant – it couldn’t have worked out any better.

For the purpose of this so it’s not confusing the boss that I usually have will remain as ‘my boss’ and the one I spent Sunday with instead shall be ‘my manager’ even though technically it’s more the other way around.

So anyways during work at some point my boss was texting my manager saying that the manual labour that he had to do that day was so shit. My manager asked me if I had any message to pass on to my boss in the reply text and I eventually I said to say, “Haha sucks to be you. We’re having a blast here.” So he sent that. My boss replied to this with “Yeah seems to be like that a lot lately. Please say hey to her for me *sigh*” My manager of course was like what the fuck was up with that? He didn’t understand it at all but I did. I played along with that and tried to cover my anger and shock at the fact that he would send that – especially to my manager who is also the cousin of my boss’s fiance. He was such an idiot, I couldn’t believe it.

So later on I sent him some angry texts saying “what the hell was that message to [my manager] before?” He tried to reassure me that the “hey” and the things sucking for him recently were unrelated. That wasn’t what I cared about though and I told him as much:

Me: “I never assumed they were related. I was referring to the *sigh* and the fact that it sounded so depressing. [My manager] thinks there’s something up with u lately but he can’t put his finger on it… and he’s not stupid.”

That’s the thing about my manager – for all that he acts like a carefree, party hard kind of guy, he’s actually incredibly perceptive and analyses everything with fine detail. He’s incredibly, incredibly smart, it’s just not really obvious because he masks it well with a brilliant and bubbly personality. He’s said a number of things to me over the years about my Boss and I. small snide comments while laughing like “get a room” and those sorts of things. Of all the people that it scares me the most to hear that sort of thing even jokingly from, he is one of two. The only other person to top him being my boss’s fiancé herself.

I was so mad at him then. He said that nothing would come back to me to which I replied, that nothing was that simple. I wanted to say to him that it wasn’t me that I was looking out for and the reason that I was so mad. Then I realised that it was because I was being selfish – because I didn’t want to get dragged into all this shit and blamed and as a consequence lose all my friends from work. When really that’s what I deserve to have happen. After all I got myself into this mess so surely I should have to suffer the consequences of my actions. Karma right?

So anyways then he asked me about a text message I had sent him on the Friday night while drunk. It had only said “.” and that was it. He asked if it was supposed to be symbolic for “The End.” The conversation after that went as follows:

Me: “Haha. No the end was last sunday. The moment I said that was what I wanted and u turned off fall out boy THAT was the end. No in truth the message was me drunk and accidently sending that.”

Boss: “Maybe for you. I can’t just turn of how I feel for you.”

Me: “Haha whatever. I was just a fanciful distraction for u. Nothing more.”

Boss: “You’re wrong.”

Me: “Whatever. We’ve passed the end. Time to move on. I won’t text u again and I’m sorry for doing so tonight.”

That was that, and he didn’t reply. Part of me was waiting by the phone every second hoping he would reply, but another part of me was screaming internally at the fact that I had let all of this affect me so much. At the fact that I managed to go on a semi date with a really nice and good looking guy from Uni and I enjoyed myself, but yet when he kissed me it didn’t feel like anything special, and that I can’t attach any feelings to him at all. I was so angry at myself and at my Boss.

Then a few hours later, on Sunday night, he did reply. It was a very long mile off anything that I was ever expecting to receive from him.

My Boss: “I love you. I don’t say this lightly, and I’ve been thinking about us for a long time. There’s nothing I can do about it now, or in the near future. But I think we’re great friends as well and I don’t want to lose you. I’d really like to try being friends if you think you can. [his fiance] and I aren’t together anymore, you are the only one who knows, please don’t tell anyone.”

Needless to say, everything sort of just disappeared from my head and from the world when I read that. I was surprised. I was horrified. I was almost happy. I was sad. I was angry. Most of all though, I was plain and simply shocked. Shocked beyond belief. The conversation that followed proved that:

Me: “U aren’t supposed to say that.”

Boss: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Those 3 words. U aren’t supposed to say them to me…”

Boss: “I can’t help how I feel. I’m sorry.”

Me: “And you broke up with [his fiance] tonight? How is [she] coping?? How r u coping?”
{NOTE: I really wanted to make sure his fiance was alright or at least dealing with it slightly and not a complete wreck. I added the question about him last purely because I knew that it was altogether too cold for me not to ask. Plus I knew at this point he would be tearing himself apart inside if I knew him like I used to think I did}

Boss: “We’re fine. Can I call you?”

Me: “No. I never talk to people on the phone. Let alone now. I’m sorry but I couldn’t cope with talking to u. This is the part where I’m supposed to vanish.”

I suppose in retrospect that was all really harsh for him to hear from someone he just said “i love you” too. That’s one of the worst feelings in the world I imagine, to say that to someone only to have them not say it back because they don’t feel the same way. The thing is if you asked me just over a week ago I would have readily said that I was fairly sure I loved him. That’s why he hurt me so damn much last Sunday. However, since then my barriers, guards, brick walls and all those emotional defenses that I spent years building, kicked in and now I’m reluctant to even admit it here. 

Even given that, no matter whether it was today, Sunday or the week before, I would have never ever admitted to him that I loved him. No that would be cruel. If he broke off his engagement, then knowing how I felt would have stopped him moving on with his life from this phase. If he hadn’t then he would have always wondered “what ifs” and this whole thing would drag out longer and probably get worse. I was always clear in my resolve not to ever tell him my feelings, and I think I at least succeeded in that since I failed at almost everything else.

All of this is the reason why the letters between Edward and Bella in the story that I copied into the previous posting reminded me of our situation. 

1. The fact that this Edward over thinks everything just like my boss

2. This Bella analyses and edits everything people say like I do.

3. I some times think, “Replaying unpleasant thoughts that are killing you seems to be something unique and almost romantic. A sort of sweet torture. is what my Boss does as well like this Edward.

4. Bella’s philosophy in life which is the same as me right down to the point: “I’ll cut something out of my life quickly if it looks like it will bring me unneeded pain and drama… Life throws enough curveballs your way – you don’t have to add to them voluntarily.”

5. The fact that like them, we seemed to have cramped, well not a normal relationship, but whatever it is that we had, from the kiss to the messy ending (and I suppose “breakup” of sorts) into a very intense couple of weeks, when usually that would all be spread over months or even years for other normal couples.

6. One of the points that really drove home: “… how easy it would be for me to become “that girl” one day with you” For them it was slightly different, but this would always be something that would plague my mind in the impossible event that I was ever with him. If he can leave the woman that he asked to spend the rest of her life with and has already spent six years with, what’s to say that he couldn’t do that again. That he wouldn’t fall in love with some other younger girl again like he did this time. There’s nothing to stop history repeating itself here and truth is I would never fully trust him I don’t think. There would always be that doubt.

And that’s it more or less. He didn’t reply after I’d said he couldn’t call me. He texted this morning asking what I was up to on this fine day, being all casual and light like he used to be when he texted. I didn’t reply. I was almost disgusted that he could be so easy and happy despite everything. 

Everything is pretty much up to date now. I texted one of the other girls at work and asked to trade shifts with her for this coming Sunday. Assuming he will be working there again, I don’t want to have to spend a whole day with him. So instead, I will be taking the 4-hour shift in the other store with my manager. She can work with my boss in my usual shop. Of course I’ll have to see him both Saturday and Sunday at some point (most likely when I have to give 30 minute breaks in their shop), but I can’t avoid that without leaving my job, and at this point in time I can’t afford to be completely unemployed and wage-less. So, this is the step closest to it – not working in the shop with him at all if I can manage it.

I’m sure he’ll probably be hurt by this and I can’t avoid that either, but I have to avoid him, so that’s what I’ll be doing. Anyways at this rate chances are I’ll be sick seeing as how I’m not sleeping enough in order to get better. So I’ll go to sleep now I think. I have to get up early for my great Aunt’s funeral anyway. So good night.

June 1, 2009 Posted by | emotions, experiences, idiotic, life, love, moods, observation, people, Personal, work | Leave a comment

My Boss : Part 14 (reminders and similarities)

Well winter has set in, which is an absolute plus, but with that also comes the damned synus infections that I always get every year. If I could have them removed I truly would. So instead of using today as a study day like I should have been, I spent the whole day more or less feeling sorry for myself, sleeping and procrastinating. One of those forms of procrastination was reading a new story off the Fan Fiction website. The new one I’m reading is ‘I Hate Myself For Loving You’ by Halojones [Note this is not my story and I claim no credit for it].

When reading one of the chapters though, I couldn’t help making some links between the story and the situation with my boss. It seemed almost to be like us talking in the story. Freaky. But here it is:

Dear Bella,

I know it’s only been 7 days, but I thought I’d write you a letter and give it to Alice. That way you could decide if you wanted to open it or not.

I just keep thinking about our last talk because it didn’t turn out like I had hoped. I wanted to let you know I was sorry and I wanted to earn your trust back. But once I got in front of you, I said any stray thought that came into my mind.

All I wanted to say were those two things.

Sorry.

I want to earn your trust back.

That’s all. I know I showed you my worst side within a matter of hours, and it hurts to know that is the last impression I gave you before you took your “break.”

 

09/16

Edward,

I am pretty good at editing and organizing people’s words-if you had ever met my mother, you would understand how I got so good at that.I did glean those two things out of our conversation actually, and I appreciate that.

Know that I think you have a good heart and you mean well. I just worry that you can be careless. Carelessness scares me-the two people I love most in this world can be careless. And without meaning to, they have wreaked alot of unnecessary havoc with simply not thinking first. I hope you understand my point, and know I don’t say this to be rude. It’s just something I felt I needed to explain to you in light of the fact I had stressed the need for you to be careful in the first place. It’s one of those deal breakers for me in terms of who I can have around me or not.

 

09/16

Dearest Bella,

I don’t think that’s rude at all. I’m very grateful you shared that with me. I can be careless. I think I’ve been able to get away with being careless for a long time now. I always thought having some sort of charm was a gift, but maybe it’s made it too easy for me to get what I want-even when I don’t deserve it.

If you want to share anything else with me regarding what happened, I would appreciate it. I really don’t know what is going through your mind right now, and it’s killing me not knowing. I can’t stop thinking what you think of me.

 

09/18

Edward,

I appreciate what you said about carelessness-if we were all so “unlucky” to be born with natural dazzling abilities!

Um…in some ways my mind isn’t thinking about it or you honestly. That’s where I wonder if we are somewhat different Edward. Please don’t be offended-but you seem to have had a pretty comfy existence. Nice family, nice lifestyle, nice car, nice life. Replaying unpleasant thoughts that are killing you seems to be something unique and almost romantic. A sort of sweet torture.

I haven’t had a horrible life in comparison. But it’s had it’s share of challenges. I’ve shared with you alot of those challenges. And at this point in my life, I’ll cut something out of my life quickly if it looks like it will bring me unneeded pain and drama. I feel like I have alot on my plate as it is with trying to get through school and make a living. Life throws enough curveballs your way-you don’t have to add to them voluntarily.

 

09/18

Dearest Bella,

You are wrong-it’s not a sweet torture. It’s not something romantic at all for me. I feel sad you would even think I would treat it as some emotional lab experiment for myself.

Is that what you are doing right now? Cutting me out of your life? I just need to know.

 

09/22

Edward,

If I was cutting you out of my life, I would have said that to you. And I would have if I needed to.

But I do think we needed a break. We basically crammed a normal relationship-from first meeting to bad breakup–into a matter of hours. Nita at the tattoo parlor said as much. The only place we had left to go at that point was being featured on “America’s Most Wanted” for a nation wide crime spree. I’m not ready for the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted List yet. I’d lose my partial scholarship if I did that!

ps: I believe you about it not being a sweet torture. I can be a bit presumptious at times-always feel free to call me on it when I overindulge my natural sense of superiority.:)

ps: I lied. I do think about that night sometimes. I’ll tell you one thing I do wonder about. This may sound weird, but one of the things that bothered me the most was how you treated the girl you were with. You were all fine and dandy feeling her up in public-but the minute you saw me and knew I saw you, you totally pushed her aside and ignored her the rest of the night. That actually creeped me out. I felt like me and that girl were in the same boat in alot of ways actually that night, and it made me think how easy it would be for me to become “that girl” one day with you. And I also felt like it sucked to know that you act so differently depending on my presence-or lack thereof. It’s hard for me understand you, because your presence wasn’t needed for me to behave a certain way that night. I was still on a meadow high.

To read the whole story: 

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4161407/13/I_Hate_Myself_For_Loving_You

   

 

 

June 1, 2009 Posted by | emotions, love, observation, sick, work | 1 Comment

My Boss : Part 13 (freedom)

I’ve been putting off writing this. I have no desire to relive it, and yet I do numerous times in my head. At least it’s getting slightly fuzzy already – I guess that’s my guards kicking in to block the memories out – however that doesn’t really help me for this accounting. I should have written this on sunday night or even yesterday, but truth is every time I got to the computer and pulled up the page, I couldn’t bring myself to write it or said that I was too tired, which is funny considering last night I could have sworn I was actually afraid to go to sleep. When I finally did allow myself to sleep, I had some horrible dream in my semi awake state and that freaked me out even more. I don’t even remember what it was about, but I remember staring at the bedroom door for a while after it. But I managed some sleep around 3.30 or 4am.
Anyways… Getting more to the point…
Let’s start with something brief about Saturday, seeing as that was the last time I actually wrote an entry on this blog. After I had written it, I went to my cousin’s 40th birthday party at a pub. I was given access to a bar tab and a lovely young (good looking) guy who made me some form of cocktail with a lot of alcohol in it. I didn’t care what it was so long as it was alcoholic, but he made me some lovely drink anyway and kept them coming. So I preceded to drink away so I could forget Saturday’s text messages. Of course I didn’t forget. After two of these toxic drinks, I sent a text to my boss saying “In the event that there are any forethcoming drunken messages, I apologise in advance hahaha”. Of course, after I texted him once that lead to us continuously texting… as I continuously drank. The best message to show my slight anger and annoyance I think was this:
Me: “hahahaha ur rhyming. That’s epic sad. And don’t u dare come see me. I’m happy with my stoic day and drunk night (inc many drunk txts to everyoneeee 😀 hehe) u stay where u are. Jeeze seeing as ur gonna break her heart, u could at least give her a little time.”
Pretty harsh really, and he said that in his reply – a text that only consisted of the word “harsh”, which I then apologised for… not that I was really feeling sorry, because it was the truth at the time. I said sorry more to make him feel better, which is what I usually do. He berates himself far too much as it is.
So the next day I get to work and I apologise for the text message again. He says it’s alright it was just very harsh. He wanted to make it clear to me that it wasn’t like all of this was easy for him. It wasn’t some easy decision that he got to make – it was tearing him up inside slowly as he made it. I said I understood that and I didn’t think that it was just something he was flippantly going to decide upon. I knew that. I did. After the apologies were set aside we both stood there, both thinking of the same subject, but neither wanting to bring it up so early on in the day. We hadn’t even been working for an hour by this point. So we both fell silent. 
I usually have no problem with silences, in fact I think I probably almost like them half the time. But this wasn’t one of our usual comfortable silences – this was one of those heavy ones that you could feel upon your whole body and mind, one that if made of a solid item would be like a heavy iron weight. So finally I broke the silence and told him if I didn’t ask now, then I would just be wondering all day: I asked him to explain everything, the things that had gone into the decision that he had been suggesting the day before. So there started his explanation:
The problem with his relationship with his fiance isn’t that he doesn’t still love her, but it’s that he doesn’t think he’s going to get what he needs in a relationship from her. The thing about the two of them is that he is very intense and a deep thinker, whereas his fiance is very laid back, casual and (for lack of a better term) simpler. They still live in her house with her parents, and they just bought a shared block of land with her parents that they’re going to start building a house on so that they’ll have a big house together. My boss wants to move out with his fiance and get their own place, but she doesn’t want to. She’s comfortable sponging off her parents I think. So this is where they have been for the past 5 years.
That’s one of the parts that annoys him – the fact that since 6 months into their relationship when they moved in together, since then their relationship hasn’t progressed or developed significantly. They have become engaged and that’s it. My boss wants someone who is dedicated to the relationship and making a strong bond – one strong enough for a family to be started upon. Someone who is going to base their world around him and him alone. He wants to be enough for them – that’s he’s all they need. Just him. To me that sounds so intense, that it would eventually drive a couple mad. The only times I’ve ever heard of that working is in the movies. But hey, that’s what he wants from her and he’s not getting it.
He doesn’t think he’s ever going to be able to get that from his fiance and he needs that in life. He doesn’t see the point in continuing the relationship forever if he can’t get that from her. Kudos to him if he can ever find someone that will be able to do that for the rest of their lives with him. Personally, I think if he could just convince his fiance to move out into their own home with him then they would be happier.
So that was that. As it became clearer and clearer that his decision was not finally resolved, but definitely gaining more clarity in the direction of breaking up, I became more focused on ending my part in all of this. At one point he said to me that it was weird that he was telling me this considering that when we got into a relationship it would be like he had been telling me all of that before it even started. I clarified then that he was talking about him and myself. He was. It was at that point I said something along the lines of, “You know that you and I could never have a relationship. Even if it was in a couple of years time once all of this was over.” His face sort of dropped at that point although he did accept it.
Not that that stuff matters. I was just determined to end it. He’d said some things that made me feel pretty much like absolute crap by this point, so I was already pretty upset and resorting to folding the t-shirts away from the counter again (something we never do unless thinking or upset). He came over to me while I was standing there to talk to me. I’ll try and write out a rough copy of what happened (keeping in mind that this is what I remember of it).
Boss: “Look I understand if you need to leave here and get away, but I can’t understand us not seeing each other.”
Me: “What’s the point of me leaving here to get away, if I’m going to keep seeing you though?… There is none.”
Boss: “Not even text messages? Nothing at all? Ever?”
Me: “Nothing…. I think it’s for the best that way.”
Boss: “No I don’t think that’s what you really want. I can accept you leaving here and I would accept this as well if I thought it was what you actually wanted, but I think you’re doing this just because you think you have to or should do.”
Me: “This is what I want.”
Those last two parts played out exactly like it does in all the dramatic scenes of movies and books where the central couple split up because one of them sacrifices themselves for what they believe is right. They always have to appear like it’s truly what they want – enough so that the other person will believe it and go along with it (naive to the fact that it was actually for their own good). 
At the moment when I said that, everything outside of the little bubble we seemed to be in just fell out of the world and everything went silent. I watched as his whole face dropped and you could see the agony there. Finally he said “ok” nodded and walked back to the desk where he stopped the Fall Out Boy CD (which he made to play in the store because it has “our” song on it) and changed it to another CD. At that moment I was still at the t-shirts with my body facing away from the counter trying so hard not to burst out into tears. For my plan to work, I couldn’t show that I was hurting so badly.
It was that precise moment as I stood there trying to control silent sobs and the music changed that it felt like you could just feel two hearts slowly breaking in the store.
I know how incredibly stupid that sounds and how corny it is, but it’s true. The air felt heavier, the noise just died and it seemed like what we had together was just like the Fall Out Boy CD that was stopped, taken out, and put away somewhere where it won’t be seen again. I felt acutely aware of where I’m pretty damn sure he was standing at that exact moment as well somehow. It was so… strange… for lack of a better word.
The thing is, it wasn’t just all of this that had hurt me. What hurt me the most was some of the things that he had said. It was lots of small things, that he may not have realised at the time were hurtful to say, but they were and they hurt me successfully none the less. It was just small things like the fact that when he texted me every day, it wasn’t like it was taking time away from the time he should be with his fiance, it was more along the lines of the fact that because they don’t spend much time together, he has time to kill. In other words I’m a time filler.
Other things as well, like making it sound as though he used me as a substitute to make up for the things that he lacked in his relationship with his fiance – ie doing things even as simple as just listening to music together and spending time together like that. He also made it sound at one point as though he was only interested in me because of the physical factor. He didn’t get enough from his fiance, and he was attracted to my body and that was enough (not that he ever really got anything out of that side). I’d never felt so cheap, little, dirty, and used as I did in his presence as he said all these things.
But who cares now. It doesn’t matter. This weekend coming I think I’m going to see if I can trade shifts with one of the girls from the other store for sunday. It will probably mean losing a lot of money because I’ll probably have to take a shorter shift, but owell. At least minimal money is better than no money, and this is only temporary anyway.
In the mean time, I’m going to hang out with University friends, forget about all of this and move on. My blocking mechanisms have kicked in and already I can feel everything dulling. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. The songs that he used to love that I listen to along with the depressing music are now just becoming regular songs and I’m ignoring the connections they have to him. I like the music, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let my memory connect them to him every time I play them just to bring me down. I will play happy songs next to the sad ones. I will sing and I will laugh.
After all “If it were not for hope, the heart would break” (English Proverb)… and as the days go by and I cope with this better and better, I realise that I’m sick of this, I refuse to let him tear at my heart, and I have so many other things in front of me to look forward.
This has set me free.

May 26, 2009 Posted by | emotions, experiences, life, love, people, Personal, work | Leave a comment

My Boss : Part 12 (the end is in sight)

Ok, so while it is not yet official, it may as well be: My boss is breaking off the engagement with his fiance. One would assume that would also mean that they would split altogether, but until tomorrow when I see him and he explains it all, I shall not know for sure.
He is a fool.
I’m a home wrecker.
Brilliant.
This situation has slowly spiraled out of control and downhill gathering speed the further it went and I suppose this is karma biting me in the butt for not having left long ago. It’s my own fault that I’m now in this situation – the one that I thought (and never even in my wildest dreams thought) would happen. But alas, this is what it has come to.
I was talking to one of my friends from University the other day about the whole matter and she said even though I didn’t want to hear it, maybe it was better for him to leave his fiance f his head wasn’t in the right place, and if he was already distracted and not giving her his whole heart when they haven’t even tied the knot yet. If he can’t do it now, how would he be able to do it in years to come after they had tied the knot? When she said it I thought she made a fair point although I didn’t like it. She suggested that he take some time out from everything and think about where his head is at and realise what he wants to be doing and where he wants to be. Once again I thought that was a decent idea. After all, I don’t like all this secrecy and I think it’s cheating on his fiance regardless of the fact that there’s no sex or whatever one usually assumes for one to be cheating.
However today, when I was texting him and talking about books, I picked up on a few small things, which I’ll now explain:
Boss: ‘I’m jealous! I want a massive collection of books but i never know which ones to buy =( Renting is a problem as well, always moving… I’m going to start it once i get my own house.’
That message alone managed automatically set of alarm bells. The fact the he said he was always moving when theoretically he only has one move left – the one to the house that he and his fiance are building at the moment which should be finished in a couple of years. He’s also been living in her family’s house for nearly 6 years now so that can’t have been the difficulty he was really referring to. The thing that tipped me off the most, however, was the fact that he said “once i get my own house”. Obviously. So i followed it with a message seemingly naive of it in order to try and question that and smooth my panicking which was going to flare up at any second:
Me: ‘Once you get ur own house? Isn’t the house u guys are building out in woop woop?’
Boss: ‘The block is at The Vines. It is a fair way away, lol. Can we not do this again please. At least not in messages. =)’
That was the final straw for me it was final. As if the beginning of the message where he said “the block” and not something more along the lines of “our block wasn’t enough, the ‘Can we not do this again’ part was just like placing a giant flashing screaming neon sign in front of my face. Brilliant. So I sent this back:
Me: ‘That smiley face looked awfully odd at the end of that message… u sound somewhat more resolved than normal tho. I suppose u can explain it to me tomoro [then I said I had to go and would talk to him then]’
To which I got a reply back very fast saying:
Boss: ‘More resolved? Yes, but how did you read that from that message? And what do you think I’ve resolved to do? If you don’t mind me asking… What was your reaction to my last message yesterday*? I should have kept it to myself. Sorry.’
* this is in reference to a message he sent me yesterday while he was at work and I’d just had a text conversation with him. It read simply: ‘I so badly want to hold you right now. 2 days *sigh* xxx’
After I read that text today I must say I was slightly vexed. Although I’m still not sure that I’m even vexed at him – of course I know I am with myself. So I started the next text with ‘I didn’t think u wanted to do this via text?’ Sure I got a little saucy… He would have barely noticed it though. Or at least, he would have glossed over it. After that I explained to him the things that I had picked up from his text messages and then ended it with, ‘Call it petty or reading into things that aren’t there, but I’m guessing ur not sticking with the engagement?’

He said we’d talk about that tomorrow and insisted on me telling him what my reaction to yesterday’s text had been (seeing as I had rather ignored it in my reply). So I answered it finally:
Me: ‘Haha well now that reaction becomes part and parcel with whatever is to be talked about tomoro. For while it made me smile yesterday, it could have a whole different effect tomoro…’
By this I was more referring to the fact that tomorrow if he confirms what I suspect and if he tells me that he came to this decision before that text, then I shall be angry with myself… actually scratch that. Regardless of when he came to the decision, I shall be angry with myself anyway – after all I have now helped to potentially ruin two peoples lives. At least, certainly life as they know it at the moment. So then he replied with an anxious, ‘A bad effect?’

Me: ‘Not in reaction to u no. To me more so. I hold nothing bad against u at all. Never have and probably never will.’
Boss: ‘We have a lot to talk about, but i thought i made it clear that none of this is you fault. You said you got that? Ok, you drunkenly kissed your mates boyfriend… I’ll never forgive myself if you blame yourself.’
Me: ‘We’ll talk tomorrow k? Stress less :)’
The first message there was more to calm him so that that way he didn’t have a sleepless night over thinking everything, as I knew he would (and probably still might do anyway). The second message was a lot more of a struggle to try and control my thoughts for, hence why it was so small. I wanted to be screaming at him, ‘correction: my friend/managers FIANCE, not boyfriend and like as if that was even OK in the first freaking place!!!” Plus it’s not like I haven’t warned him before that if they split up, then I would never forgive myself for that, no matter what he said or how many times he tried to explain it. 
What a lovely loop that will make: I can’t forgive myself for them splitting, and he can’t forgive himself for me blaming myself. Here’s the solution: don’t split up. Wow. Shocker.
As I’m writing this, I can just sense the hostility and sarcastic attitude that seems to be pouring out with my words. I think that’s just because I’m angry and yet I know it’s my own fault. I always end up like this. This is how I end up at the end of my numb stage that I use to stop something from hurting me emotionally after something has happened. Except usually this progression of walls being built in my head takes at least a day or two.
Mayhap this has happened so fast this time because I’ve done it so many times this year, or mayhap it’s because I’d subconsciously started days ago. All I know is that today for the first time in quite a while I woke up feeling rather detached from it all and emotionless. His texts (previous to when it turned serious) only created one of the tiniest beginnings of smiles once and no more, when usually i would be grinning the whole time. I think I woke up in a very stoic mood and frame of mind and that allowed me to deal with all this so easy and view it from a more peaceful state. If I hadn’t I probably would have been under the doonas crying myself to sleep hopelessly, or curled up on the floor sobbing and willing for things to be different – just like some emotionally overdone silly girl. I’m not like that usually and on the few occasions I am, I have the sense to snap myself out of it purely by thought and self loathing for being so weak.
Sometimes I almost scare myself at how good I’ve become at this. 
But enough of this talk. Let tomorrow bring what it may and this shall all be done. If he is breaking the engagement off there will only be two possibilities left: either he will stop working with her family and where I am, or I will resign officially this week. Both, however, will mean that all contact with him will cease at the end of tomorrow. There’s no two ways about that one.

May 23, 2009 Posted by | emotions, life, love, moods, people, secrets, trouble, work | 4 Comments